It's time again to go swimming. No, not in the waters of winter. It's much too cold for that. I'm going swimming in a life that is giving up to gain more. I am going swimming in Your waters because that is the only place where life is. I've been living too much on dry land lately. It's too safe here. I am guaranteed not to drown, but I don't like it. I want to live where it's risky. Where I have to trust You.
And what I'm giving up is something I've tried before. I'm giving up the pursuit of relationships. I cannot keep living as though there is one relationship that will solve everything. One relationship that will make it all better. I have all I need here. Here in the waters of Your love. That's what I need to remember. Only a few hours ago I was thinking about how I had made it through over 24 years and only ended up with some shirts I like. What kind of a way to live is that?
I had also thought, perhaps this quarter-life crisis is much closer to the end than I would like to admit. That may be true, but I can't let that cripple me. If death is closer than a quarter of my life away, isn't that more reason to be living it? Still, everyday I must die. I must die to the things that I'm putting on to avoid truth. Why can't people see the real me? Why do I sometimes feel I have to hide who I am? Why can't we be who we are at the moments that we are?
So I'm choosing again to go swimming. Swimming with You. I'm diving into what is mostly unknown. I don't need to know where I'm going before I get there. I trust that You do and that's enough. I don't need relationship. Why do I keep pursuing it? Am I lonely? Sure! That's alright. Perhaps loneliness is a part of life. Or even better, perhaps loneliness is the death I need to see beyond myself and into real and true life.
I plan to not plan. Within reason and without.
I will be okay with what's going on because it's all a part of a greater story.
I will not look at everyone I meet as a potential girlfriend.
I will start again.
And I will not let my past influence my future.
Though I will learn from my mistakes, my mistakes will not have power over me. Even if they may not have been mistakes, they will not control me. They are dead and I am alive now. I am living where the water flows freely and no power can stop me. I will break free, for these chains are melting beneath me.
I will swim again.