Monday, October 29, 2012

I'm sick of just observing

I need a shove in the right direction.
Do I?

There are things that I really want to do.  I have dreams like the rest, but I also don't want to step on toes or put a muzzle on mouths.  I try reflect people's personalities.  I try to love people where they are.  It's hard to have to pay attention to everything I say.  I think that's why I think to much.  I want to show everyone they're loved so I try so hard to be conscious of what I say.  And I do that because I feel that too often I say things that hurt people.  So I try to be better about that.  How can I love if I'm just observing?  Am I just observing?

I am not outside of time.  I can't sit back while the world and time passes by.  I am an active part of this scene but perhaps I am too slow.  Perhaps I'm a computer with too much to process.  Everything is going on at once, or maybe not even that, and I take too long to consider my options.  Some things are about taking risks.  I need to take risks, real risks, not always calculated risks.

But I don't know where to start.  This desire for safety binds me.  Then I can't move because I've trapped myself inside.  And instead of not being able to talk, this time it's a lack of confidence.  I hear it in my head and exiting my mouth often but how do I change it but by "faking it until I make it."  Though I'm not completely comfortable with that.  I don't want to be dishonest.  One of the problems is I feel too much like I'm faking it when I try that, or that people sense my "faking it."  I'm too concerned with what other people think.  Where do I go with this?

My life is too calculated.  I'm a computer that's still processing.  How will I ever be able to help anyone?  I'm too concerned with the way people see me.  At the same time I want so badly to be known, so I open up to nearly everyone.  I'm trying to maintain this life in the professional world with just enough of my own personality.  Can I be myself?  What am I holding back?  Why am I so concerned with the rules and staying within their parameters and not embarrassing myself?  Though, at the same time I embarrass myself often.  I think it's the unexpected embarrassment of myself that I don't like.  I can't control it.  I am afraid of what people will think if I'm myself and not who I should be.

But who is the "who" that I "should be?"  Dividing myself in half to make everyone happy so that I will be content.  It doesn't bring contentment.  I am not two different people, though sometimes it seems like more!

Does learning more help or does it fill my analysis paralysis with more potential guilt?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Letting go to be free

I know both sides.  The letting go and the building back together.  But I don't like them both.  Letting go is easy.  It's easy to forget what's around me and just move around like tectonic plates over subterranean hot spots.  The trick comes when I have to be conscious of what's around me.  How do I go back?  What do I go back to?  And where am I going?
I get a feeling something big is happening.  I can feel it but I know not what it is.  My heart sometimes turns upside-down and I don't know what to think.  I want to fast-forward out of here to where the problems are solved.  To where we're not living on the brink.  To where the edges of disaster and majesty have been crossed and we're on the other side.  We have something defined and we're not so concerned with what others think but we're concerned with others.  It's like some days I would just rather be in hibernation until my mind has learned its way around this world.  And some days I just want my heart and my head to get back together, or at least be on speaking terms.
Some days are good, I'll say that.  They're even beyond that.  But what is it that I am sensing?  Does anyone else feel it?  Even if I turn my heart back on it's head, I sometimes feel that it I'll discover the skewer that is holding it in its place.  No one can understand words that come too heavily from one source so perhaps it's time for me to shut them up.  It makes sense even to me because the sewer they're escaping is nearly empty anyway.  It is easier to close the floodgate when there is not such a rush of words.
Oh, but here's another thing.  It's like Taylor is trying to convince my heart that I want something.  Or I'm convincing myself of that by listening to it.  I don't know what to think really.  I do know that somehow, despite all of the gruesomeness of it, it would be quite an experience to hold a beating heart in my hands, but when will that happen?  Perhaps only metaphorically.  Which reminds me of one more thing: metaphors and clich├ęs came from somewhere.  Sometimes they feel like more than just words.  Like a broken heart really feels cracked.  But that's it for now.  You can go read something else now.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Catching words like rain from a hole in the roof

Quick!  Before anymore words leave me in the form of little more than an invisible breeze!

I thought I loved you but it was infatuation.  Infatuation is for me is perhaps a feeling that I must realize more.  So often I think I "fall in love" with someone but that must be what it is.  Love is patient.  I can't fall that quickly.  Can I?  I don't think so...

I thought I fell and on paper it looks so good.  I thought about it more.  It seemed good.  It seemed legitimate, but now I don't feel it anymore.  I'm not bitter about that though.  I am actually glad that I don't feel it.  In the past few years or so I've tried to convince myself that I want to be friends with someone (many someones in fact) and just see where that goes.  That has meant that I am really hoping for a more intimate relationship.  Something I can't get so quickly from humans.  An intimate relationship will not be established in a day.  It will not be established in a week.  In some cases, it may not even be established in a year.  We must endure a lot of time.  We must see people in different situations.

Like a friend I have.  When I first met her I'll admit I had a crush on her but that time wasn't right.  I was infatuated with her, though I barely knew her.  Over time I let it grow, when I had hoped the time was right.  That has happened at least a couple other times since then but now I feel so much better about it.  I don't feel like I have about past people, where I think, "perhaps this time it could be different."  No, I realize that I love this person without holding back.  I love her as a friend and have realized that that is something I can do.  It's possible to love a friend.  And we can be honest about that.  In fact, it is the being honest and open that has really helped us out, I believe.

Before, when I let my heart think things that my mind knew weren't true, I got myself in a bind.  Now though, we are beginning to understand each other.  She knows that my heart runs sprints and while my mind is a distance runner.  She knows to be clear with me and I am comfortable being clear with her.  Previously we had said things about that but now it's clearer.  Or perhaps now we're actually doing it; we're being honest with each other.

And that's just something that I wanted to say.  Some of the other words may have already evaporated, but this was helpful.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Wear this love on your sleeve

Remember that nothing?  Yeah, That means nothing!  Don't let the things you pick up or the things attached to you cloud your mind or your heart.  It's so easy for us to think that we're beyond repair but that's not the case!  Let's dwell in love like the love that dwells in us.

Short and sweet for now.