Dear "Life's not Fair,"
I know. I'm trying my best. I can't change what you think of me and I can't put my thoughts in your mind. Sometimes I just feel like I'm trying my best and then I just get pushed back down. "We're working with you. We're trying to help you. We're just getting a lot of pushback," they say.
So how do I show them that I'm trying my best. I'm trying to be transparent and show them where I need guidance. I'm trying to open myself up to them and then I get stabbed. I don't want to be overdramatic but I just feel so hurt and that I'm not being heard. Maybe my values are different, maybe I'm biased, but I'm trying. I can't so easily untie my values that feel so naturally attached to my being.
I know I'm supposed to be objective. I know I'm not supposed to bring up my own issues with others and so I'm trying. We all have our biases, right? Sure, most people learn to control them. I thought I've been taught that we're supposed to acknowledge them and then work to overcome them as best we can. I'm trying. I understand it's not anyone else's job but my own to correct any destructive or biased thinking, but then how do I go about doing that if I can't be transparent with regard to what is impacting me.
It's not that I'm not willing to adjust my values to be better equipped to help. Perhaps it's that I haven't seen an example that relates closely enough with what I'm trying to do. I can watch people do things differently from me all day but I don't know if our motivations are coming from the same place. If they ask me to adjust my values so that I can be more objective, I need help finding out what that looks like. Granted, I've had numerous examples of what it can look like to be present with someone else in crisis. However, how do I adjust my adjust values that are so closely tied with my motives behind serving in the first place?
If I cannot be myself in this work and you're asking me to be someone else, how do I reconcile the two? How do I find a place where I can be transparent with others with the fact that I may not agree with them not be pushed to lean toward suggesting a difference of opinion?
Yes, I know that the key is to remove myself from the situation. It is not me, who I am seeing. There is someone in front of me. Someone on the other side. That person is just hoping to have someone listen to her. I can't bring my own issues into an already complicated life circumstance. The thing is though, I'm human. Whether I acknowledge that I am bringing my own biases into a conversation or not, it's happening. The same thing goes for my values.
Therefore, rather than trying to pretend that I am not impacted by the work that I do, I strive to be transparent. I seek to be authentic. I am a very open person and to limit what I can and can't say to others can be a difficult challenge. It is not my desire to have my values or the limitations of my biases be forced upon another person. On the contrary, I seek a true awareness of them both and how they impact my life. From there, I hope that this will make me a more empathic person, willing to work with people no matter who they identify as.
"I too am not perfect."