Sunday, October 14, 2012

Catching words like rain from a hole in the roof

Quick!  Before anymore words leave me in the form of little more than an invisible breeze!

I thought I loved you but it was infatuation.  Infatuation is for me is perhaps a feeling that I must realize more.  So often I think I "fall in love" with someone but that must be what it is.  Love is patient.  I can't fall that quickly.  Can I?  I don't think so...

I thought I fell and on paper it looks so good.  I thought about it more.  It seemed good.  It seemed legitimate, but now I don't feel it anymore.  I'm not bitter about that though.  I am actually glad that I don't feel it.  In the past few years or so I've tried to convince myself that I want to be friends with someone (many someones in fact) and just see where that goes.  That has meant that I am really hoping for a more intimate relationship.  Something I can't get so quickly from humans.  An intimate relationship will not be established in a day.  It will not be established in a week.  In some cases, it may not even be established in a year.  We must endure a lot of time.  We must see people in different situations.

Like a friend I have.  When I first met her I'll admit I had a crush on her but that time wasn't right.  I was infatuated with her, though I barely knew her.  Over time I let it grow, when I had hoped the time was right.  That has happened at least a couple other times since then but now I feel so much better about it.  I don't feel like I have about past people, where I think, "perhaps this time it could be different."  No, I realize that I love this person without holding back.  I love her as a friend and have realized that that is something I can do.  It's possible to love a friend.  And we can be honest about that.  In fact, it is the being honest and open that has really helped us out, I believe.

Before, when I let my heart think things that my mind knew weren't true, I got myself in a bind.  Now though, we are beginning to understand each other.  She knows that my heart runs sprints and while my mind is a distance runner.  She knows to be clear with me and I am comfortable being clear with her.  Previously we had said things about that but now it's clearer.  Or perhaps now we're actually doing it; we're being honest with each other.

And that's just something that I wanted to say.  Some of the other words may have already evaporated, but this was helpful.

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