Friday, October 24, 2014

Poetry and the depth of a few words

you've found me in my frustrations.

Shallow practical skills,
deep emotions,
life is more than
local motion.

You look inside me,
you see something
others don't.

You're apart
and something
feels like
you're a part
of me.

You see my
You clear my
eyes and
see what I'm
blind to.

My eyes
are open.
My heart,
no longer


Love says,
put me in
a box."

Love says,
"You are
you are
I cannot,
I will not,
I'll try not,
to change

Sometimes love
marry you if
you'll marry me

Other times love
says, "I'll
be honest;
I don't
see a future beyond
who we are

Love accepts
who we are,
where we are,
when we are,
how we are.

Love does not

We'll grow
and our
will grow
with us.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I can only be me

I don't have much time to talk but there are just a couple things on my mind.

I'll be brief.

First, it seems like we tend to get deeper once the goodbyes have been said.  I like that.  I like that we're able to get deeper and really talk about the big things.  It's hard to say goodbye for real because I don't want these conversations to end.  However, maybe if we closed the conversation earlier, it would allow us to reach the profound depth much sooner.

And second, I feel like I'm trying to be everything to everyone.  There is no time for stretching myself because I already have a rigid schedule.  Any extra time is built for homework and self-care.  So what does that look like?  I'm trying to encourage others to care for themselves, however I'm still not completely sure how to do it myself.  I challenge myself so much that I'm not completely able to relax and enjoy life.  When I'm not doing one of my obligatory tasks, I'm either sleeping to avoid my approaching responsibilities or I'm all in.  I'm still not sure what this means.  I've been on the upslope but I lose my grip often and tumble down hard.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

A Current Picture of Self-Description

get me out of this frustration.
Even now this conversation
is more of an oration.

Any time I have
to invest in elaboration
is stifled by myself,
my own limitation.

The words that arise
with frequency
may require elaboration,
but the lack of somatic symptoms
elicits a less precise explanation.

Just listen to my narration
and hear the gasps
of desperation.
I'm reaching for water
in this desert of dehydration.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Not exactly a To Do List

Things I haven't done yet:

  • Study for my midterm
  • Finish my laundry
  • Analyze data for themes for my poster presentation
  • Complete my poster
Things I have done:
  • Finished one class worth of homework
  • Sleep
  • Some laundry
  • Avoid doing work
  • Feel lazy
  • Be unproductive
I'm a mess and can't just pick up this laziness and throw it away.  The world is crumbling in front of me and inside me.

Pull this knife
out of me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What am I avoiding? and what's the primary emotion?

I need rest.
Some days I need rest.
All days I need rest.

Some days the rest of my rest is not restful.
Some days I'm avoiding my job.
my duties.
my emotions.

I need a place to express myself.  I need someone following me around.
a blank canvas and paint.
open ears.

I'm okay and my heart is sinking.
And all I can think of is what I'm lacking.
What am I doing here?
Who am I benefiting?
Do the ends justify the means?
do they justify the needs?

Am I as judgmental as I think I am?
Can I give myself credit in more ways than one?
Am I just speaking politically around some so as to appear more together?
And what of the times when everything inside is tearing me apart and tense?
What then?

What of the time when there is no one else around?
There will not always be someone else.
I cannot define myself in someone else.
Do I take full advantage of the time we have together?

Back to the neediness.

Why can't I just be content?
I ruminate on emotions
and distortions
and perceptions
and my life runs off on tangents.

This is me trying to make sense of it all
without having someone vocal.
When I'm typing on a public forum
my voice sounds different.

When I'm speaking from a place of
sought understanding
my voice is well known.

I'm seeking to understand
and I don't allow others the patience
to follow me while I try
to find the right thought.

I tend to think out loud
because when I think to myself
I tend to destroy the one listening.
I overthink.
Into my thoughts I sink.

So was this even helpful?
was it worth it?
Do you see how I can be confusing?
how I'm confused?

It's these soft sciences that are so hard to define.
It's these secondary and tertiary emotions that don't easily rhyme.

I'm a mess and working on it.
I'm a mess and that's okay.

We'll get there.
           And who are we?