Saturday, April 19, 2014

Insight from Someone on the Inside

It just feels so good to talk about it.  I'm not trying to say that that's the only way that it's true, but it sure does help.  The tears welling up felt so good, and perhaps that was necessary.  Maybe that will keep Saturn's rings at bay.  Or rather, around my head they will not stay.  It's like something's moving outside me, though I know it's coming from the inside.  Does that make any sense to you?  How do you describe something to someone when you yourself think you're crazy?

Who needs onions?  I've got life experiences.  Maybe you're right, confrontations are just a part of life.  I can think about so many things, like what needs to be done, but when the rings begin circling again I'm stuck.  Or am I running?  I don't want to feel this way but I don't really know how to describe it without seeming crazy, or without it appearing that I'm making it up for attention.  I'm really not, you know.  These thoughts really are distressing.  They're very real.  So much so, they seem to manifest themselves as something other than thoughts.  These cognitions feel more like apparitions that I cannot see but nevertheless feel very real.

In addition to Saturn's rings, they sometimes manifest themselves in the form of an old film.  The horizontal lines travel down my upper body, staying mostly near my head.  It doesn't feel any better, in case you were curious.

How can I write down my automatic thoughts, their behaviors, and alternate thoughts to challenge them with all of this going on inside?  I try to do that but it seems that I get stuck during the first two steps, most times ruminating on the first.  Yes there are times that I make it all the way to the point of developing challenging thoughts, but they don't seem to be very productive.  They are made of much less substance than the automatic thoughts and the behaviors associated with them.  Perhaps, as I've previously thought, it is not the primary thoughts that really seem to matter, but rather the secondary thoughts.  This is particularly true when the initial thoughts are incomplete, meaning I know their potential or where they are leading and I don't allow my mind to think them all the way through.

So after all, it seems like some of the verbalization does seem to help.  Maybe especially as an extroverted recharger living alone in a new city.  It's not that new to me, but it's still only been a year.  There is still much to be explored, so we'll see where the stairs lead from here.  I don't want to find my identity in someone else, unless it is the One that really matters.  However, excessive time to myself doesn't only lead to regret.  It is also a feeding grown for negativity and beginning to believe some of the falsehoods.  Therefore, if I talk your ear off please forgive me, very few responses may be necessary, just let me know you're here.  Let me know you hear.  And validate the truth.  And challenge the lies.

thank you.

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