Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Memories as companions and Infatuations as dreams

I walked down familiar roads today.  It was like walking through a time capsule.  Like I could see the people and the places as they had been in my life.  Where did the time go?  I saw memories of waiting at the bus stop and not even knowing if it would come or if we had missed it already.  I saw my friends and I reaching for the deck of a skateboard in the storm drain.  I saw memories of people putting forth effort to make me into a man when I was already becoming one in my own way.  I didn't need it to be forced upon me.  Manhood would find me, even if it's not in the form of how society typically sees it.

I wondered if becoming an adult was learning to be afraid.  Growing up there was little to fear except what seems to be legitimate fear-causing experiences.  Now, some things frighten us in ways that we couldn't imagine growing up.  Things we weren't concerned about, or we didn't have to come across.  Fearing what others think or what will happen to us.  Where do these fears come from, are they from so many experiences?

It was quite relaxing to walk alongside my memories.  It's not something I can do where I live.  Or the memories that keep me company where I live now are so recent.  They don't share the same nostalgia as the memories that befriended me today.

And then later in the day was  a sudden infatuation.  From whence did this come?  It was quite unexpected and my heart thought it was love, though I'm trying not to believe it.  I somehow got 20 seconds of courage and something happened.  But now I've trapped myself in seeing what others allow for me to see.  This infatuation came quickly and I'm not sure why I fell so quick or with her today.  Had I ever even spoken to her directly?  I'm not sure.

I don't really know what to make of it.  I know from experience though that this isn't love.  Though my heart my try to convince me otherwise, I must listen to my mind this time.  If it's something to pursue, we'll see, but right now it's important not to dwell on it.  My heart has had a heyday, thinking of the possibilities but I can't let it convince me.

Perhaps more on either of these two particular events at a later date.  We'll see.

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