"I still love you," You say to me time and again. But so often I don't feel it, or I just look right passed it. What am I thinking? What compels me to run so quick to something I've barely tasted when I know the taste of what I already have inside? Is it the excitement of the unknown? Maybe sometimes. And sometimes it seems to be the selfish desire for immediate gratification.
I enjoy times that I have with friends and in my life but the taste of something else comes so quick. Something that is not my lot. At least not yet. Sometimes it's just my impatience. I want so much to be with someone else. Even if it's not a romantic relationship, I want to feel something there. To feel someone there. It appears that sometimes that desire is greater than my desire to be seen holy and blameless to You and that cannot be. That is not as it should be.
I must first seek the Kingdom and You will work in me. You will allow me satisfaction. It will mean waiting. It will mean being patient when I think I want something that is outside my lot. I must be content with the lot that You have given me. To look beyond my life and covet other's situations is to live in sin. I do not wish to live in sin. You have me right where I am for a reason. I can look from my side of the fence but must not let it spark a covetous desire.
I so often come to a place in my life where I know that I must trust that Your timing is perfect but my flesh is so quick to say, "but when?" I know You'll place someone in my life if that is Your will but I must live now. I must learn to live today. Perhaps it may not even be Your will for me to share this life with one person. They are difficult words to admit but how else may I live? This inside life, on top of cushions and in front of screens is doing nothing to seek the Kingdom. Whose kingdom am I seeking inside these walls? It appears to be no one's but my own.
So forgive me for living this selfish life of doing nothing but waiting. It is somewhat clear why You haven't showed me yet. My eyes might as well be closed most days the way that I am living my life. I wait for something to happen and these in between moments are the worst. I don't do anything. The air outside could be made of love but I would have little proof. These walls are seldom escaped and I have made them my prison. Even deeper is the cell in my head.
But my lot is what You have given me. How will I use it? What are my next steps? Please show me where to go. I don't want to keep falling for these tricks of those outside. I want to be content in that which You have given me. And I want to learn to live in the in between time. To seek the Kingdom that is all around me. The Kingdom that is living and breathing the world and heavens over. I want to feel value. You're here. I trust You. Do big things. Let me in on the world Your changing. The change does not start today but maybe tonight is when I really join in. When I jump on your carousel already spinning. For too long I have been just laying on the bench, sometimes watching and other times with my eyes closed. Please pull me on and take me spinning with You. I want a life that is not stagnant. A life that doesn't pass me by. A life that is worth living. I want to put to death this life of boredom and wake up a life of freedom and reality. A life of joy. A life that rejoices in sorrow. A life that doesn't put on a happy face but wears authenticity. Please take me with You.