Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Every crack is big when you've only one road to travel

All of my life is a once in a lifetime opportunity, though I don't live it as such.  Everyday is new and I can't get one second back.  I don't live as one who seizes days and moments.  I feel more like someone who's sleepwalking through life.  I look back on what was and wish for it to be again.  I look back on the past and remember greener grass than there was.  Maybe if I could go back there it would all be better, I think to myself but know it's just a wandering thought.  None of it will be the same.  I'm not assertive enough to say anything to anyone.  I want to live my life today but I need someone to wake me up.  It's too comfortable here.  I'm getting sick of this comfort.  Everyone just feels so safe.  I want to take my seatbelt off but I'm afraid I'll get in an accident.

Others encourage me to think things through and so I do and then I think too much.  I think it's better to be safe than sorry but now that I'm safe I feel sorry for myself.  I feel useless in this restless nightmare.  Can I wait two years and then wake up?  In the meantime what am I doing?  I want to live.  I want to find my true passion and feel like where I am is either pushing me further from it or keeping me stuck in wet concrete.  Why did I ever leave a good thing?  It felt so much better when it felt temporary.  Was that even it?  Or was it that I had a good feeling about the newness of the situation or the exotic nature of the place?  Here it's just concrete and potholes.  It's not even a concrete jungle.  To swing from one building to the next is too great a gap.  The humidity wears me down.

The sun beats down on me and it's nearly November.  Many people are friendly but they seem to all know each other or have a mission themselves.  So I just wander aimlessly with nothing.  I think it's better to sleep than to realize how lonely I am.  I sleep all weekend and most of the night because I feel like that's what my life is otherwise.  Sure, I could travel back to old joys and once upon a time friends but it wouldn't be the same as my mind's tricks.  People don't flock to me and likewise I do not flock to them.  I like to dance but only when I know people enough or if I know enough to forget myself for a time.  I feel like where I am, I don't have enough time to forget myself and so I dwell for so long on long-forgotten hiccups.  I know a little bit of what I enjoy but I have somewhat convinced myself that I must be with others to enjoy it.  What is going to happen to me?  What can I do?  Everything is just so temporary and I fall in every crack in the road.

The moon has become my closest friend.  She's glows for me a couple times a month, reminding me she's there.  I look to her for guidance but hear whispers from the trees, "She's just a reflection, you know.  The sun is where she gets her light."  I tell them I know but it just isn't the same.  The warmth from the sun just bears don't too hard on me.  When I want her warmth I'm stuck shivering inside and when sweat drips down my forehead, she pours more onto my shoulders.  The moon directs me where to go. She points to the signs that say "Road Closed".  She lights the dark places.  The sun just hurts my eyes and drains me.  At least the signs tell me that they lead to nowhere.  The moon deceives me but I'm so quick to give in because everything else around is dark.  She's a light in the clouds.  She asks me to stay outside and walk with her a bit but I know I must sleep for tomorrow is an early morning.  "Why can't we play on a Saturday?" I ask her with a sigh.  She just grins and turns away, "Perhaps next week I'll try."

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