Saturday, August 23, 2014

Let's Think Some More

Sometimes the world sickens me.  I see so much that's going on around me and it just makes me upset.  People killing each other without giving others a chance.  People putting words in others' mouths to upset a generation around them.  What is this world coming to?

Sure, it's not that the world is in a state of madness that it hasn't been in before, but really?  Who would want to bring a child into this world?  My second thoughts are having second thoughts.  What is worth living for anymore?  Some videos, pictures, and stories travel around the globe with people's "faith in humanity restored" and while some of them can be inspiring, some of them seem to be downright foolish.

I'm sorry.  I'm trying to find who I am lately and it's really quite difficult.  It's so much easier to live through the lives of others.  To live vicariously through causes, acts of kindness, and standing on a soapbox.  Truly getting to know oneself is scary.  Sure, it can be encouraging, eye-opening, and bring about a sense of relief, but it's pretty intimidating as well.  I don't know who I am outside of trying to help others.  Outside of reaching out to others and encouraging them to reach their full potential.  Why can't I empower myself?

I don't want to be another megaphone in the crowd shouting for attention, even if it's for someone else.  Well, I take that back, if it is for someone else I am open to it.  I'm not okay with who I've become.  Sitting inside all day hoping that something good will happen.  Driving by the cardboard signs while I my music fills my ears, guilt fills my heart, and a breeze hits my face.  I'm not okay with who I am.  I sit around and do nothing because there is so much that needs solving and I'm incompetent.  Sure, my brain may be filled with books and abstract concepts, but what good does that do me?  After all, "faith without deeds is dead."

Maybe that's part of the reason why I feel so lifeless.  Who is on my side?  I know I've got a team but I want to us to be together.  I'm not looking for a wife but it sometimes seems like that's all I do.  What is my society teaching me?  What am I letting it?  Why do I let it in?  I must give others permission to enter into my brain.  Really?  Is that always the case?  Am I suffering from trauma that I don't recall.  It sure feels like it.  What is this life really?  I'm just a bedsore on a broken leg.  I might as well be.  What does it matter really.  You're not reading this and if you are, you're probably more confused than I am.  The world is falling apart and everyone knows it.

I'm just a soft-spoken loud speaker with nothing important to say.  Some days my heart aches and I need to get it out and I can't.  Some days my heart aches and I need to release the pressure and I can.  Some days I'm broken.  Some days I'm restored.  Or no really I'm "an already but not yet resurrected fallen man."

I don't know anymore.  Someone come take this noose from my neck.  I'm slowly drowning and I'm not sure where to go anymore.  Don't worry about me.  Come fight with me.  Don't fight.  Just listen to the words the world is speaking.  Don't let them change.  Don't even let me change you.  Something has to come from within.  When people put up walls separate you from another group, don't believe them.  We're all from the same mother.  You don't have to conform.  You don't have to follow the path that doesn't bring you life.  It's okay to make your own path.

Welcome to the world.

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