Thursday, December 13, 2012

"We are once in a lifetime alive"

"This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you've been torn"

Yes I'm still awake, though barely.  I've wanted to write on here but haven't felt I had the time.  I felt today would be a good day to do so though, considering it is 12/12/12.

And, as usual when I wait too long to post, the inspiration is mostly gone.

Here's part of what could have been, had I written earlier:

I've been learning quite a bit about myself lately.  I'm trying to not be so self-deprecating.  I'm trying to live with a humble confidence, though it seems like an oxymoron.  Listening to myself speak, I think I have become very cerebral lately.  I think a lot within my ears and that makes for a lot of writing motivation with feeling.

Perhaps it is because I have been with myself a lot, that I get stuck inside my head.  And the fact that I also have had more opportunities lately to spend time with others and have taken advantage of them.  And I'm honest.  I speak what I'm feeling.  Most of the time.  So rather than just being stuck inside my head, I am sharing these thoughts that I've developed in my time alone and am learning to understand them better.  I'm learning to understand me better and even to be able to relate with others better.

There are also times (many times!) when I catch my heart dreaming.  I feel it trying to act as my mind but my mind knows better.  Still, if I let my mind's guard down, even for a second, my heart thinks it has the upper hand, and perhaps sometimes it does.

I've also thought perhaps my brain works differently than others'.  I have to explain myself so many ways.  Why can't I get it right the first time?  Have I lost touch with humanity?  Have I traded "comfort" for community?  Though, of course I know that, in a way, my brain does work differently than others' because all of us are different.  There's no need to get frustrated about this.  I can learn to live in community.

But community shall not be an idol for me.  At least, I hope not.  I do not wish for community for community's sake.  I wish for community so that I may better serve the Lord.  So that I may be a more effective servant.

I want to say more, but my mind has been tired for several hours now and it's been a long night as it is.  I also feel that what I've said here will suffice for now.

"I'm still walking the line the leads me home alone.  All I know I've still got mountains to climb on my own."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Hammers and Nails

So lately I've been in my head a lot.  And what I mean by that is that I have had a lot of negativity rolling around in my head and I can't seem to find a way to get it out.  It's like there is someone inside me trying to make me believe lies about myself.  How do I deal with that?

I've been taught to believe that alone I have no value, but when I am in relationship with God, I could not have more value.  Am I just getting stuck on the first part?  Or is it that I have been caught up in an obligatory love (which isn't love at all) for God?  I'm not sure exactly how to remedy this.  Sometimes when I'm driving, I find myself longing for someone next to me, someone to lock hands with.  This places weights on my heart and I don't feel fit to lift it from the depths.  I then feel that I am seeking fulfillment in something temporary, something that will just leave me with more holes than I started.

However, I know it will feel good.  The feeling just won't last.  So how do I escape that and look to the lasting Source of joy?

I can't take these infatuations.  They are foolishness.  They are empty and vacant with regards to love.  Though I feel that when sometimes when people see me, they see me with a "No Vacancy" sign.  That I just want to be with myself.  That I am a sufficient companion for me.  Still I know they know that of my self-depreciation.  So how can they see them both?  If they know I'm depreciating my value myself, why would they continue to hit the hammer with the nail?

Perhaps because I don't tell them of how bad I hurt.  And even in that, I feel that I talk about it too much.  That I come across as a constant whiner, and no one wants that.  That's what I've learned.  No one wants to be around someone who does nothing but complain and whine all the time.  But is it really whining?  I'm just trying to figure out who I am.  I'm trying to discover myself.  I'm looking in others to see me.  Why can't I look in myself to see me?  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I do in fact see glimpses of myself inside, but too much of what I see from myself may not even be me talking and it's lies.  It's someone trying to convince me that I'm worth less than nothing.

So where do I go?  Will someone pull these nails out of my head?  I've done enough hammering myself and encouraged too many people to help me hammer them in.  I've even been the hammer to others, which adds nails to my own head just thinking about it.

And here's where I say I'm sorry.