Monday, October 29, 2012

I'm sick of just observing

I need a shove in the right direction.
Do I?

There are things that I really want to do.  I have dreams like the rest, but I also don't want to step on toes or put a muzzle on mouths.  I try reflect people's personalities.  I try to love people where they are.  It's hard to have to pay attention to everything I say.  I think that's why I think to much.  I want to show everyone they're loved so I try so hard to be conscious of what I say.  And I do that because I feel that too often I say things that hurt people.  So I try to be better about that.  How can I love if I'm just observing?  Am I just observing?

I am not outside of time.  I can't sit back while the world and time passes by.  I am an active part of this scene but perhaps I am too slow.  Perhaps I'm a computer with too much to process.  Everything is going on at once, or maybe not even that, and I take too long to consider my options.  Some things are about taking risks.  I need to take risks, real risks, not always calculated risks.

But I don't know where to start.  This desire for safety binds me.  Then I can't move because I've trapped myself inside.  And instead of not being able to talk, this time it's a lack of confidence.  I hear it in my head and exiting my mouth often but how do I change it but by "faking it until I make it."  Though I'm not completely comfortable with that.  I don't want to be dishonest.  One of the problems is I feel too much like I'm faking it when I try that, or that people sense my "faking it."  I'm too concerned with what other people think.  Where do I go with this?

My life is too calculated.  I'm a computer that's still processing.  How will I ever be able to help anyone?  I'm too concerned with the way people see me.  At the same time I want so badly to be known, so I open up to nearly everyone.  I'm trying to maintain this life in the professional world with just enough of my own personality.  Can I be myself?  What am I holding back?  Why am I so concerned with the rules and staying within their parameters and not embarrassing myself?  Though, at the same time I embarrass myself often.  I think it's the unexpected embarrassment of myself that I don't like.  I can't control it.  I am afraid of what people will think if I'm myself and not who I should be.

But who is the "who" that I "should be?"  Dividing myself in half to make everyone happy so that I will be content.  It doesn't bring contentment.  I am not two different people, though sometimes it seems like more!

Does learning more help or does it fill my analysis paralysis with more potential guilt?

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