Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's Time to Live Awake

You are at once a reason for joy and sorrow. You give me hope that I will not have to compromise. You show me that perhaps, at times, I have compromised who I think she is. And you're not with me. It's a simple sorrow. A love you have for another. You're sincere. You're gentle. You're true. You're authentic. I want that. I want someone who is that. Then, I see you with yours. I know him too. I appreciate him too. I know you both are great (and at the same time no one is good). So it's hard to be saddened because I know you both are happy. I know he appreciates you. He knows he is fortunate to have you. That is what I would want.
I also want that for myself. Someone I can appreciate. Someone who I may not truly deserve.
But sometimes I find myself seeing that potential in so many. It's as if I want it so bad that I am willing to give my love to anyone. I know that it's true that I should love everyone. But I also just want to find that one. I want to know she is there. I have high hopes that she is. You may call me a hopeless romantic but I have a burning hope. Does that make me even more hopeless? Perhaps in some human eyes.
I know I should not envy. Envy has no place in this new life. So how do I wait? How do I live patiently? I know "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." (1 Corinthians 13:4) It's just, it's hard sometimes, and by sometimes I mean many times. I want to love. I want to show appreciation. I want someone to know me for who I am and how I can love. I know God is perfecting us. God has created us and is still creating us. We were not created for each other; we were made for Him, to serve Him. So I cannot spend my time wondering where she is or when I'll get to meet her, when I'll get to spend time with her, when I'll get to love her for who she is. I must focus on the time at hand. I must learn to live this sacrificial life. Life isn't my own. The day I was born I was given a gift, and that gift is my life. How can I just lay down and let days roll over me like an ink press? I was made for so much more than that! I was made to love, to serve, and to live. Do I do each of these three things on a daily basis? Not as often as I should.
My life is not my own, though I live it as such. All these years that I've grown, I've just wanted someone to touch. But that is not the point of life. Life is living. Living awake. Life is living each day brand new, because indeed it is brand new. How can I even think to live differently? It's time to live in and live out this gift that I was given, this life that I have. Why start tomorrow when today has just as much potential. Live. Love. Serve.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Sweet Kirby,
    Waiting is hard, but God does provide... case in point: your auntie Carol! Remember I didn't even meet Kirt until I was 29. I had many moments when I wondered what the future held for me. One thing you have that I didn't is a strong faith that God will provide for you each and every day... my faith was just a little seed pod compared to you.

    In the meantime, keep on living, serving and listening to God... and thanks for posting the song links! Loved them!
    love you!