Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What am I avoiding? and what's the primary emotion?

I need rest.
Some days I need rest.
All days I need rest.

Some days the rest of my rest is not restful.
Some days I'm avoiding my job.
my duties.
my emotions.

I need a place to express myself.  I need someone following me around.
a blank canvas and paint.
open ears.

I'm okay and my heart is sinking.
And all I can think of is what I'm lacking.
What am I doing here?
Who am I benefiting?
Do the ends justify the means?
do they justify the needs?

Am I as judgmental as I think I am?
Can I give myself credit in more ways than one?
Am I just speaking politically around some so as to appear more together?
And what of the times when everything inside is tearing me apart and tense?
What then?

What of the time when there is no one else around?
There will not always be someone else.
I cannot define myself in someone else.
Do I take full advantage of the time we have together?

Back to the neediness.

Why can't I just be content?
I ruminate on emotions
and distortions
and perceptions
and my life runs off on tangents.

This is me trying to make sense of it all
without having someone vocal.
When I'm typing on a public forum
my voice sounds different.

When I'm speaking from a place of
sought understanding
my voice is well known.

I'm seeking to understand
and I don't allow others the patience
to follow me while I try
to find the right thought.

I tend to think out loud
because when I think to myself
I tend to destroy the one listening.
I overthink.
Into my thoughts I sink.

So was this even helpful?
was it worth it?
Do you see how I can be confusing?
how I'm confused?

It's these soft sciences that are so hard to define.
It's these secondary and tertiary emotions that don't easily rhyme.

I'm a mess and working on it.
I'm a mess and that's okay.

We'll get there.
           And who are we?

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