Monday, August 4, 2014


I'm so broken here.  I'm not sure where to turn anymore.  I'm stuck like a fly on flypaper.  I'm abandoned like an orphan after a terrible storm.  I know that I've got it so good but inside I'm just breaking.  I don't want the attention of someone who thinks his world is all there is, though I'm struggling to find a way to make it in this life.  My motivation is often shot lately, there's so much to do and there is nothing.

And I want to be an effective man.  A productive social worker.  A trustworthy friend.  A reliable professional.

How did I get here?  I'm just stuck.  All I can do is sleep.  Well maybe I can fall down.  I can read.  I can do so much and yet I'm so stuck.  I want to finish the things before me so that I can have them all behind me.  Though at the same time I just want to be here.  Still, take me far away from here.  My friends don't seem like friends.  Anyone who makes an effort to talk to me, that is what it seems: a strenuous effort.  I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed.  I'm destroyed though I know that there is redemption.  I'm "fighting things that I can't see, like voices coming from the inside of me, like doing things if I hardly believe in them."

Lately I've felt like I've just been surviving.  It's hard to enjoy life when you're just trying to survive.  I'm just trying to make sure that I don't give into the voices inside my head telling me it's not worth it.  Telling me I don't have a chance.  Or just telling me that no one will really miss me.  I'm just a brick in the wall.  A feather in the pillow.  Life can go on without me.

I want to go back to being myself.  Why are the simplest of tasks a chore?  It just feels like exaggerated laziness, but it feels like it's the result of loneliness.  When people do make an effort to include me it rarely feels sincere.  I want someone to pick me up from this dry ground.  Or I just want someone to lay here with me in this desert.  I don't want someone to throw me a life raft.  I don't want  someone to lay here who doesn't want to be here.  I don't want to be awake if being asleep feels more real than any reality I've been experiencing lately.

My dreams seem to be the only reality I enjoy.  How do I get out of here?  I'm stuck in a hole that is invisible.  I want to be whole again.  Was I ever whole?  Help is the word that keeps coming back.  I don't know how you can but I know that I need it.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure of much of anything anymore.

I'm trying...
but living is so hard.

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