Thursday, February 25, 2010

Clichés, Love Maps, and Similar Feelings

Welcome to my heart. Sorry it's not exactly as you expected it. I've stepped on it a few times and tried to glue it back together myself sometimes. I have come to realize that my own glue never works. But I know that instead of using glue, God makes me brand new everyday. And that works so much better.
For whatever reason, I've been full of emotion today. This isn't just one emotion, but several mixed into one. It's like my life is a blender and I'm spinning from the inside out. I feel it in my heart and it reaches near my hands as I type and my mind just needs somewhere to put it out there. So I chose here, as opposed to a journal or something else today. But I'm not really sure where it's going to go, so this post may be a strange one; well it already is, I know that.
Have you ever looked at the snow as a canvas? It seems a bit cliché to see it as a blanket. Everyone says there's a blanket of snow. That was once a great metaphor, but I've now heard it too many times. I mean it describes it well, but maybe we should come back to that a little later. Think of thin layer of powdery snow as an artist's blank canvas. God stretches this canvas out so that we can create as we wish. We are given a choice. So what do we choose? I just thought that seeing the snow as a canvas was a nice analogy that I had never heard before.
Today I made another Love Map to describe my current situation. The first one I made was just on the computer and about a half a year ago. It was one of my situations while studying abroad. But this time it seems a little conceited and I don't mean for it to be so I don't think I'm going to share it. Plus, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to reveal it right now. Right now I really just need patience and self-control. Waiting is so hard and it makes self-control even harder. It's nice to know that other people experience feelings just like mine:

"The One I'm Waiting For"~relient k
"The Mixed Tape"~Jack's Mannequin
"Ocean Avenue"~Yellowcard
"Some Origins of Fire"~Angels & Airwaves

So some parts of those of songs describe some feelings I'm feeling lately. So if you didn't really get how I'm feeling from this post you can check them out.
I've got some stuff that I have to do and should probably get to it. So, for now, remember, there's hope.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Shadows, Slideshows, Wires, and Feeling Better

Hey again! It's still me. Today was sort of a rough day..I talked with that girl to tell her that I care about her and she just told me that she still doesn't feel the way that I do. But she was really honest about it and very gentle. I thank God for that. I thank God that He knows who He has for me. I thank God that whoever that person is out there, she is so much greater than what I think (her name here) is. Wow! I really wish something could work between us two. But if that happened then I wouldn't get a chance to meet this person that God is preparing for me. He's preparing us for each other and this is just another step in the process. How great!
So I've been sort of on the verge of tears tonight and it's not exactly a great feeling. I wish I could just know when God is going to show me who she is. How long I have wanted to know her. This patience will really help me to appreciate her when the time comes. I am so excited to meet her. But my heart aches knowing that I don't even know her yet. Who is she? What is she going through now? I hope she's alright. My heart just aches. I hope that it's soon.
On my way back to my apartment from CRU tonight I listened to my iPod and really felt like the Lord was bringing me a little bit of comfort through that. Yes, God can speak through music. Here's some things that He told me on my way home:
"Sometimes solutions aren't so simple. Sometimes goodbye's the only way...Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple. Sometime's goodbye's the only way"
"If you never say your name out loud to anyone they can never ever call you by it. If I kiss you where it's sore will you feel better? Will you feel anything at all?"
"How you gonna feel it if you won't let go? You're scared to death of being alone. When you're scared like that you'll grow a heart of stone."
"In the movies, on the big screen, I'd make you mine"

So I'm moving on. It's much easier said than done. But I know there's a God who loves me beyond understanding. He has much bigger and better plans for me. I have hope. I have strength. I have perseverance. All is found in my Saviour, Jesus Christ!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Carpe Feeling

Hello world!

So...sometimes I feel a little something inside. Something that I see sort of as acceptance. But it's a little more than that. I'm pretty sure there's some psychological and chemical term for it. But it's like the adrenaline (or something) moving through my head as people notice me. Smiles are created and joy is seen in their beings. That feeling brings me joy. I feel that all people have something that does it for them. For me, this particular feeling is making people smile and/or laugh. Perhaps other people it's the firing of a gun, or restraining another individual. Weird! And God knows each and every one of these people more than they will ever dream. So that's just a little something that precipitated into my head during my social work class today.

Here's something else for you. I really think that I must "seize the day." It's time for me to tell the girl that I really, truly care for her. Waiting is doing nothing but keeping it on my mind and what if it's just building these feelings only for her to tear them apart? If I don't tell her now, my mind will continue to flood with thoughts of her. I need: Courage, Boldness, Strength, and Vulnerability

Here I am. I stand in the Power of Christ and when I rip I will not be torn. My legs stand strong, although they're worn.