Tuesday, February 3, 2015


Dear "Life's not Fair,"

I know.  I'm trying my best.  I can't change what you think of me and I can't put my thoughts in your mind.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm trying my best and then I just get pushed back down.  "We're working with you.  We're trying to help you.  We're just getting a lot of pushback," they say.

So how do I show them that I'm trying my best.  I'm trying to be transparent and show them where I need guidance.  I'm trying to open myself up to them and then I get stabbed.  I don't want to be overdramatic but I just feel so hurt and that I'm not being heard.  Maybe my values are different, maybe I'm biased, but I'm trying.  I can't so easily untie my values that feel so naturally attached to my being.

I know I'm supposed to be objective.  I know I'm not supposed to bring up my own issues with others and so I'm trying.  We all have our biases, right?  Sure, most people learn to control them.  I thought I've been taught that we're supposed to acknowledge them and then work to overcome them as best we can.  I'm trying.  I understand it's not anyone else's job but my own to correct any destructive or biased thinking, but then how do I go about doing that if I can't be transparent with regard to what is impacting me.

It's not that I'm not willing to adjust my values to be better equipped to help.  Perhaps it's that I haven't seen an example that relates closely enough with what I'm trying to do.  I can watch people do things differently from me all day but I don't know if our motivations are coming from the same place.  If they ask me to adjust my values so that I can be more objective, I need help finding out what that looks like.  Granted, I've had numerous examples of what it can look like to be present with someone else in crisis.  However, how do I adjust my adjust values that are so closely tied with my motives behind serving in the first place?

If I cannot be myself in this work and you're asking me to be someone else, how do I reconcile the two?  How do I find a place where I can be transparent with others with the fact that I may not agree with them not be pushed to lean toward suggesting a difference of opinion?

Yes, I know that the key is to remove myself from the situation.  It is not me, who I am seeing.  There is someone in front of me.  Someone on the other side.  That person is just hoping to have someone listen to her.  I can't bring my own issues into an already complicated life circumstance.  The thing is though, I'm human.  Whether I acknowledge that I am bringing my own biases into a conversation or not, it's happening.  The same thing goes for my values.

Therefore, rather than trying to pretend that I am not impacted by the work that I do, I strive to be transparent.  I seek to be authentic.  I am a very open person and to limit what I can and can't say to others can be a difficult challenge.  It is not my desire to have my values or the limitations of my biases be forced upon another person. On the contrary, I seek a true awareness of them both and how they impact my life.  From there, I hope that this will make me a more empathic person, willing to work with people no matter who they identify as.

  "I too am not perfect."

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