Sunday, April 1, 2012

Satisfaction rather than emotional Attraction

April comes and with it showers. It is my hope that the showers will wash me over and perhaps even my mind will be clean of thoughts about you. I don't know how to live this life lately when I think about you so often. I'm hoping the showers will perform their given function, to water seeds of flowers. Weeds sprout up too but I'm hoping to pluck them from the root in order that they may be gone forever.

For those of you with a paperback copy of The Hunger Games nearby or enough dedication, my feelings may be described by paragraph 2 on page 112. This of course with a couple minor changes, one of name and another of sex (female rather than male). How is that for a "nerd" moment?

I can't tell you exactly how hard it is not to just send a quick text message of missing or to try and make public the feelings I spoke directly to you the other night. It's as if my heart thinks sharing with the rest of the world what I shared with you will somehow convince you that we can work it out. Forget the miles, forget the tasks at hand, the busyness of your agenda, and just allow my heart and yours to lock arms for a moment. What harm is there in that? Though, if it is not sincere I really think I would rather be here. Tricking my heart for a brief moment of satisfaction is not joy, it's deception.

Now it's time to seek satisfaction in not seeking anything but the only One that matters. Life is difficult. Love is too. Singleness is hard but waiting is worth it. Trust. Trust. Trust. Where else can I go? Escapism will only dig wider and deeper holes in this chest of mine. I must move forward and look upward. Looking back and too far ahead will only make this harder.

It's time to move on. You're out of sight but my mind's eye sees you. It's time to close that eye that seems to be rooted so deeply in my heart. A time off from emotional vision may do me good. Moving upstream may be difficult but if that is where the destination lies, it is worth the effort.

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