I'm learning how to be still. Or well..I'm trying. What does it mean to be still before the Lord? What does it mean to sit and intentionally not do anything for a time? I'm trying to figure that out, or I'm trying to figure out what I'm trying to figure out. Perhaps I'm just trying to figure out where You're taking me, or where I'm going, what's next.
A part of me sort of hopes I don't get into either of the graduate schools that I've applied to. Then I can be free to make the next step. I can go south. I can figure out sooner where I can go. Or I can stay. I can tell you how I feel. A part of me wants doors to close so that I know which ones to walk through. A part of me wants to tell you so much and another part of me says I've already told you too much.
And there's another thing I thought about just today: why do I separate the Christian life from the rest of my life? Why can't I love the same always and everywhere? I don't want to put blame on anyone or anything else, but could it be at least partially a result of us having "Christian" music, "Christian" art, and other "Christian" things? With that it is as if I should only be a Christian in certain settings, but that is not what I am meant to do. I am meant to love all of God's children, everywhere. There is no limit to His love, why should I have a limit to mine?
Granted, it is sometimes difficult working for a federal program or a public school district, and similar settings, but I can still love. I try to but sometimes I may put a limit on the way that I love because I don't want to offend, or I don't want people to associate me with those who shove words of "love" down others' throats. I don't want people to get the wrong idea.
And I've invested so much of my life to pursuing relationships though it feels like I have so little to show for it. Relationships can't be all that I focus on because I will never find the perfect one, especially if that is all that I am looking for. If it's all I'm looking for, when I find it I may miss it or I may mess up the opportunity.
I'm also sometimes a little afraid to speak my mind when it comes to relationships. I decide to wait until I'm in something officially to share how I feel, but if I wait that long how will anyone know how I truly feel. So then I end up waiting until we have an official name to our relationship (which is rarely the case) or until I know she is not interested. I wait until it is too late.
Why do I wait to tell someone how I feel? Is it really because I don't want them to run away? Perhaps if it's the right person being myself and saying how I feel will work. After all, I do want to be honest in my relationships. I do want to build relationships on authenticity. If I wait too long to say how I feel it could be too late. She may think I am just trying to pull her back in. That I'm just trying to say what she wants to hear in an effort to get her back. That's typically not the case. No, instead I'm just realizing that I never had the chance to say how I really felt. Or actually, I had the chance but I was perhaps just too afraid of what she would think. Afraid that she might think I am overdoing it or that I am saying too much too soon.
Maybe now I've said too much but it does feel good to get it out. It's not going to save me. It's not going to give me life but it does feel good in a positive way. Something's right about this.