Sunday, December 2, 2012

Hammers and Nails

So lately I've been in my head a lot.  And what I mean by that is that I have had a lot of negativity rolling around in my head and I can't seem to find a way to get it out.  It's like there is someone inside me trying to make me believe lies about myself.  How do I deal with that?

I've been taught to believe that alone I have no value, but when I am in relationship with God, I could not have more value.  Am I just getting stuck on the first part?  Or is it that I have been caught up in an obligatory love (which isn't love at all) for God?  I'm not sure exactly how to remedy this.  Sometimes when I'm driving, I find myself longing for someone next to me, someone to lock hands with.  This places weights on my heart and I don't feel fit to lift it from the depths.  I then feel that I am seeking fulfillment in something temporary, something that will just leave me with more holes than I started.

However, I know it will feel good.  The feeling just won't last.  So how do I escape that and look to the lasting Source of joy?

I can't take these infatuations.  They are foolishness.  They are empty and vacant with regards to love.  Though I feel that when sometimes when people see me, they see me with a "No Vacancy" sign.  That I just want to be with myself.  That I am a sufficient companion for me.  Still I know they know that of my self-depreciation.  So how can they see them both?  If they know I'm depreciating my value myself, why would they continue to hit the hammer with the nail?

Perhaps because I don't tell them of how bad I hurt.  And even in that, I feel that I talk about it too much.  That I come across as a constant whiner, and no one wants that.  That's what I've learned.  No one wants to be around someone who does nothing but complain and whine all the time.  But is it really whining?  I'm just trying to figure out who I am.  I'm trying to discover myself.  I'm looking in others to see me.  Why can't I look in myself to see me?  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I do in fact see glimpses of myself inside, but too much of what I see from myself may not even be me talking and it's lies.  It's someone trying to convince me that I'm worth less than nothing.

So where do I go?  Will someone pull these nails out of my head?  I've done enough hammering myself and encouraged too many people to help me hammer them in.  I've even been the hammer to others, which adds nails to my own head just thinking about it.

And here's where I say I'm sorry.

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