Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Just a Moment

I'm 22 for a moment. Just a moment though. The world passes by at the speed of life. As much as I wish I could, I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I'm just another broken piece in this imperfect world. I cannot escape that. There is no way. Nothing of my own doing will ever change that. It is only through grace and mercy and, ultimately, love that my circumstance will change.

I'm 22 for a moment. Yet sometimes these moments seem so long. Sometimes I long to fast-forward to the next period. The next moment. I sleep during the day and lie awake at night. The stars keep me company but the room is so cold.

I'm 22 for a moment. And that moment is going so fast. I look back and 18 is only a day away. Where did the last four years go? My life is moving and I'm trying to catch up. I'm trying to make the most of it. Or, I wish I was. There are so many days that I would like to have back. If that means that I could change them. Could do something about them. Sure, there are days that I'm glad I am through with, but my heart keeps beating and sometimes I would just like a pause.

I'm 22 for a moment. And more than 21 moments have passed me by with regret. More than a month has been wasted. Should that not inspire me to change? I guess it goes back to me being powerless to change myself.

I'm 22 for a moment. And there have been so many moments where I've been living for something else. Things not worthy of my time. Even noble things with the wrong motive. I have tried to convince myself that the reason I want a relationship is to reflect the relationship of the Triune God with Himself and with Man. But I am only deceiving myself. I pursue relationships to find identity. To find where I am, even who I am. This is not what they were meant for. No wonder I have not found that authentic relationship yet. I'm not seeking the Kingdom first. I've become a person who is only Kingdom-minded when it is convenient for me. I have lost the order of my priorities. My heart has deceived me. I have listened to my feelings rather than my Creator. Perhaps when I listen to what God has to say to me I will better understand these feelings I have. Maybe He'll let me have a relationship. But I cannot be pursuing that with my heart and my life as I have been. That is only messing with my mind and pushing away authentic time with the One who made me from scratch.

I'm 22 for a moment. And I can't let that moment pass me by. I can't let my heart forget how to fly.

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