Sunday, December 15, 2013

Up and Down

Bipolar disorder.
It's a serious issue for many people and I know that.  Millions suffer everyday and I understand that.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm downplaying that at all.  With that said:

My life is quite up-and-down lately.  The highs have been quite high, though the lows have been lower.  I sometimes just want to share life with someone.  Really.  Just share life.  Sitting together.  Even if it's nothing, nothing just feels better with someone.  I feel desperate and so then I fall deeper.  I think, "Am I saying too much?  Am I revealing more of myself than I would otherwise in an effort to just connect with another?"  I don't know.  Sometimes I wish I could skip the beginning and get to where we know each other.  Those conversations are important and those conversations seem to be where I'm getting stuck.  Some people will tell me that they're surprised that I'm here.  Others remind me that I'm weird.  So I embrace it, but at the same time my heart begins to sweat lime juice on its scars.

I wonder, "Why did I leave the good thing I had?"  Though it wasn't as good as I imagine in my head.  Everything seems better when I try to remember it and anything that doesn't somehow seems worse.  I can't always remember things as they were.  There's either green grass or dead leaves, rarely are there aged roots of evergreens.

And the other times.  Conversations occurred.  There was little effort on my part.  I didn't have to think about it so much.  I just spoke and others were there.  I slept and there was little guilt on my part.  People took the initiative and I didn't feel so bad.  A few nerves were present, but they were only a bit more than anyone else may experience.  Social interaction comes in a healthy amount, though I sometimes wish it were more spread out.  People remember name!..and there is greater specificity!

Life is a roller coaster and that's not abnormal.  Life is a broken heart beating and we all live it.  No one is black.  No one is white.  We are all gray and it's okay to admit it.  Speaking in absolutes doesn't make them true.  It doesn't even make a gray sky blue.  So I'm learning to live inside the Truth.  It's a difficult journey and often feels very alone.  The challenge is not to remember I'm not, it's the feeling beyond knowledge that may help me through.

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