Sunday, December 15, 2013

Up and Down

Bipolar disorder.
It's a serious issue for many people and I know that.  Millions suffer everyday and I understand that.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm downplaying that at all.  With that said:

My life is quite up-and-down lately.  The highs have been quite high, though the lows have been lower.  I sometimes just want to share life with someone.  Really.  Just share life.  Sitting together.  Even if it's nothing, nothing just feels better with someone.  I feel desperate and so then I fall deeper.  I think, "Am I saying too much?  Am I revealing more of myself than I would otherwise in an effort to just connect with another?"  I don't know.  Sometimes I wish I could skip the beginning and get to where we know each other.  Those conversations are important and those conversations seem to be where I'm getting stuck.  Some people will tell me that they're surprised that I'm here.  Others remind me that I'm weird.  So I embrace it, but at the same time my heart begins to sweat lime juice on its scars.

I wonder, "Why did I leave the good thing I had?"  Though it wasn't as good as I imagine in my head.  Everything seems better when I try to remember it and anything that doesn't somehow seems worse.  I can't always remember things as they were.  There's either green grass or dead leaves, rarely are there aged roots of evergreens.

And the other times.  Conversations occurred.  There was little effort on my part.  I didn't have to think about it so much.  I just spoke and others were there.  I slept and there was little guilt on my part.  People took the initiative and I didn't feel so bad.  A few nerves were present, but they were only a bit more than anyone else may experience.  Social interaction comes in a healthy amount, though I sometimes wish it were more spread out.  People remember name!..and there is greater specificity!

Life is a roller coaster and that's not abnormal.  Life is a broken heart beating and we all live it.  No one is black.  No one is white.  We are all gray and it's okay to admit it.  Speaking in absolutes doesn't make them true.  It doesn't even make a gray sky blue.  So I'm learning to live inside the Truth.  It's a difficult journey and often feels very alone.  The challenge is not to remember I'm not, it's the feeling beyond knowledge that may help me through.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Again Again

Again the words have come and gone.
Again I hope some still exist.

Again I've fallen asleep in Your arms.
Who do I think I am?
Am I looking for someone to blame?

I'm ready to go.  Take me to Guanajuato.  Take me far away from here.  Take me where they talk back.  Where there are others around me.  Where people remember me.  They know me.  I don't want to be popular; I just want to be known.  I want to share this life.  Life by myself seems so faded.  My talents seem like they are being wasted.  I will be held accountable.

I write to get these feelings out.
I write because inside sometimes I shout.
My words don't always do me justice.
I may be worse off than those who need me
but we're all in dire straights in this symphony.

Don't play me.
I'll tell you everything
and you don't want to hear me.
You'll listen, but with one ear.
The other is running

"How did I get here?"
So I'll leave you alone
to leave me alone.
Leave me here
just a step above unknown.

Monday, November 18, 2013

If Missing Please Reply

I found a broken heart in my pants pocket.
Hidden, it was, inside an old abandoned locket.
I pried it open, intrigued to see what was inside.
What secrets could an old locket hide?

When I saw the heart it was barely beating.
I picked it up gently,
it was badly bleeding.

It was cold to the touch
like a chilled spoon for scooping.
It beat barely, as such,
and before I knew it
I was stooping.

The absence in my chest was confusing.
Who took this from me?
And why was it in a locket for musing?

Or had it ever been inside me?
Was it an extra?
Was it a mistake?
Was it even mine?

I was raised by the television,
no wonder I can't initiate a conversation.
There is something missing
and the reason I can't find it
is because I never knew
what it was like to have it there.

So where do I plug this in?
Is there a socket
somewhere within?
Will it still work right
in this body of sin?

Can it be made fresh
in this body of flesh?

Monday, November 11, 2013

Somehow Still Living

Life is a lesson.  A lesson made up of several lessons within.
Life poses questions.  Like who were we before we began?

Sometimes it's a state of frustration though we know there is much to be joyful about.  Sometimes I'm stuck in place so I guess it's true that "forward motion is harder than it sounds."  Sometimes I feel so desperate to get moving and do something meaningful but it the first step is almost always the hardest.

Dear Anxiety,
     You don't control me.  You're not my lord, not my master.  You cannot and you do not rule my life. You're not the one I'm living for.  I just thought you should know.

Living with a heartbeat can be challenging.  We have to move but aren't told where to go.  I just want someone to tell me where to go.  Tell me what to do.  Is this codependence?  Am I wasting my life?  Can anyone out there even hear me?  Do I sound like more than just a frustrated complainer to anyone?  Is there anything to this other than whining?  How can I change what is unchangeable unless You change me?

When I remember that this is the time of my life where life happens I sometimes feel the nails pounded into my skull.  What am I living for?  Who would want to share this life?  On my best days lately I'm just talking with others.  Spending time with others.  Life doesn't feel like anything special though I'm sure it is..somehow.  It's difficult to believe that I'm in Texas.  Or maybe that I have to be here for another three years.  It makes me feel tied down though I know that as soon as I'm about to leave I'll long for these days.  Why does that always happen?  Why can't I train my brain to think that way now? Why can't I enjoy today today, not tomorrow?

If you're playing operation will you remove these thorns from my heart and my head?  But please make sure that they're still attached to each other.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dear Son

Dear Son,

I grew up in a world where the people who wanted to go against the norm were the honest ones.  It was a place where politicians said what the people wanted to hear and (if we were lucky) apologized for not meeting expectations later.  There were also many musicians who got sucked into this as well.  Some though, were different.  Some true artists spoke what was on their mind and how they really felt no matter what people would say about them.

It was a world full of darkness and brokenness.  The fact that the nonconformists were the speakers of the truth was a sad one.  Lawyers found clever ways to choose their (clients') words so as to not indemnify themselves.  Public figures spoke in clever tongues that the populous could relate to.  Words were chosen so carefully that to hear someone speak honestly was often viewed as offensive.

Living in a world that values eloquence over authenticity is not an easy task.  I constantly find myself worrying about what people will think of me.  What will they say of me if they hear me speak my mind?  What is running through their mind as they read my written words?  It's really a constant task to try and find the balance of what to share, not to share, and with whom to (not) share with.  There's an old adage that says, "sharing is caring," but too often this world that I've grown up in has tried to teach me that this does not apply to emotions or true feelings.

One of my good friend's mothers growing up taught me something that she said she learned while she was studying to be a psychologist.  She said an important goal of a psychologist is to "make the covert overt."  That means openly displaying how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way.  When we're children it seems like that is all we know how to do.  Somewhere along the journey toward adulthood many of us lose that ability, or rather it becomes tremendously tamed.

I sincerely hope that you do not lose this ability.  Don't buy into the belief that to be a man you must hide your true feelings.  It's okay to not understand everything, but if you don't ask questions or let others know that you're confused you will not learn.  Change can be hard but staying the same stunts your growth.  I hope you will come to me with questions that you have.  When you don't know where to go, have the humility to admit it.  Don't let pride ruin you.  No one is above hurt.  We all experience it, much deeper than we may care to admit.

Be honest.  Be true.  Be real.  Be authentic.  Love without abandon, but love sincerely.

    Your dad before you knew me

Monday, October 21, 2013

A Daydream at the (Self-)Reflection Pool


I can sense it's getting harder.  And I can sense it's getting easier too.

What happened to everyone being so sincere?  Where are our motives?  Why do we do what we do?  Does anyone understand anymore?  Life isn't football.  Life isn't making others laugh.  Life isn't making money.  Life is loving because He first loved.  How can so many not see that?

I get passed by.  Daily.  And as I do
I watch the others as they get passed by.
And I watch passers.  So immersed
in their lives.  Is that me
at times?  Do I walk by
as others live?

As my eyes wander to
those around I wonder:
would You be here?
Are You here?
Would You be
cleaning up
after us or
would you even be here?

If I can
disappear in a crowd of
how much easier
it must be
in the world,

But at least
there is
out there.

Could that be
my mission?
My call?
Is that
what You want
from me?

Not to be
an island floating,
a dream waiting
to be awoken,
but a loving
alarm clock?

do I start?
do I go first?
What words
do You have
for me?

I can
't worry.
You'll be here.

You want me to (too)
I'll be Your Moses.
With Aaron's mouth
and Your words,
I'll be Your Moses.

Lead me
and guide me.
Hold my hand
don't leave me.

I'm on my way,
please show me (Your Way).

Move me
out of my way
and show me.

I'm on my way,
please show me (Your Way).

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Not Abandoned

"And you shall be called 'Not Abandoned.'"

Lately there've been couple of phrases that have run through my mind and while some of them seem to come from a dark enemy with bitter intent, I try to remember the good ones instead.  One that I have been hearing often is, "He says He still loves you."  That one has been so important for me to remember because I often feel like I've used up all of my chances and there will be no love, let alone grace or mercy for me.  The truth is though, that that is not possible.

The God I serve is more than a god of second chances.  The God I follow, the God I love, He is the God of sideways eights.  He will love me the same no matter my life circumstances.  There is life in this life.

So today another phrase entered my mind from what may seem like an outside source:

"And you shall be called, 'Not Abandoned.'

"Though you run far from your home and often find yourself lost in between vital moments, I will never abandon you.  I will show you that even now is a time to be found.  Even now is a time that I am working.  Do not fear for I am here.  Hear me, for I am."

So this stage in my life is not an in-between one though it so often feels as such.  I will keep moving and will be me today, not long for the me of tomorrow, nor overly reminisce on the me of yesterday.  Though I will move when it is time I will also be sure to make time to stop, listen, and be still because life isn't always movement.

This life isn't mine.  Empty me of me and fill me up with You.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Armed Greek Soldiers and the Shell of a Horse

I'd try to keep it simple but this life isn't that.  It's a whirlwind of emotion and the words only come when I'm too tired to write them.  Though it also seems I'm often too tired to sleep and too lazy leap from dreams to reality.  Who will save me?

And my life is a movie.  Texas?  Living alone?  Graduate school?
Where did all of this come from?

I'm watching myself from the outside and it's quite pitiful at times.  Where is the joy in living here?  Is this it?  Is there something more?

And what about these numbers that fill my mind?  What are they doing here?  Where are they coming from?  What do they mean?  I'm often without words but my mind fills with numbers.  Or rather, the same numbers come up time and again.  What is the point?  Where is all of this leading?  How will I be able to serve those around me if I can sense the fracturing in myself?

It was a good week this week though.  I really had a good time until I got stuck walking back and forth in dreams this weekend.  I've felt useless.  I've felt like a polka-dotted zebra.  I know what depression feels like.  And yet, is this even depression?  Is depression just a symptom and not the real issue?  The same with social anxiety.  Could that be it?

Still, there's another image that's been in my mind lately.  Another image of what this depression (or whatever it is) looks like.  What it feels like from within.  That's just it.  It's so difficult to describe the feelings of depression.  First of all, it feels so different to different people, but here's the thing I've noticed: so often we think that depression is a gun pointed at the head when it's really not.  Instead, depression is the mind molding itself into that gun's form and pointing it right back.  It's not a weapon from the outside, but rather one from the inside.  It's a traitor in the mind.  A Trojan horse that we want out but it's fleeing all exits.  It has isolated itself on the dark and deserted island and claims it cannot swim.  It won't accept our help, though it expects us to know how to get it back to safety.

If you want to save us from this Trojan horse you'll have to help us find the source.  You can't expect the war to end if all you do is destroy the soldiers' shell.  Good, you've identified the way the enemy entered.  You've eliminated his means of transport, but now you have a century of men running in all directions.  How will you fight them?  How will you treat the mind that is fracturing itself further?  The medicine won't work.

It's so tempting to say that it's coming from the outside but at the same time it doesn't seem possible.  There is nothing that stays the same except the one who feels it.  And it is more than a feeling.  It comes and goes, but even then, there are still stains on the ceiling.  Who will save us?

If the tragedy of Troy was as visible as Pompeii, would there be more attention to this issue?

If you're going to destroy the horse, you can't just let the soldiers roam free!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Wake me up before I fall asleep

At the rate I'm going, this much more than a "Quarter-life crisis."  I barely move, and when I do it's rolling over.  Still, I'm not quite as obedient as a dog.  I say that mistakes are the best way to learn but lately I've been learning more than I want to in that sense.  The smallest molehills are hardest to climb.

Could it be that because I've had so much given to me that I don't know how to start on my own?  Or am I just afraid of growing up too fast so I either stay in one spot or look to the past and for something that's still here?  And when I'm not too busy dwelling in the past or future, I can barely live here.  If I'm not doing something, my head swells and I need a distraction.

Sometimes I claim that I have nothing to do, though I'm just looking for a distraction from a second distraction.  I like reading but sometimes it just feels like a waste of time.  I want to get to know people. I want to be where people are.  I want to invest in someone's life.  Reading helps me do that...

The walls don't talk to me anymore.  The mosquitoes each my flesh and my brain cells don't mesh well.  What happened?  I know that I have a lot of potential but it's hard to keep going when everyone either says no or is speechless.

Does anyone have longer lasting tape?  My mouth is fine, I don't need it for that.  (Well, maybe you'll think differently.)  I've got working ears but there seems to be little use for them lately.  Keeping me balanced isn't even that important.  The pain in my neck keep me locked in one of a few adjustable poses.  Though I've moved down with the rain, I've gotten a few bloody noses.

That's not important though.  What can anyone do?  Written word.  My soul exposes.
I go from poetry to all sorts of proses.  Or the other way around.
Not seeing the problem that it poses.

Wake me up before I fall asleep again.  Will my life begin again?

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Life is pretty Austin right now

So many updates so little time.  I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive.  I've want to update you on a few things but I feel that I should try and get some sleep.  Suffice it to say that I've made my way to Houston, San Fran/Yosemite, Austin, and now I am living in Houston, although I'm currently in Austin.  Life's been a little harder at times but also a lot more fun at other times so I'll try and give you more of an update next time.  Until then.  Good night!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Forward Slinky Heart

There are so many books to read.
So many lives to lead.
Words to write.
Wrongs to right.

I can't stop looking down at my feet.
Drowning in my own pain.
Though it's all perspective.
What is my current objective?

There's pain in my brain.
I want more thunderstorms
perhaps to mirror my mind storms.

When the lightning crashes my
heart doesn't budge,
the pages don't smudge.

Who will save this slinky spiraling sideways?
I'm tangled up in loose threads.
What happens when I move on?

I barely even move while I'm

After some good days
I get lost
in a streak of haze.

Pay no attention
to me.
just lost
in a daze.

But when I can move
I will.
I will move forward.

When I can feel my heart
You'll know I've moved on.

Sunday, June 30, 2013



You say wherever so it must be so, but how does it work?  I'm hanging on.  Where do I go?  It would seem to be nowhere but I do not wish to be complacent.  The tears in my eyes don't even reach my cheeks.  I'm running from something but don't know where I'm going.  Nor do I know where I'm coming from.  What happens next?  I'm in a rut.  Some say stuck.  I can't hold this anymore.

I'm also not completely sure where this is coming from.  Something just feels like an empty canvas.  Like I can't find the words but feel like they have been around lately.  Where do I go?  What's next?

Monday, June 3, 2013

I'm Not the Broken One

I was wrong.  All this time.
I thought it was me who was broken but it isn't so.  You broke Yourself so that I wouldn't have to live broken.  I have been living as though I am the broken one, but that is not the case.  You allowed for yourself to be broken.  To be torn.  To be misshapen.  So that I may be made whole.  Thank You.  I must learn to live in that.  To run toward those who think they are beyond repair.  I must learn to run to them and show them that they need not worry any longer.  They were fixed before they even took their first breath.  Sometimes I try to mix my own yeast into this dough of life but it's not worth it.  All that I need is in You. Thank You.
I deserve none of this but You broke Yourself and became nothing so that I could be something.
Thank You.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Nostalgia for a Time Not Lived

Do you remember when we used to dance to the radio?
When we would turn it on and would dance like every song was ours?
We danced through the night and never had to leave the house.  The kids all tucked in and our shirts were loose.  We had not care in the world.  The lack of sleep somehow kept us on our feet.  We danced and I held you close.  The world watched as we lost ourselves for a moment, but we couldn't be bothered.  Our bodies swayed and we moved together.  Our hearts held hands and wore their best dancing shoes.  The eyes that saw us were invisible and we were stuck in the moment.  Stuck in the most beautiful way imaginable.  Do you remember the romance of the times gone by?
Do you remember?
Oh to be a fly...
Can we return?  Can we go back?  I'll pull the elevator gate and we'll crawl back if we have to.  No one will even know we're gone.  We'll slip passed the security and enter again to the middle of the century.
And war changes it all.  I can never go back to where we were.
Do you remember?
     Me neither.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

My Glue Won't Hold This Life Together

"I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life.
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed."

Maybe that helped a little bit.  But something's up.  My heart is made of clay and and tearing it apart myself.  Maybe there's some help.  My feelings change with the weather and depending on the moon.  My feelings flutter like feathers and something's changing soon.

If you see me walking downward don't get too concerned.  I've got a heart sunk feeling, but I haven't yet been burned.

Speaking of the heat, what's keeping me from the flame?
Will I be saved, will I fall victim to fame?
My own life scares me
and I can't trust myself.

Who then will love me
if I cannot love myself?

I want more than a knowledge of love.
And no not a love of knowledge.
I want to feel this love that You have.
I want to share it with You.

Take me away from myself
so that I can be more of You to
those around me.

Breaking means I'm broken
but You made me something else.
To You I'm the lost token,
You'll save me from myself.

You don't need me
You want me.

Thank You

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Where to turn


Maybe I'm not quite there but I'm feeling it.  Something's happening.  The wind blows storms in.  Though I cannot see it, I know it is there.  I'm not sure how to say what I've been feeling because I'm not exactly sure what it has been.

I know that the wise man thinks before he speaks, but what of the man who thinks of what he thinks?  Not the kind of thinking that is overthinking.  I'm talking about thinking about why I have come to particular solutions.  Why I have I become the way I am?  Is this the way that I should be living?  What am I doing now that I shouldn't be?

I'm stuck because I'm living here in Rome.  Rome, the new Babylon.  Where do I turn?  All of this technology makes life so much easier.  This imperialism allows me to live frugally, but what of those who slave away so that I can do so?  I don't want to take advantage of the voiceless.  I want to speak for them.  My heart is torn.  My flesh is worn.  I want to write something that will be remembered but don't want to tear the flesh of trees or break others' backs as they bend their knees.

I want to sell it all but yet I've got where do I go?  I'm torn, worn, and sometimes it's as if I wish I was never born.  I can't say these out loud because you'll worry.  Even saying them here is a risk.  How will I manage when I'm not provided for?  But I'm always provided for.  All these things, these thorns, these thickets, they scrape at my soul and I don't know where to turn.

Just hold me for now.  Til I realize that I am satisfied in You.  I am satisfied in You.
My place is the place You've placed me.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Key that is Connection

I had been trying to find the words what I was looking for and now I think I've found it.  For the last few months something has felt a little different but I just couldn't figure it out.  I feel like I've learned a lot.  Some I learned through reading a couple books, some through interactions with people, some through personal reflections, and some through just trying to be still before the Lord.

One of the big realizations that I have come to is that I many times all that I want is connection.  I want to connect with other people, and I want others to feel a connection with me.  For that reason, I'll do something with the intention of making them laugh, or making them think, or just trying to bond with others.

And it's an interesting thing this life.  I'm still learning about a lot about myself, relationships, and the most important relationship in (and out) of this life: the one with God.

I think my words have just evaporated, so this post is a little shorter than normal.  I hope it'll do for now.  We'll see what is in store for next time.  Just know that there are a lot of colors on the horizon and it's only getting brighter even in this dark world.

Oh, and Happy Easter!

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Writing Incomplete Sentences

I hope I'm not rushing.  I want to live this life.  Not in the death.  I want something here but do I know what it is.  What am I asking for?  Or how do I ask?  It's a difficult question.

And am I just saying things for a reaction?  Or just doing things for a reaction?  That's not a trait I want, not one that I want to be known for.

These are just simple words this time.  Barely even complete sentences but I'm trying.  Can I tell you what I want to tell  you?  Will you hear me or will you listen?  I'm wondering where this will go.  Or rather, where we will go?  Hoping I don't say too much too soon.  I don't want to scare you away but I know I've got to say something.  I've got to let you know that I've begun to feel something.  I'm okay if we tell, just tell me that you are too.  I don't mind staying here if it's staying with you.

But "I have other things to fill my time.  You take what is yours and I'll take mine.  Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind....But I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck."  Do I have other things to fill my time?  Is it even worth trying to fill?  What am I going to do over Spring Break if not?

Maybe it's time to "see the world hanging upside down."

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

"Oh no I've said too much"

I'm learning how to be still.  Or well..I'm trying.  What does it mean to be still before the Lord?  What does it mean to sit and intentionally not do anything for a time?  I'm trying to figure that out, or I'm trying to figure out what I'm trying to figure out.  Perhaps I'm just trying to figure out where You're taking me, or where I'm going, what's next.

A part of me sort of hopes I don't get into either of the graduate schools that I've applied to.  Then I can be free to make the next step.  I can go south.  I can figure out sooner where I can go.  Or I can stay.  I can tell you how I feel.  A part of me wants doors to close so that I know which ones to walk through.  A part of me wants to tell you so much and another part of me says I've already told you too much.

And there's another thing I thought about just today: why do I separate the Christian life from the rest of my life?  Why can't I love the same always and everywhere?  I don't want to put blame on anyone or anything else, but could it be at least partially a result of us having "Christian" music, "Christian" art, and other "Christian" things?  With that it is as if I should only be a Christian in certain settings, but that is not what I am meant to do.  I am meant to love all of God's children, everywhere.  There is no limit to His love, why should I have a limit to mine?

Granted, it is sometimes difficult working for a federal program or a public school district, and similar settings, but I can still love.  I try to but sometimes I may put a limit on the way that I love because I don't want to offend, or I don't want people to associate me with those who shove words of "love" down others' throats.  I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

And I've invested so much of my life to pursuing relationships though it feels like I have so little to show for it.  Relationships can't be all that I focus on because I will never find the perfect one, especially if that is all that I am looking for.  If it's all I'm looking for, when I find it I may miss it or I may mess up the opportunity.

I'm also sometimes a little afraid to speak my mind when it comes to relationships.  I decide to wait until I'm in something officially to share how I feel, but if I wait that long how will anyone know how I truly feel.  So then I end up waiting until we have an official name to our relationship (which is rarely the case) or until I know she is not interested.  I wait until it is too late.

Why do I wait to tell someone how I feel?  Is it really because I don't want them to run away?  Perhaps if it's the right person being myself and saying how I feel will work.  After all, I do want to be honest in my relationships.  I do want to build relationships on authenticity.  If I wait too long to say how I feel it could be too late.  She may think I am just trying to pull her back in.  That I'm just trying to say what she wants to hear in an effort to get her back.  That's typically not the case.  No, instead I'm just realizing that I never had the chance to say how I really felt.  Or actually, I had the chance but I was perhaps just too afraid of what she would think.  Afraid that she might think I am overdoing it or that I am saying too much too soon.

Maybe now I've said too much but it does feel good to get it out.  It's not going to save me.  It's not going to give me life but it does feel good in a positive way.  Something's right about this.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A gentle arm's touch

Hello everyone.

I'm back again but what was I going to say...  There's been a lot on my mind lately but at the same time there hasn't been a lot going on.  I think I've been wanting something and know that I have to wait.  I've also been around myself too long.  It's been a little upsetting to have so much time alone.  I'm striving to be content where I'm at and trying to learn to be present in the present.  It's such a difficult thing.  As soon as I stop my mind almost senses that something is wrong, but that's not the case.

Or if I'm too still my veins begin pulsing.  That's only sometimes, like if I feel like I should be doing something but don't know quite what.  There is love available and I need to learn to sit in it.  Sitting is good.  It can be good.  I just do too much of it.  I sit while the world keeps spinning and then I remember that it's not spinning on my axis.  I'm not the center of it all.

And I know that.  Some people think that we want to help others because we want to make ourselves feel better.  Is that true?  Could it be that that is only for some people?  I just want to help people because I feel a deep desire to do so.  I want to help because I know that I have been helped and I know how it feels to feel alone.  I know how it feels to be too ashamed to ask for help.  Too scared to ask for help.  I want people to know that it is okay to ask for help.  I want to be that person who uses what he has to help those around him.

And I don't want to do it to lift myself up.  How many times must I say that?  I legitimately want to help people.  The problem is comes when I am trying to find someone to help.  How can I be of assistance?  How do I put my skills to use?

And arms.  That's what I want (to be).  I want arms to hold and I want to use my arms for that as well.  I am a lonely man but there is hope, right?  I know there is.  I know there is.

My life is a popsicle melting in the sun.  Does anyone seize the day with a mind on the future anymore?  Is it possible to live a sustainably present life?  Take my heart out and use it for someone else if they have a better use for it.  I'm holding my heart out and wondering if anyone will stay long enough to share.  Or if I can hold their interest long enough.  It seems more like it's me who does the leaving lately.

Does this life ever feel like it's too long to be not long enough?

Monday, February 4, 2013

Moments of Meaning

Grandma says God has a reason for me to be here, otherwise He would've taken me back long ago.

It's nights like tonight when I feel like that purpose is being realized.  Nights with heartfelt conversation, where the word heartfelt feels like more than a metaphor or more than an adjective.  These conversations feel like two hearts embracing at just the right moment.

These talks calm me down.  They feel like I'm being held right where I am.  I don't need to go anywhere.  Somehow I already feel myself missing it but I won't let it pass me by.

Nights like this You teach me about myself.  You're always that listening ear and I really feel it at such times.  Words flow from my lips like juice:

Am I just being so personal because I hope that eventually someone will get me?  That someone will catch me where I am and understand me?  Am I just waiting for that person know who I really am and love me there?

I want to be loved and I want to love.  This desire for intimacy is human.  I live in reality and I must remember that.  I live in today, not tomorrow, and certainly not tomorrow.  Something's beating inside my chest and it's not for the past or future.  The beating keeps me going today.

There is something calming, something soothing, about being here now.  I don't want this to end.  Still, let's keep moving, one step and then another.  Don't look at my footprints, nor the path ahead of me, I must just move with time.

And one last thing I just remembered, a quote from someone not myself though I'm not exactly who, "You view God the same way that you view yourself."  It's goes something like that and I believe it was from a professor at Denver Seminary.  To consider.

Speaking into clouds

Dear Reader,

I'm not sure who I'm speaking to so it shall be to you this time.  My life has been quite ordinary lately.  I haven't had much to going on but perhaps I can think of something.

Like last night when I was thinking about a time I don't really remember but I recall being told of it.  A time when I said something to the effect of "It seems like everything seems to happen to me."  This was when I was much younger, probably sometime in early to mid-elementary school years.  Apparently my saying gave my mother the impression that I thought I there was something wrong with me.  So rather than think that, she said, "You're just really special," or something like that.

But it does seem like so much happens to me and yet not enough.  And could this time be the reason that I sometimes feel like I have to be different to fit in?  Or that maybe if something happened to me people would care?

I don't want to think of that but is there truth in it?

There's clearly something broken inside me but I don't want to blame my behavior on something or someone else.

I'm probably just speaking words into clouds and no one will see them for days or perhaps months.

Oh, and another thing.  I read this this morning.  So no matter my desire, no matter my effort, none of this matters.  Nothing but the mercy and compassion of God.  So I must love mercy.

But I think that's all for now.  If I'm speaking into the clouds tonight their ears are already tired or they have better things to do.  And the wind blows steadily.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Wake me in Chiapas

Help.  I still want to help you.  The world.  I want to be light in a dark place.  I think I may have read this in the book that I'm reading right now, but it's a good one:

Don't blame the dark for being dark, blame the light for not shining there.

So I want to help.  I want to be the help.  Not so that people will look at me and see the great things I've done.  Not so that I will be lifted high.  I want to be the help because that is what this world needs.  If we will not speak for the voiceless, the rocks will cry out.  Their cry will be heard over our sighs of our "problems."

"I can't afford to spend so much money on gas."  "I don't have enough time to drop you off."  "I can't believe I stained my favorite shirt."  "She doesn't even know I exist."

Are these really problems?  I want to help where there are true problems.  Where people don't know where to turn.  Not where people are complaining about a life that could be better, but could be so much worse.

I want to climb on the trains with these kids.  I want to show them they're loved.  Something brought me back tonight to when I was reading the book Enrique's Journey by Sonia Nazario.  Are those kids to far away?  Are they too out of my reach?  Are they beyond my comfort zone?  Something has to be done.  Someone must tell them that they are loved.  No, someone must live love for them.  If all we do is tell people that they are loved, how will they know?  They must see it in us.  I want the glue sniffers, the traintop-dwellers, the shiverers, the orphaned, and the left-behind to know that they are loved.  That they are loved infinitely more than they may ever know.  I want them to be able to feel it.

Am I thinking too quickly?  Are my thoughts preceding rationality?  Or is that rationalism trying to convince me that I shouldn't do this?  That this doesn't matter?  The thing is, I know it matters.  The Lord hears the cries of these boys and girls, even men and women, who are so desperate for something more.  They'll leave what they have in search of something better.

I want to be an instrument.

Before arriving at church I was thinking more about waking up in a dream and how that would be but no, this is it.  Though I would like to entertain that thought, if only for a bit.  Have you ever thought what it would be like?  Waking up in a dream?  Why do we always wake up back in reality?  Why can't we wake up in the subconscious world?  That would be an interesting day.  People flying.  I would be jumping the height of skyscrapers.  Talking animals.  The possibilities are really quite endless.  I just think it's an interesting idea.  I think that's something I want to think into a little more some other time.  Maybe a book or short story on such an idea.

For now, just send me to Chiapas and show me how to be the most effective.  Perhaps another degree will help me meet these goals.  Let's see where this goes but I'm looking for something.  I don't want to stop if I'm not supposed to.  If this is what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, I may need a push.  Help.  Help me help.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Dying Daily

1. more thing before I go
2. sleep.

This life sure is something.

I'm learning so much recently.  Sometimes what at the moment can cause me to feel so down and lost, can lead me into a point of such hope.  I guess the same sort of thing can be applied to the moments when I almost feel like something else is controlling me.  Those moments when I feel like I am controlled by desire, a desire for a good feeling.  Those moments are strange because I know they are fleeting, yet it's so difficult to abandon that desire.

I am learning that death can be a good thing.  This is not a desire for attention, not speaking around suicidal thoughts.  No, it's not that at all.  I am finding that these moments where I see something I had hoped for dying, I recognize that it was not something to hope for at all.  It too is fleeting.  Even looking for a relationship with meaning is not why we're here.

Do I want a relationship?  Honestly?  Yes.  But should I be actively seeking that out?  No, not right now at least.  If I am seeking it out in the way that I have been in the past then I will not find it.  It will not have the meaning that I want it to.  I must be patient and find who I am in Christ right now.  A relationship with a significant other is not where meaning in life is found.  The opposite may be what a lot of our society is trying to tell us but it's just not true.

I am made to love and to serve and that is what I will do.  Death is a part of this life and I would even venture to say that it is a part of this life that I need to invest more time in.  I need to die daily.  Let's work on that.  It may sound cliché to say it, but dying daily is such an important aspect to really living.  So let's make something of this life.

That seems to be all for now.  Just had to share that.  Something's coming and perhaps this is it.  Or maybe this is just a part of it.  But I feel it.  This life is exciting.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Swimming Again

It's time again to go swimming.  No, not in the waters of winter.  It's much too cold for that.  I'm going swimming in a life that is giving up to gain more.  I am going swimming in Your waters because that is the only place where life is.  I've been living too much on dry land lately.  It's too safe here.  I am guaranteed not to drown, but I don't like it.  I want to live where it's risky.  Where I have to trust You.

And what I'm giving up is something I've tried before.  I'm giving up the pursuit of relationships.  I cannot keep living as though there is one relationship that will solve everything.  One relationship that will make it all better.  I have all I need here.  Here in the waters of Your love.  That's what I need to remember.  Only a few hours ago I was thinking about how I had made it through over 24 years and only ended up with some shirts I like.  What kind of a way to live is that?

I had also thought, perhaps this quarter-life crisis is much closer to the end than I would like to admit.  That may be true, but I can't let that cripple me.  If death is closer than a quarter of my life away, isn't that more reason to be living it?  Still, everyday I must die.  I must die to the things that I'm putting on to avoid truth.  Why can't people see the real me?  Why do I sometimes feel I have to hide who I am?  Why can't we be who we are at the moments that we are?

So I'm choosing again to go swimming.  Swimming with You.  I'm diving into what is mostly unknown.  I don't need to know where I'm going before I get there.  I trust that You do and that's enough.  I don't need relationship.  Why do I keep pursuing it?  Am I lonely?  Sure!  That's alright.  Perhaps loneliness is a part of life.  Or even better, perhaps loneliness is the death I need to see beyond myself and into real and true life.

I plan to not plan.  Within reason and without.
I will be okay with what's going on because it's all a part of a greater story.
I will not look at everyone I meet as a potential girlfriend.
I will start again.
And again.
And again.
And I will not let my past influence my future.

Though I will learn from my mistakes, my mistakes will not have power over me.  Even if they may not have been mistakes, they will not control me.  They are dead and I am alive now.  I am living where the water flows freely and no power can stop me.  I will break free, for these chains are melting beneath me.

I will swim again.