Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Living Inside Memory Making

Who doesn't want a soundtrack for their life?

I've somehow found that in a way my life does have a soundtrack.  I can listen to a song and be transported back to a particular moment, or multiple moments in some cases, in time.  I'll hear a song and the movie in my mind plays back to where I was, who I was, what life was like.  Perhaps even more interesting is the fact that I feel those moments being made in my life lately.  This is particularly interesting because I usually find that the memories that make up my past aren't really ones that I get to choose.  Why does my mind remember some specific details about things that seem to amount to nothing and forget the name of a person I just met?

My mind appears to currently be making memories around Mumford and Sons' latest release (Wilder Mind), which came out a week ago today.  What a time to get to remember (if my mind does in fact let me do so)!  From a week of uncertainty and neck pain-inducing stress to sudden smiles and a near "high" of walking at graduation.  From tears on the phone and just wanting to be home to smiling as the rain falls and I play Solitaire alone in my room in the afternoon.  From resentment and frustration at not getting my first choice of internship to being showing gratification to the field office for working with me in the process and having the opportunity to finish graduation requirements before I would have even started.  From immobile to involuntary smiling.  Dragging my feet and scared of an impending depressive episode to finding life in some of the simplest conversations and interactions.

I'm living again..though I always was.  Now it feels worth it.  I can see through the windows on the doors and the sunlight is a little clearer.

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