Thursday, December 13, 2012

"We are once in a lifetime alive"

"This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you've been torn"

Yes I'm still awake, though barely.  I've wanted to write on here but haven't felt I had the time.  I felt today would be a good day to do so though, considering it is 12/12/12.

And, as usual when I wait too long to post, the inspiration is mostly gone.

Here's part of what could have been, had I written earlier:

I've been learning quite a bit about myself lately.  I'm trying to not be so self-deprecating.  I'm trying to live with a humble confidence, though it seems like an oxymoron.  Listening to myself speak, I think I have become very cerebral lately.  I think a lot within my ears and that makes for a lot of writing motivation with feeling.

Perhaps it is because I have been with myself a lot, that I get stuck inside my head.  And the fact that I also have had more opportunities lately to spend time with others and have taken advantage of them.  And I'm honest.  I speak what I'm feeling.  Most of the time.  So rather than just being stuck inside my head, I am sharing these thoughts that I've developed in my time alone and am learning to understand them better.  I'm learning to understand me better and even to be able to relate with others better.

There are also times (many times!) when I catch my heart dreaming.  I feel it trying to act as my mind but my mind knows better.  Still, if I let my mind's guard down, even for a second, my heart thinks it has the upper hand, and perhaps sometimes it does.

I've also thought perhaps my brain works differently than others'.  I have to explain myself so many ways.  Why can't I get it right the first time?  Have I lost touch with humanity?  Have I traded "comfort" for community?  Though, of course I know that, in a way, my brain does work differently than others' because all of us are different.  There's no need to get frustrated about this.  I can learn to live in community.

But community shall not be an idol for me.  At least, I hope not.  I do not wish for community for community's sake.  I wish for community so that I may better serve the Lord.  So that I may be a more effective servant.

I want to say more, but my mind has been tired for several hours now and it's been a long night as it is.  I also feel that what I've said here will suffice for now.

"I'm still walking the line the leads me home alone.  All I know I've still got mountains to climb on my own."

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