Yesterday's Remains

It started with a virus.  It started simply enough.  Surely we can recover from this eventually.

Remember when this normal was "new"?  Remember when the world did not revolve around you?  There has to be something here.  A purpose?  A tangent?  A discourse?

Yesterday the words were here and I fell asleep or exhausted my creativity elsewhere.  I guess I'm still there.

Can't You See It's Raining?

Like an addict in a torrent plugging holes in the attic.  I'm doing everything to keep the real me from understanding who I am.  My ego takes fear and dresses it in love to keep me in the dark.  It flips the switch on or lights a flickering match in this darkness in an effort to deceive me for even five more minutes.  My ego is the best at hiding its true intentions.  It does not wish for me to see beyond the crack in the door where the light is.

Plugging holes gets monotonous really fast.  I can move from one room to the next, one couch to the next, but there is little difference.  What about community?  What happened?  How did I leave it all behind?  How did I leave you all behind?  Escaping into the shadows doesn't feel like the quick abduction by a phantom.  It's a slow and winding path where the light gradually fades.  So gradual is the disappearance that it feels more the exciting acts of positive rebellion.

Is that what all of this is?  Is it my ego hiding me from the truth?  Or perhaps even this is one of its strategies to push me further.

I need to get to know myself more.  Who can start me on this journey?  I want to see who it is writing this and to have a conversation with him.  Where do I start?  How can I meet him?  Does anyone know how to contact him or where to begin these conversations that seem to have to begin within?  Within what?  Within who?  Within how?

The Muses Reaching

We etch our emotions in digital concrete and still we wonder why we speak through so many filters.  Is it any wonder why so many of us are hesitant to truly speak our minds when our former presents stain what would have been our futures with scarlet letters?

We long for transparency, intimacy, and authenticity and then turn quickly to slap another's cheek.  How can we escape this potent cycle of polarities and opposites?  Who will be the light to guide us in this dark tunnel vision?  Is there anything echoing in these chambers aside from confirmation bias and the synonyms and metaphors for that we allow in?  When we lose the key to the outside world, how do we expose ourselves to diversity and difference?

The Limits of Language

Life is perception.  Sharing perception is communication.  Explaining communication is description.  Analyzing description is interpretation.  Understanding interpretation creates definition.

And the limits to definition may create misconception.  Language is limiting.  Yes, language is powerful and to some extent it is what separates the humans from other animals.  However, language, art, and other forms of expression are all incomplete.  Have you thought about how although we may try to "fully" describe something, it can still allude us.  For example, how does one describe the color cerulean blue to a person who has been blind their entire life?  Another example, can someone write a poem, paint a picture, or even sing a song that will make a stranger fall in love?

No, and infatuation is not love.  Can someone remind me of that?  That infatuation is not love.  I'm falling for feelings and at the same time I'm falling apart.  There are parts of me that remain intact but like a lot of people right now I am so craving community, social interaction, or just the right people to respond or say something, anything.

Life lately is Groundhog Day.  Everything's the same and all my efforts to change it go unnoticed or they fall on deaf ears.  I want to step outside myself and see who I am or how they see me but my skin fits too tightly.  I can't leave this place.  Yes, it's physical distancing, not social isolation, and yes we live in an age where technology allows us to remain connected although we are apart.  But this isn't connection.

Where does my heart find these strings I thought I cut long ago?  Who is leading it to long-forgotten dumpsters?  Why does infatuation keep finding me?  How do all these chains know what it takes to bind me?  When will I learn to step out of my own prison that confines me?

Who is this behind me?  Maybe she's somewhere inside me.  I cannot escape the alliance inside me.  No one will enter into these shadows if I do not invite them.  And the ones I invite are those who are so far that my words never reach them.  Emotionally unavailable.  Why do I fall?  Why can't I stand still and be content?  Will there be a moment that this all makes sense?  How do I say "yes" to today, push the past back where it came from, and let the future embrace me in its time?

No, it's not likely you can understand me, and no I'm not trying to step above you or complicate me.  I'm just leaving here what it's inside me.  I need it to escape.  Somehow.  I need to escape.  Somehow I need to reveal what's inside me.  I need something beyond wires and cables, doors with windows, and animals in cages.  I am beside me but my skin is woven too tightly for me to find me.  I cannot find solace in hollow words; you must know that by now.  Words do not define me.

Every definition is limited.  Why are there multiple definitions?  Because definition is perception.  And perception is left up to interpretation.

Maybe one day this will all make sense.
Maybe some day I will have a revelation.
Perhaps soon shall arrive a sense of realization.

Living in the Hallway

To all the world living in the hallway these days,

I think all of my life up to this time has prepared me for this moment.  I think it is moments like this that I am most qualified for.  I have lived in the hallway for many days, if not years, of my life.  The hallway is a strange place to be in, but we must not forget that it too holds importance.

Just like any other room in the house of life, the hallway is in fact a place.  Many times when we are in-between things (a job, relationship, moments of certainty or clarity, etc.) it can be difficult to focus on the here and now.  I especially find this difficult.  I'm not completely certain as to why this is so often the case for me, but I believe it has something to do with my understanding (or perhaps view) of time.

Oftentimes, I find myself in a place of longing.  Longing to be be through with a situation, hoping to be in a better place, whether emotionally, mentally, physically, or otherwise, or perhaps it is reflecting back on a past version of myself with rose-colored glasses.  A number of years ago, someone shared with me her view of these moments as "living in the hallway of life" and it really resonated with me.

You see, when we are so intently focused nostalgias of the past or dreams of the future, we can often miss the present life that is occurring around us every moment.  I do not think that this feeling represents that of the minority, particularly in times of uncertainty such as the current international pandemic.

Professionals working in the helping field like myself will be very familiar with the term mindfulness.  In the last few years, mindfulness has been a buzz word that has been tossed around to refer to practices such as coloring mandalas, practicing meditation, and deep breathing, among countless others.  It is my view that there is a correlation between the recent emergence of mindful practices and much of society's "need" for distraction.

With all of this in mind (no pun intended), I would like to humbly offer my own brief suggestion.  Before doing so, I must confess that although my life has been composed of innumerable hallway moments, I do not always succeed in embracing the hallway.  So, to those of us finding ourselves living in one of life's hallway moments, may I offer a simple, though perhaps profound, piece of advice:

Look around you and recognize that life is happening today.

Yes, it is true that life happened yesterday, and of course, for many of us there will be life to live in 40 seconds, two hours, seven days, and maybe even 19 years.  However, life is happening today.  It's going on right now.  Whether we choose to admit it or not, life is every moment, and every moment we are breathing is life.  It could be argued that even when we hold our breath life continues, but I will not slide down that rabbit hole at this time.

In the end, all I am trying to say is that I hope that you (and I) can find ways to embrace the life going on at this very moment and resist the temptation to see it as something going on around us.  We are not Saturn with life as our rings waiting for us to jump on board.  Those rings are dusty, and so is a life lived waiting for the living to happen.  There are moments in life that will feel monotonous, boring, and perhaps a sense of being stuck, however let us choose to embrace those moments as they come to us and as they are.

Do We Need Politics?

Can there be law (and order) without politics?  It sure seems there could be some greater sense of order without it all.  By that I mean it's pretty easy to imagine people actually getting along instead of just sitting around arguing all the time if politics were somehow eliminated from the scene.  How could a republic function without politics?  Or is it even possible?

It seems like a place without politics would have to be a location free from opinion.  For aren't opinion and differences of perspective the parents of politics?  If everyone agreed on everything what would be the need for politics (if any)?  I feel that I grew up largely in a blind bubble when it comes politics.  Now, mind you, this bubble is not a place where politics was nonexistent.  Rather, my eyes were closed to politics and its effects both in my life and the community.  It is strange to consider that reality today, but at this moment I believe that it is true.

Yes, politics stem from differences of opinion and perspective, but why are politics necessary in this 21st Century world?  I understand the necessity and value of varied perspectives and a wide spectrum of tastes and interests, but politics, is that something we need?  Maybe there is a different system that could work more effectively and efficiently.  Perhaps something like a balanced system that swings like a pendulum when necessary.  Maybe I'm a romantic idealist in all of this or maybe this is none of my business to discuss.

On a someone tangential note, has anyone every truly considered the phrase (title?) "leader of the free world"?  I think it's rather interesting that we (the United States) consider the US President the "leader of the free world."  This has nothing to do with the current individual holding the office, but rather the sentiment behind a statement in which a supposedly democratically elected person is the leader of all free people.  I know it is a rather generalized statement, however has anyone considered that rather than the elected official being considered the leader of the free world, perhaps it is the constituents that ought to be considered the collective leader(s) of the free world?

With this thought in mind, I assert that the constituents in mind would be not only those of the United States of America, but all voting eligible people throughout the world.  After all, democracy is meant to be for the people and by the people, is it not?  I understand that the US is seen as the great democratic experiment, but it is not even the largest democratic nation.  I also grant that the United States exercises a profound amount of influence on the geopolitical stage, however how often do we consider why this is?  Is it because it is the present empire at the peak, the proverbial puppet master at this time in human history?

Who is to say that in 50 years time the president of China or its people won't be considered the new "leader of the free world"?  I recognize that the previous statement may hold a lot of weight for many people for numerous reasons.  To consider the leader of a Communist (or Socialist really) nation a leader of the free world may be big stretch for some when considering countless crimes against humanity the Chinese government is likely guilty of.  However, can't the same be said of the United States?  The US has climbed has not climbed the power ladder like an innocent child on the slide down at the local park.

Just some thoughts I had to release tonight as the new normal is baking behind the scenes, in the public eye, and quarantined with its family for who knows how many more days.

Some Sort of Fear

I want to write you a story but I'm afraid I'm not ready for it yet.  I'm afraid I don't have all the details to explain it.  And yet, I'm also afraid that if I don't get it down now that I will soon forget it, as I have so many times before.

I'm afraid of getting all the specifics wrong or not being able to round the sharp edges in the right spots and leave the biting language in others.  Despite all the shoes and glasses on my shelves, I still feel lonely.  Something stokes a fear in me, telling me I have to appeal to all the greater audiences.  Something says, "You must write so that those with eyes and feet on their shelves will listen to you too," though I can't tell you for sure where it comes from.

These fears are like those establishments lately: one party largely won't contradict the demagogue because it's too late to turn back now, while the other seems to fear becoming the new target if they listen to the people's voice.  It's hard to fully understand how we got to this reality tv show that we've got ourselves into.  I don't like living in a world of polarities and increasingly fractured factions.  Sure this was what our forefathers feared.

Somehow writing feels like action in some small way.  Perhaps that is the appeal to these tweeters and internet trolls.  Maybe they feel they can really change things (or at least the way people think - and that does change a lot, doesn't it?).  I don't know.  I just feel that I can't sit by on the sidelines much longer while the world burns hotter and tensions increasingly rise.

I stay inside and try on others' glasses or put on the shoe of someone who came before and it doesn't feel like enough.  I read seeking community all the while knowing that when I remove my lenses, I will return to my own lonely state.  I am in good company with a good book, but as I set the pages down I am left with just my mind and a chasm filled with new thoughts to share with no one.  I have sometimes considered anonymity as an option so as to teach myself how I really think or to remove the fear of direct attack, a whistleblower of sorts, but those same fears seem to talk me out of it all.

I don't know.  These words keep coming from somewhere.  Maybe the genius or the muse beside me is fed up with all the silence from the nobility lately.  Or maybe it's time for the loud minority to be shut up again.  The problem (or one of them at least) is that I have no desire to close anyone's door.  We all have a right to speak, free speech right?  Am I naive to believe that even those that are doing so much damage to this world must be given their time?  Or am I increasing their volume by not adding my voice to the conversation?

I don't know how to move forward.  Many times I feel that is because i need a push.  I blame everything under the sun for my own inaction, but I still do nothing about it.  How do I ask for a gentle (though firm) push in the way of progress?  Or maybe more appropriate, who do I ask?  There must be trust in the dialogue or it will go nowhere (see again: inaction).  I don't know.  Maybe I'm alone in all of this and the feelings will pass.  I just hope I'm not leaving others behind in my personal neglect of valuable resources.