Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Darker Clouds Than Rain

Have you ever had so much going on in your life that you wish you could just zap yourself away for a day or two?  Do you ever feel like all of your downtime is more up time than you wish?  Do you long to relax and then once you get to a quiet place, find that it's not the world that was loud, but it's your mind spinning circles?

Welcome to my life.  The last couple of years (and especially the last few months) have been out of the ordinary.  I would say extraordinary, but that would imply that they were superb.  While they have not been particular bad for any sort of circumstance or situation in my life, they have been largely dull and empty.  I have found myself sleeping away the prime of my life while other people continue to thrive.  I'm often not satisfied with my life but feel confined to my situation.  I'm stuck in invisible chains.

Most of me can't wait to leave Texas, though there is a rational side of me that says when I leave Texas I will not leave my problems.  I cannot set my mind free in Texas while my heart escapes to Colorado; life doesn't work that way.

I am blowing things out of proportion.  I don't let myself feel or I tell myself I've got to be stronger though I know I am weak.  I am weak and without motivation.  It's a miserable combination.  I've got pockets full of empty envelopes with letters I've almost written.  I can't escape myself and let someone else live for me even for a minute.  That's what I would really enjoy.  Just give me some time away from myself.  Some time to be who I want to be.  But who do I want to be?  Who am I really?

I don't like excessive exaggeration that exists only to embellish a story.  I take things literally even when others don't.  I read into things and extract meaning from "hidden" messages that may not even exist.  I judge others by my own unbalanced standard and expect them to be better, all the while knowing that none of us can reach that standard of perfection.  I want to be free but am told that I already am.  Why doesn't it feel that way?  Do the people who are on the wide road know it ?  Is this what it feels like?

When I fall asleep at night am I tucking myself into my deathbed?

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