Perhaps now is as good a time as any. Or maybe the best time. The time when these thoughts are still near fresh on the frontal lobe of my mind.
I wonder, if I received news that my brain was deteriorating or my life would soon be fading, would it have meant anything? So often I get stuck living with a hope for another day. I think maybe I'll do better things when I have increased my knowledge. Or perhaps my life will feel more meaningful when I am surrounded by friends and family. But what about this life I live between walls? Has it any meaning? Has there been a purpose to it? Has it even had an impact on what's outside?
I feel like a hammer gathering dust in a shed. My handle shines new but feels worn instead. Rust is the cover of my entire head. The rest of me covered in a rarely disturbed red. I want to be used but I just sit on the shelf. I sit inside and hope for something to push me. How can I be pushed further if I'm standing against a solid wall?
It's like I've lost connection or perhaps the desire for it. But I know that I deeply desire it. What's happening inside me? Sometimes this just makes the interactions more difficult. I'm not sure who I've become. I'm lazier than when I would sleep away the days. I want something more but know that I have it all. Is it that I want outside my lot? I look around and see what I have and what I don't need. What's happened to the one who ran freely outside? Am I dreaming the wrong dreams? Am I just living for me?
Some days I feel desperate for something outside of me but I don't seek it. So can that be true desperation? Am I gasping for air? I want someone here. Without it, life gets boring. But how selfish can I be that I let myself slip into boredom while the world hungers without end? So I feel guilty and don't have a cure. Maybe because I'm looking to myself for it. Part of me believes a part of the cure can be to help others find theirs but I know that can't be all of it. Thinking that that is my only antidote will just start me working again. Working to achieve that which is unachievable by my own ability.
So I just want to sit under Your tree. The Tree that is You. I want to stay with You but I want so bad to be moving. To be living. To experience what life seems to be. Is it because I'm looking through Your branches? Because I'm looking to see the lives You've given others? Or perhaps part of it is that with these windows of technology people only allow me to see of them what they would like. So I imagine their lives are perfect, or something so nice, when really they're struggling just like me.
Could You maybe show me how lives can be boring? Or how to make this exciting? I want to explore what You've given me here. I want to use what You've given to the full extent. I feel that I'm just wasting it. I don't want to waste it. Please show me what to do with this life. Still, I know You're not a pop machine, so Your will be done. None of this is my choice or I would be dead and gone. I would like to know what my next steps are. Where I should go. What I should do. And I know You'll answer my questions, but who am I to ask You?
Still I can't help but feel You're working. Even here. Even now.