Wake me in Chiapas

Help.  I still want to help you.  The world.  I want to be light in a dark place.  I think I may have read this in the book that I'm reading right now, but it's a good one:

Don't blame the dark for being dark, blame the light for not shining there.

So I want to help.  I want to be the help.  Not so that people will look at me and see the great things I've done.  Not so that I will be lifted high.  I want to be the help because that is what this world needs.  If we will not speak for the voiceless, the rocks will cry out.  Their cry will be heard over our sighs of our "problems."

"I can't afford to spend so much money on gas."  "I don't have enough time to drop you off."  "I can't believe I stained my favorite shirt."  "She doesn't even know I exist."

Are these really problems?  I want to help where there are true problems.  Where people don't know where to turn.  Not where people are complaining about a life that could be better, but could be so much worse.

I want to climb on the trains with these kids.  I want to show them they're loved.  Something brought me back tonight to when I was reading the book Enrique's Journey by Sonia Nazario.  Are those kids to far away?  Are they too out of my reach?  Are they beyond my comfort zone?  Something has to be done.  Someone must tell them that they are loved.  No, someone must live love for them.  If all we do is tell people that they are loved, how will they know?  They must see it in us.  I want the glue sniffers, the traintop-dwellers, the shiverers, the orphaned, and the left-behind to know that they are loved.  That they are loved infinitely more than they may ever know.  I want them to be able to feel it.

Am I thinking too quickly?  Are my thoughts preceding rationality?  Or is that rationalism trying to convince me that I shouldn't do this?  That this doesn't matter?  The thing is, I know it matters.  The Lord hears the cries of these boys and girls, even men and women, who are so desperate for something more.  They'll leave what they have in search of something better.

I want to be an instrument.

Before arriving at church I was thinking more about waking up in a dream and how that would be but no, this is it.  Though I would like to entertain that thought, if only for a bit.  Have you ever thought what it would be like?  Waking up in a dream?  Why do we always wake up back in reality?  Why can't we wake up in the subconscious world?  That would be an interesting day.  People flying.  I would be jumping the height of skyscrapers.  Talking animals.  The possibilities are really quite endless.  I just think it's an interesting idea.  I think that's something I want to think into a little more some other time.  Maybe a book or short story on such an idea.

For now, just send me to Chiapas and show me how to be the most effective.  Perhaps another degree will help me meet these goals.  Let's see where this goes but I'm looking for something.  I don't want to stop if I'm not supposed to.  If this is what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, I may need a push.  Help.  Help me help.

Dying Daily

1. more thing before I go
2. sleep.

This life sure is something.

I'm learning so much recently.  Sometimes what at the moment can cause me to feel so down and lost, can lead me into a point of such hope.  I guess the same sort of thing can be applied to the moments when I almost feel like something else is controlling me.  Those moments when I feel like I am controlled by desire, a desire for a good feeling.  Those moments are strange because I know they are fleeting, yet it's so difficult to abandon that desire.

I am learning that death can be a good thing.  This is not a desire for attention, not speaking around suicidal thoughts.  No, it's not that at all.  I am finding that these moments where I see something I had hoped for dying, I recognize that it was not something to hope for at all.  It too is fleeting.  Even looking for a relationship with meaning is not why we're here.

Do I want a relationship?  Honestly?  Yes.  But should I be actively seeking that out?  No, not right now at least.  If I am seeking it out in the way that I have been in the past then I will not find it.  It will not have the meaning that I want it to.  I must be patient and find who I am in Christ right now.  A relationship with a significant other is not where meaning in life is found.  The opposite may be what a lot of our society is trying to tell us but it's just not true.

I am made to love and to serve and that is what I will do.  Death is a part of this life and I would even venture to say that it is a part of this life that I need to invest more time in.  I need to die daily.  Let's work on that.  It may sound cliché to say it, but dying daily is such an important aspect to really living.  So let's make something of this life.

That seems to be all for now.  Just had to share that.  Something's coming and perhaps this is it.  Or maybe this is just a part of it.  But I feel it.  This life is exciting.

Swimming Again

It's time again to go swimming.  No, not in the waters of winter.  It's much too cold for that.  I'm going swimming in a life that is giving up to gain more.  I am going swimming in Your waters because that is the only place where life is.  I've been living too much on dry land lately.  It's too safe here.  I am guaranteed not to drown, but I don't like it.  I want to live where it's risky.  Where I have to trust You.

And what I'm giving up is something I've tried before.  I'm giving up the pursuit of relationships.  I cannot keep living as though there is one relationship that will solve everything.  One relationship that will make it all better.  I have all I need here.  Here in the waters of Your love.  That's what I need to remember.  Only a few hours ago I was thinking about how I had made it through over 24 years and only ended up with some shirts I like.  What kind of a way to live is that?

I had also thought, perhaps this quarter-life crisis is much closer to the end than I would like to admit.  That may be true, but I can't let that cripple me.  If death is closer than a quarter of my life away, isn't that more reason to be living it?  Still, everyday I must die.  I must die to the things that I'm putting on to avoid truth.  Why can't people see the real me?  Why do I sometimes feel I have to hide who I am?  Why can't we be who we are at the moments that we are?

So I'm choosing again to go swimming.  Swimming with You.  I'm diving into what is mostly unknown.  I don't need to know where I'm going before I get there.  I trust that You do and that's enough.  I don't need relationship.  Why do I keep pursuing it?  Am I lonely?  Sure!  That's alright.  Perhaps loneliness is a part of life.  Or even better, perhaps loneliness is the death I need to see beyond myself and into real and true life.

So.
I plan to not plan.  Within reason and without.
I will be okay with what's going on because it's all a part of a greater story.
I will not look at everyone I meet as a potential girlfriend.
I will start again.
And again.
And again.
And I will not let my past influence my future.

Though I will learn from my mistakes, my mistakes will not have power over me.  Even if they may not have been mistakes, they will not control me.  They are dead and I am alive now.  I am living where the water flows freely and no power can stop me.  I will break free, for these chains are melting beneath me.

I will swim again.

"We are once in a lifetime alive"

"This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you've been torn"

Yes I'm still awake, though barely.  I've wanted to write on here but haven't felt I had the time.  I felt today would be a good day to do so though, considering it is 12/12/12.

And, as usual when I wait too long to post, the inspiration is mostly gone.

Here's part of what could have been, had I written earlier:

I've been learning quite a bit about myself lately.  I'm trying to not be so self-deprecating.  I'm trying to live with a humble confidence, though it seems like an oxymoron.  Listening to myself speak, I think I have become very cerebral lately.  I think a lot within my ears and that makes for a lot of writing motivation with feeling.

Perhaps it is because I have been with myself a lot, that I get stuck inside my head.  And the fact that I also have had more opportunities lately to spend time with others and have taken advantage of them.  And I'm honest.  I speak what I'm feeling.  Most of the time.  So rather than just being stuck inside my head, I am sharing these thoughts that I've developed in my time alone and am learning to understand them better.  I'm learning to understand me better and even to be able to relate with others better.

There are also times (many times!) when I catch my heart dreaming.  I feel it trying to act as my mind but my mind knows better.  Still, if I let my mind's guard down, even for a second, my heart thinks it has the upper hand, and perhaps sometimes it does.

I've also thought perhaps my brain works differently than others'.  I have to explain myself so many ways.  Why can't I get it right the first time?  Have I lost touch with humanity?  Have I traded "comfort" for community?  Though, of course I know that, in a way, my brain does work differently than others' because all of us are different.  There's no need to get frustrated about this.  I can learn to live in community.

But community shall not be an idol for me.  At least, I hope not.  I do not wish for community for community's sake.  I wish for community so that I may better serve the Lord.  So that I may be a more effective servant.

I want to say more, but my mind has been tired for several hours now and it's been a long night as it is.  I also feel that what I've said here will suffice for now.

"I'm still walking the line the leads me home alone.  All I know I've still got mountains to climb on my own."

Hammers and Nails

So lately I've been in my head a lot.  And what I mean by that is that I have had a lot of negativity rolling around in my head and I can't seem to find a way to get it out.  It's like there is someone inside me trying to make me believe lies about myself.  How do I deal with that?

I've been taught to believe that alone I have no value, but when I am in relationship with God, I could not have more value.  Am I just getting stuck on the first part?  Or is it that I have been caught up in an obligatory love (which isn't love at all) for God?  I'm not sure exactly how to remedy this.  Sometimes when I'm driving, I find myself longing for someone next to me, someone to lock hands with.  This places weights on my heart and I don't feel fit to lift it from the depths.  I then feel that I am seeking fulfillment in something temporary, something that will just leave me with more holes than I started.

However, I know it will feel good.  The feeling just won't last.  So how do I escape that and look to the lasting Source of joy?

I can't take these infatuations.  They are foolishness.  They are empty and vacant with regards to love.  Though I feel that when sometimes when people see me, they see me with a "No Vacancy" sign.  That I just want to be with myself.  That I am a sufficient companion for me.  Still I know they know that of my self-depreciation.  So how can they see them both?  If they know I'm depreciating my value myself, why would they continue to hit the hammer with the nail?

Perhaps because I don't tell them of how bad I hurt.  And even in that, I feel that I talk about it too much.  That I come across as a constant whiner, and no one wants that.  That's what I've learned.  No one wants to be around someone who does nothing but complain and whine all the time.  But is it really whining?  I'm just trying to figure out who I am.  I'm trying to discover myself.  I'm looking in others to see me.  Why can't I look in myself to see me?  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I do in fact see glimpses of myself inside, but too much of what I see from myself may not even be me talking and it's lies.  It's someone trying to convince me that I'm worth less than nothing.

So where do I go?  Will someone pull these nails out of my head?  I've done enough hammering myself and encouraged too many people to help me hammer them in.  I've even been the hammer to others, which adds nails to my own head just thinking about it.

And here's where I say I'm sorry.

I am a Dreamer and I know it All to Well

It's good to know I have a heart.

But that heart gets me in trouble sometimes.  My heart tries to think for itself and dreams dreams that twirl me around in circles.  In disasters.  I'm breaking myself thinking things could be possible that are far out of reach.  I'm dreaming of situations that have no basis on reality.  And I'm breaking myself but can't really stop.

And Taylor doesn't help.

I'm a dreamer and perhaps that's all there is.  The name of this blog comes from a song that states just that.  "I am a dreamer, take me higher.  Open the sky up, start a fire.  I believe even if it's just a dream."

And some of my dreaming just gets me in trouble.  I dream outside the rationale.  But isn't that what dreaming is?  If dreaming were rational it wouldn't be dreaming?

So there are wings on my heart and it's as if one side is lopsidedly flying away from the other.  It's spinning in circles, chasing after these vaporous wishes.  This isn't a relationship.  The other side knows.  Part of me will stay and the other will try to leave only to find itself spinning in circles just above me.

If you can grab me gently and pull me in, please do.  I'm swimming in the atmosphere between wishes, dreams, lyrics, and something that almost smells like hope.  Toss me the life preserver, though I want my life to be more than preserved.  If you're going to catch me just to prolong my life, leave me be.  I want a life enhancer.  Always something new.  Not necessarily materially, but something new.

So I'm still swimming among the weeds.  Getting tangled and thinking they're pushing me along, but really they're holding me down from the waves that I'm meant to glide in on.

Memories as companions and Infatuations as dreams

I walked down familiar roads today.  It was like walking through a time capsule.  Like I could see the people and the places as they had been in my life.  Where did the time go?  I saw memories of waiting at the bus stop and not even knowing if it would come or if we had missed it already.  I saw my friends and I reaching for the deck of a skateboard in the storm drain.  I saw memories of people putting forth effort to make me into a man when I was already becoming one in my own way.  I didn't need it to be forced upon me.  Manhood would find me, even if it's not in the form of how society typically sees it.

I wondered if becoming an adult was learning to be afraid.  Growing up there was little to fear except what seems to be legitimate fear-causing experiences.  Now, some things frighten us in ways that we couldn't imagine growing up.  Things we weren't concerned about, or we didn't have to come across.  Fearing what others think or what will happen to us.  Where do these fears come from, are they from so many experiences?

It was quite relaxing to walk alongside my memories.  It's not something I can do where I live.  Or the memories that keep me company where I live now are so recent.  They don't share the same nostalgia as the memories that befriended me today.


And then later in the day was  a sudden infatuation.  From whence did this come?  It was quite unexpected and my heart thought it was love, though I'm trying not to believe it.  I somehow got 20 seconds of courage and something happened.  But now I've trapped myself in seeing what others allow for me to see.  This infatuation came quickly and I'm not sure why I fell so quick or with her today.  Had I ever even spoken to her directly?  I'm not sure.

I don't really know what to make of it.  I know from experience though that this isn't love.  Though my heart my try to convince me otherwise, I must listen to my mind this time.  If it's something to pursue, we'll see, but right now it's important not to dwell on it.  My heart has had a heyday, thinking of the possibilities but I can't let it convince me.

Perhaps more on either of these two particular events at a later date.  We'll see.