I need a shove in the right direction.
There are things that I really want to do. I have dreams like the rest, but I also don't want to step on toes or put a muzzle on mouths. I try reflect people's personalities. I try to love people where they are. It's hard to have to pay attention to everything I say. I think that's why I think to much. I want to show everyone they're loved so I try so hard to be conscious of what I say. And I do that because I feel that too often I say things that hurt people. So I try to be better about that. How can I love if I'm just observing? Am I just observing?
I am not outside of time. I can't sit back while the world and time passes by. I am an active part of this scene but perhaps I am too slow. Perhaps I'm a computer with too much to process. Everything is going on at once, or maybe not even that, and I take too long to consider my options. Some things are about taking risks. I need to take risks, real risks, not always calculated risks.
But I don't know where to start. This desire for safety binds me. Then I can't move because I've trapped myself inside. And instead of not being able to talk, this time it's a lack of confidence. I hear it in my head and exiting my mouth often but how do I change it but by "faking it until I make it." Though I'm not completely comfortable with that. I don't want to be dishonest. One of the problems is I feel too much like I'm faking it when I try that, or that people sense my "faking it." I'm too concerned with what other people think. Where do I go with this?
My life is too calculated. I'm a computer that's still processing. How will I ever be able to help anyone? I'm too concerned with the way people see me. At the same time I want so badly to be known, so I open up to nearly everyone. I'm trying to maintain this life in the professional world with just enough of my own personality. Can I be myself? What am I holding back? Why am I so concerned with the rules and staying within their parameters and not embarrassing myself? Though, at the same time I embarrass myself often. I think it's the unexpected embarrassment of myself that I don't like. I can't control it. I am afraid of what people will think if I'm myself and not who I should be.
But who is the "who" that I "should be?" Dividing myself in half to make everyone happy so that I will be content. It doesn't bring contentment. I am not two different people, though sometimes it seems like more!
Does learning more help or does it fill my analysis paralysis with more potential guilt?