I'm back again but what was I going to say... There's been a lot on my mind lately but at the same time there hasn't been a lot going on. I think I've been wanting something and know that I have to wait. I've also been around myself too long. It's been a little upsetting to have so much time alone. I'm striving to be content where I'm at and trying to learn to be present in the present. It's such a difficult thing. As soon as I stop my mind almost senses that something is wrong, but that's not the case.
Or if I'm too still my veins begin pulsing. That's only sometimes, like if I feel like I should be doing something but don't know quite what. There is love available and I need to learn to sit in it. Sitting is good. It can be good. I just do too much of it. I sit while the world keeps spinning and then I remember that it's not spinning on my axis. I'm not the center of it all.
And I know that. Some people think that we want to help others because we want to make ourselves feel better. Is that true? Could it be that that is only for some people? I just want to help people because I feel a deep desire to do so. I want to help because I know that I have been helped and I know how it feels to feel alone. I know how it feels to be too ashamed to ask for help. Too scared to ask for help. I want people to know that it is okay to ask for help. I want to be that person who uses what he has to help those around him.
And I don't want to do it to lift myself up. How many times must I say that? I legitimately want to help people. The problem is comes when I am trying to find someone to help. How can I be of assistance? How do I put my skills to use?
And arms. That's what I want (to be). I want arms to hold and I want to use my arms for that as well. I am a lonely man but there is hope, right? I know there is. I know there is.
My life is a popsicle melting in the sun. Does anyone seize the day with a mind on the future anymore? Is it possible to live a sustainably present life? Take my heart out and use it for someone else if they have a better use for it. I'm holding my heart out and wondering if anyone will stay long enough to share. Or if I can hold their interest long enough. It seems more like it's me who does the leaving lately.
Does this life ever feel like it's too long to be not long enough?