Monday, April 11, 2011

My Vicarious Life

Some feelings lately:

"There's a voice in my head but it's not me."

"I think way too much on a one track mind."

"I don't know what else to do...Are You sure You want me?"

"You said, 'I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'...And You promise me that You believe in time I will defeat this 'cause somewhere in me there is strength...Reach out to me. Make my heart brand new."

"...I was positive that unless I got myself together I would watch me fall apart and I can't let that happen again...See that line? I never should have crossed it...It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back. And who I am will take the second chance You gave me."

"I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this. And I just pray that my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works...Any control I thought I had, just slips right through my hands, while my ever present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me. Then and there, I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness. Yet You love me and that consumes me. And I'll stand up again, and do so willingly. You give me hope and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart and when You do You make it light."

"And I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key."

"You're the only One who understands completely. You're the only One who knows me yet still loves completely....and through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again."

"...I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by. And what we take from this is what we'll get. And we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck. Strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up."

"I just fall apart 'cause that's my trademark. It's my trademark move to turn my back on You. It's my trademark move to realize I should improve. And sometime soon after that You'll see me come crawling back."

"Everybody makes mistakes, here's your lifeline"

"...even if your hope has burned with time. Anything that's dead shall be re-grown."

"Something's broken and seems unnatural."

"I'm not the one to admit it's helpless. I have a sense that we will be alright."

"...Keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load. I walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes."

"You make everything glorious and I am Yours. What does that make me?"

"Ever faithful, ever true. You, I know, You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go."

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Just a Moment

I'm 22 for a moment. Just a moment though. The world passes by at the speed of life. As much as I wish I could, I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I'm just another broken piece in this imperfect world. I cannot escape that. There is no way. Nothing of my own doing will ever change that. It is only through grace and mercy and, ultimately, love that my circumstance will change.

I'm 22 for a moment. Yet sometimes these moments seem so long. Sometimes I long to fast-forward to the next period. The next moment. I sleep during the day and lie awake at night. The stars keep me company but the room is so cold.

I'm 22 for a moment. And that moment is going so fast. I look back and 18 is only a day away. Where did the last four years go? My life is moving and I'm trying to catch up. I'm trying to make the most of it. Or, I wish I was. There are so many days that I would like to have back. If that means that I could change them. Could do something about them. Sure, there are days that I'm glad I am through with, but my heart keeps beating and sometimes I would just like a pause.

I'm 22 for a moment. And more than 21 moments have passed me by with regret. More than a month has been wasted. Should that not inspire me to change? I guess it goes back to me being powerless to change myself.

I'm 22 for a moment. And there have been so many moments where I've been living for something else. Things not worthy of my time. Even noble things with the wrong motive. I have tried to convince myself that the reason I want a relationship is to reflect the relationship of the Triune God with Himself and with Man. But I am only deceiving myself. I pursue relationships to find identity. To find where I am, even who I am. This is not what they were meant for. No wonder I have not found that authentic relationship yet. I'm not seeking the Kingdom first. I've become a person who is only Kingdom-minded when it is convenient for me. I have lost the order of my priorities. My heart has deceived me. I have listened to my feelings rather than my Creator. Perhaps when I listen to what God has to say to me I will better understand these feelings I have. Maybe He'll let me have a relationship. But I cannot be pursuing that with my heart and my life as I have been. That is only messing with my mind and pushing away authentic time with the One who made me from scratch.

I'm 22 for a moment. And I can't let that moment pass me by. I can't let my heart forget how to fly.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Just Let Go

Hello there. I've got a few feelings worth sharing lately but I'm also quite tired. I'll just go into one of them this time. Recently I was listening to my iPod on shuffle and a song came up that I felt really pertains to one of my current situations. The song is called "Just Let Go" and it's by the band Mae. Something interesting about the fact that this song is describing my situation now is that I believe it did the same around the start of my college career. I remember there was a period where I listened to it for a while, which is usually because I can relate to the words spoken in it. So it is as if I have come full circle here in college. Situations have changed and I would say many can see that I have as well. But somehow I have come back to this song, or rather it has returned to lay in the lap of my ears once again. This time listening to it, I hear it as a duet. The duet allows it to make more sense for me now. So I am going to put the lyrics here in the way that I hear it. B (for boy) will be me, G (for girl) will be her, and T (for together) will both of us.

B: We've got all night just to make it alright. Would you take a walk with me? I'll give you all I've got just spare me your time and I promise you won't want to leave.
G: Are you, are you falling for me?
B: (thinking to himself) This time we'll find what we both need.
B: There's an old oak tree, we can swing and sway, we'll lock arms and legs. You're so far away. When I look at you, you're so far away, I'm so far away.
G: Oh if you could just let go.
B: Wet your eyes with me just for a while. I'll take you out of harm's way. And like these branches that shelter the rain we can lay here in our own shade.
G: Are you, are you falling for me?
B: Just watch, the two of us will see. There's an old oak tree, we can swing and sway, we'll lock arms and legs. You're so far away. When I look at you, you're so far away. I'm so far away. There is so much that I could give to you, just say you want me to. I know these roots could break the ground. And in the meantime our leaves will turn. But rest assured, we'll get through anything.
T: Are you, are you falling for me?
B: Like I, oh I'm falling for you. There's an old oak tree, we can swing and sway, we'll lock arms and legs. You're so far away. It's just you and me. We can get away. We can get away.
G: You're so far away.
B: (thinking to himself) In this lover's play we are happy here, oh in every way. Oh, and then we just let go.
G: Just let go.
B: (to himself) Just let go.

So I envision this song as a conversation between myself and someone that I sort of have feelings for, knowing she doesn't share them. Not only does she not share those same feelings, but I've fallen for her twice before, only to realize she was just being herself. She wasn't trying to make me fall for her. So it's as though I'm falling for her and partially trying not to. I'm trying to tell myself to just let go but for some reason my heart keeps beating on in a direction pointed toward her. So perhaps that explains (to a certain extent) why this song applies to my current situation.
Anyway, that's one of my feelings lately. Maybe one day soon I'll post some of the others. What do you think?