Monday, January 28, 2013

Wake me in Chiapas

Help.  I still want to help you.  The world.  I want to be light in a dark place.  I think I may have read this in the book that I'm reading right now, but it's a good one:

Don't blame the dark for being dark, blame the light for not shining there.

So I want to help.  I want to be the help.  Not so that people will look at me and see the great things I've done.  Not so that I will be lifted high.  I want to be the help because that is what this world needs.  If we will not speak for the voiceless, the rocks will cry out.  Their cry will be heard over our sighs of our "problems."

"I can't afford to spend so much money on gas."  "I don't have enough time to drop you off."  "I can't believe I stained my favorite shirt."  "She doesn't even know I exist."

Are these really problems?  I want to help where there are true problems.  Where people don't know where to turn.  Not where people are complaining about a life that could be better, but could be so much worse.

I want to climb on the trains with these kids.  I want to show them they're loved.  Something brought me back tonight to when I was reading the book Enrique's Journey by Sonia Nazario.  Are those kids to far away?  Are they too out of my reach?  Are they beyond my comfort zone?  Something has to be done.  Someone must tell them that they are loved.  No, someone must live love for them.  If all we do is tell people that they are loved, how will they know?  They must see it in us.  I want the glue sniffers, the traintop-dwellers, the shiverers, the orphaned, and the left-behind to know that they are loved.  That they are loved infinitely more than they may ever know.  I want them to be able to feel it.

Am I thinking too quickly?  Are my thoughts preceding rationality?  Or is that rationalism trying to convince me that I shouldn't do this?  That this doesn't matter?  The thing is, I know it matters.  The Lord hears the cries of these boys and girls, even men and women, who are so desperate for something more.  They'll leave what they have in search of something better.

I want to be an instrument.

Before arriving at church I was thinking more about waking up in a dream and how that would be but no, this is it.  Though I would like to entertain that thought, if only for a bit.  Have you ever thought what it would be like?  Waking up in a dream?  Why do we always wake up back in reality?  Why can't we wake up in the subconscious world?  That would be an interesting day.  People flying.  I would be jumping the height of skyscrapers.  Talking animals.  The possibilities are really quite endless.  I just think it's an interesting idea.  I think that's something I want to think into a little more some other time.  Maybe a book or short story on such an idea.

For now, just send me to Chiapas and show me how to be the most effective.  Perhaps another degree will help me meet these goals.  Let's see where this goes but I'm looking for something.  I don't want to stop if I'm not supposed to.  If this is what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, I may need a push.  Help.  Help me help.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Dying Daily

1. more thing before I go
2. sleep.

This life sure is something.

I'm learning so much recently.  Sometimes what at the moment can cause me to feel so down and lost, can lead me into a point of such hope.  I guess the same sort of thing can be applied to the moments when I almost feel like something else is controlling me.  Those moments when I feel like I am controlled by desire, a desire for a good feeling.  Those moments are strange because I know they are fleeting, yet it's so difficult to abandon that desire.

I am learning that death can be a good thing.  This is not a desire for attention, not speaking around suicidal thoughts.  No, it's not that at all.  I am finding that these moments where I see something I had hoped for dying, I recognize that it was not something to hope for at all.  It too is fleeting.  Even looking for a relationship with meaning is not why we're here.

Do I want a relationship?  Honestly?  Yes.  But should I be actively seeking that out?  No, not right now at least.  If I am seeking it out in the way that I have been in the past then I will not find it.  It will not have the meaning that I want it to.  I must be patient and find who I am in Christ right now.  A relationship with a significant other is not where meaning in life is found.  The opposite may be what a lot of our society is trying to tell us but it's just not true.

I am made to love and to serve and that is what I will do.  Death is a part of this life and I would even venture to say that it is a part of this life that I need to invest more time in.  I need to die daily.  Let's work on that.  It may sound cliché to say it, but dying daily is such an important aspect to really living.  So let's make something of this life.

That seems to be all for now.  Just had to share that.  Something's coming and perhaps this is it.  Or maybe this is just a part of it.  But I feel it.  This life is exciting.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Swimming Again

It's time again to go swimming.  No, not in the waters of winter.  It's much too cold for that.  I'm going swimming in a life that is giving up to gain more.  I am going swimming in Your waters because that is the only place where life is.  I've been living too much on dry land lately.  It's too safe here.  I am guaranteed not to drown, but I don't like it.  I want to live where it's risky.  Where I have to trust You.

And what I'm giving up is something I've tried before.  I'm giving up the pursuit of relationships.  I cannot keep living as though there is one relationship that will solve everything.  One relationship that will make it all better.  I have all I need here.  Here in the waters of Your love.  That's what I need to remember.  Only a few hours ago I was thinking about how I had made it through over 24 years and only ended up with some shirts I like.  What kind of a way to live is that?

I had also thought, perhaps this quarter-life crisis is much closer to the end than I would like to admit.  That may be true, but I can't let that cripple me.  If death is closer than a quarter of my life away, isn't that more reason to be living it?  Still, everyday I must die.  I must die to the things that I'm putting on to avoid truth.  Why can't people see the real me?  Why do I sometimes feel I have to hide who I am?  Why can't we be who we are at the moments that we are?

So I'm choosing again to go swimming.  Swimming with You.  I'm diving into what is mostly unknown.  I don't need to know where I'm going before I get there.  I trust that You do and that's enough.  I don't need relationship.  Why do I keep pursuing it?  Am I lonely?  Sure!  That's alright.  Perhaps loneliness is a part of life.  Or even better, perhaps loneliness is the death I need to see beyond myself and into real and true life.

I plan to not plan.  Within reason and without.
I will be okay with what's going on because it's all a part of a greater story.
I will not look at everyone I meet as a potential girlfriend.
I will start again.
And again.
And again.
And I will not let my past influence my future.

Though I will learn from my mistakes, my mistakes will not have power over me.  Even if they may not have been mistakes, they will not control me.  They are dead and I am alive now.  I am living where the water flows freely and no power can stop me.  I will break free, for these chains are melting beneath me.

I will swim again.