Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Turn the Lights Back On and Wake Up!

Dear Destruction,

You are my downfall.  You live inside me and I can't rid myself of you.  You disguise yourself in such convincing clothes.  You prance around me with your enticing looks.  Even the times that you're not disguised you somehow get a hold of me.

My heart spins around and tries to close its eyes. It turns its back on my rational self.  "You're on your own," it says, "don't come crawling back to me for an excuse.  This wasn't my decision."

I fall further.  deeper.  faster.

You're so pleased.  You dance during my downfall.  You rejoice in my pain.  You stab me with a sly smile.  You break skin and leave me to fend for myself.  You stab me again, this time disguised as a sweet embrace.

You're not welcome here.  My heart is trying to remain intact.  You're a tac hammer.  A chisel.  You eat away at my progress.  You fight for the wrong team and get me to cheer you on.  Then I wake up from underneath your blindfold and am destroyed.  Destroyed in guilt.  And shame.  And am reduced to a face without a name.  No one will want this.  It's all just a shame.  You win time and again, all the while working to conceal my escape route.

It's big.
The smallest light removes any trace of permanent darkness.  If darkness is the absence of light, I become found.  I wake up free, though not without the guilt inside me.  I may wear some of these sores on my sleeve but it feels so much darker inside sometimes.  It's hard to find a flashlight when the power's out.  Someone chips away and it feels like it's coming from within.  Sin can disguise itself in good works and great intentions.

Shine a light.  Shine a light.  Shine a light.
Wake me up I'm falling for the slightest sin.  I'm breaking from the war within.  No one will hear me if I do not speak.  And what of those who are too ashamed themselves?  Is that why I'm here?  Again.  Is there really "a meaning to it all"?  "A little resurrection every time I fall"?

"Don't listen to the automatic thoughts," they say.  Or, "Write them down and allow yourself analysis.  You won't give them power.  On the contrary, your lack of acknowledgement right now is what is fueling their fires.  Write them down.  Speak them out.  Show them that they are not valid.  Show them that you won't be fazed.  That your rationale will overcome.  Or perhaps it's not a rationale.  Maybe it's just the truth.  Or the Truth."

You'll make it out alive.  Though truthfully you'll die.  Unless the Return arrives before your departure, you'll likely die.  Death is just a part of life.  Or maybe it's not a part of life, but rather an introduction instigated by a conclusion.  And at the same time I must learn to die daily.  It seems exhausting, though simultaneously absolutely necessary.  You won't feel the same when you die.  You'll be refreshed.  Every day you don't die to yourself a little bit of yourself dies instead.

Wake up!  It's time to die so much that you can't help but live.  Don't concern yourself so much with the future.  Don't dwell on the past.  You'll make it.  You've made it.  This time here in the hallway is still life.  Do you realize that?  You're living.  It may not feel like it, but even these moments in-between the two doors are a part of something.

If you wake up you'll see.  And don't wake up because you're told to.  Wake up because there are no other choices!  Living your life underneath your eyelids will only increase the darkness.  And no, I don't mean to incite guilt in your heart.  Just know that when you wake up you won't regret it.

Live every moment with a "Good morning" mentality.
Acknowledge yourself.  Acknowledge others.
Accept yourself and accept others.
This life isn't yours to throw away.
So use it wisely before your soul gets recycled.

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