I've felt more human this evening than in prior days, or maybe months, or perhaps years. It's something about who I am and who I want to be. I'm hoping desperately for a change of pace, or more accurately, a change of place. I want to be somewhere else but something inside keeps pointing me back here. Something about sacrifices and Israel's desire for a king when the true King is already present.
Something I thought about earlier is the styling of some of my doodles lately. I found myself using more rigid lines and focusing more on coloring in spaces than creating freeform figures and shapes. That is contrary to what I've typically done, which has been more flowing and emotive characters
and forms and I think I know why. I think that when there's little to no structure here in my daily life I strive for at least some sort of inkling of it. Conversely, when I am in a meeting that may be full of ethics, expectations, boundaries, and barriers, my mind needs somewhere to escape to.
Call it a symptom of my humanity. Call it creativity's necessary motive. Whatever it is, I think I'm onto something here. Like a couple of years ago when I was pondering the thoughts around focusing on the most minute details and zooming out in order to see the faraway spaces. I think that life is made up of the moments in between these extremes. Sure, there are things that are black or blue, red or green, round or square. However, I think the majority of life is found in the in-between and outside the lines.
You see, back when I was in college I took a class called Beyond Dichotomies and I'm not too sure where my mind was in that time, but I think I'm beginning to understand the reasons why such classes are in place. The world is not just binary code. There is more to life than zeroes and ones. Maybe in those first few months of school I was so caught up in the adventure of being left to my own devices.
Now that some time has passed, I have had ample time to reflect on my experiences and begin understand more of myself and the world around me. How we're all a part of each other yet we're not the same. How the more things change, the more they stay the same. How the constant changing weather is a constant commonality in almost any location.
I guess gist of what I'm saying here (or well part of it at least) is that I'm really doing okay lately. It may just be for a moment, but what is life but a collection of passing moments in the end? Clouds may grow darker and larger in the sky tomorrow, but tonight I have moonlight giving me the perfect backdrop. I haven't found the indisputable meaning of life and I don't claim as such. I'm just letting you know that once I got up and actually left the apartment for a little bit today, things seemed different in a way that life used to feel.