My Vicarious Life

Some feelings lately:

"There's a voice in my head but it's not me."

"I think way too much on a one track mind."

"I don't know what else to do...Are You sure You want me?"

"You said, 'I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'...And You promise me that You believe in time I will defeat this 'cause somewhere in me there is strength...Reach out to me. Make my heart brand new."

"...I was positive that unless I got myself together I would watch me fall apart and I can't let that happen again...See that line? I never should have crossed it...It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back. And who I am will take the second chance You gave me."

"I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more. I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this. And I just pray that my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works...Any control I thought I had, just slips right through my hands, while my ever present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me. Then and there, I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness. Yet You love me and that consumes me. And I'll stand up again, and do so willingly. You give me hope and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart and when You do You make it light."

"And I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key."

"You're the only One who understands completely. You're the only One who knows me yet still loves completely....and through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again."

"...I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by. And what we take from this is what we'll get. And we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck. Strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up."

"I just fall apart 'cause that's my trademark. It's my trademark move to turn my back on You. It's my trademark move to realize I should improve. And sometime soon after that You'll see me come crawling back."

"Everybody makes mistakes, here's your lifeline"

"...even if your hope has burned with time. Anything that's dead shall be re-grown."

"Something's broken and seems unnatural."

"I'm not the one to admit it's helpless. I have a sense that we will be alright."

"...Keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load. I walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes."

"You make everything glorious and I am Yours. What does that make me?"

"Ever faithful, ever true. You, I know, You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go."

Just a Moment

I'm 22 for a moment. Just a moment though. The world passes by at the speed of life. As much as I wish I could, I cannot slow it down or speed it up. I'm just another broken piece in this imperfect world. I cannot escape that. There is no way. Nothing of my own doing will ever change that. It is only through grace and mercy and, ultimately, love that my circumstance will change.

I'm 22 for a moment. Yet sometimes these moments seem so long. Sometimes I long to fast-forward to the next period. The next moment. I sleep during the day and lie awake at night. The stars keep me company but the room is so cold.

I'm 22 for a moment. And that moment is going so fast. I look back and 18 is only a day away. Where did the last four years go? My life is moving and I'm trying to catch up. I'm trying to make the most of it. Or, I wish I was. There are so many days that I would like to have back. If that means that I could change them. Could do something about them. Sure, there are days that I'm glad I am through with, but my heart keeps beating and sometimes I would just like a pause.

I'm 22 for a moment. And more than 21 moments have passed me by with regret. More than a month has been wasted. Should that not inspire me to change? I guess it goes back to me being powerless to change myself.

I'm 22 for a moment. And there have been so many moments where I've been living for something else. Things not worthy of my time. Even noble things with the wrong motive. I have tried to convince myself that the reason I want a relationship is to reflect the relationship of the Triune God with Himself and with Man. But I am only deceiving myself. I pursue relationships to find identity. To find where I am, even who I am. This is not what they were meant for. No wonder I have not found that authentic relationship yet. I'm not seeking the Kingdom first. I've become a person who is only Kingdom-minded when it is convenient for me. I have lost the order of my priorities. My heart has deceived me. I have listened to my feelings rather than my Creator. Perhaps when I listen to what God has to say to me I will better understand these feelings I have. Maybe He'll let me have a relationship. But I cannot be pursuing that with my heart and my life as I have been. That is only messing with my mind and pushing away authentic time with the One who made me from scratch.

I'm 22 for a moment. And I can't let that moment pass me by. I can't let my heart forget how to fly.

Just Let Go

Hello there. I've got a few feelings worth sharing lately but I'm also quite tired. I'll just go into one of them this time. Recently I was listening to my iPod on shuffle and a song came up that I felt really pertains to one of my current situations. The song is called "Just Let Go" and it's by the band Mae. Something interesting about the fact that this song is describing my situation now is that I believe it did the same around the start of my college career. I remember there was a period where I listened to it for a while, which is usually because I can relate to the words spoken in it. So it is as if I have come full circle here in college. Situations have changed and I would say many can see that I have as well. But somehow I have come back to this song, or rather it has returned to lay in the lap of my ears once again. This time listening to it, I hear it as a duet. The duet allows it to make more sense for me now. So I am going to put the lyrics here in the way that I hear it. B (for boy) will be me, G (for girl) will be her, and T (for together) will both of us.

B: We've got all night just to make it alright. Would you take a walk with me? I'll give you all I've got just spare me your time and I promise you won't want to leave.

G: Are you, are you falling for me?

B: (thinking to himself) This time we'll find what we both need.

B: There's an old oak tree, we can swing and sway, we'll lock arms and legs. You're so far away. When I look at you, you're so far away, I'm so far away.

G: Oh if you could just let go.

B: Wet your eyes with me just for a while. I'll take you out of harm's way. And like these branches that shelter the rain we can lay here in our own shade.

G: Are you, are you falling for me?

B: Just watch, the two of us will see. There's an old oak tree, we can swing and sway, we'll lock arms and legs. You're so far away. When I look at you, you're so far away. I'm so far away. There is so much that I could give to you, just say you want me to. I know these roots could break the ground. And in the meantime our leaves will turn. But rest assured, we'll get through anything.

T: Are you, are you falling for me?

B: Like I, oh I'm falling for you. There's an old oak tree, we can swing and sway, we'll lock arms and legs. You're so far away. It's just you and me. We can get away. We can get away.

G: You're so far away.

B: (thinking to himself) In this lover's play we are happy here, oh in every way. Oh, and then we just let go.

G: Just let go.

B: (to himself) Just let go.

T: Just let go.

So I envision this song as a conversation between myself and someone that I sort of have feelings for, knowing she doesn't share them. Not only does she not share those same feelings, but I've fallen for her twice before, only to realize she was just being herself. She wasn't trying to make me fall for her. So it's as though I'm falling for her and partially trying not to. I'm trying to tell myself to just let go but for some reason my heart keeps beating on in a direction pointed toward her. So perhaps that explains (to a certain extent) why this song applies to my current situation.

Anyway, that's one of my feelings lately. Maybe one day soon I'll post some of the others. What do you think?

A Couple Quick Lists

A quick thought about what I'll miss and what I'll be able to go without once I leave Boone:

I'll miss:

1. Snow days where I can wake up, check my email, and go back to sleep
2. Calling friends and finding time to hang out just 'cause
3. Having a community of believers my age to share life with
4. Having (more or less) a schedule to live by
5. Sometimes I like the homework; it gives me something to do
6. Inspiration for art assignments and feedback on my art in classes
7. Friends
8. Beautiful weather; a nice breeze and no humidity
9. Looking around and seeing beautiful mountains/creation everywhere
10. Meeting new people (in class, on the bus, at CRU, etc.)
11. Being able to go to campus or somewhere just to be around people
12. The feeling of completing a big paper/being done with a test

I think I can go without:

1. Early classes
2. The feeling of assignments hanging over me
3. Multiple tests on the same day/big assignments due on the same day
4. Not many places to park on campus/in town
5. Apartments without air conditioning/heat
6. School + Life stress

These are just a few things I've thought about real quick. There definitely seems to be more stuff that I'll miss than not. But life moves forward for a purpose. I must not try to hold the emergency break while I'm driving. It's not effective, nor is it healthy for my engine.

Halfway

Here's my heart. Or, to put it another way, here's how I feel:

It's a time of transition, as I've mentioned before. It's a time of excitement. A time of joy. But it's also a time of uncertainty. A time of sadness. I'm becoming more conscious of the people and the places that I am going to miss. I'm thankful that I'm able to have a great time cramming some final hang out time and some final journeys and excursions. I'm thankful I've been able to have some new experiences and some mind-rewinding experiences. At the same time though, they make my heart a little heavy. I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to leave these people. My life is here. What I go home to doesn't really feel like home anymore. Going home feels more like a vacation. But I also don't really want it to feel too much like home. I don't want to get stuck there. I don't want to return and my feet get stuck. This decision does not reflect the feelings I have for the people back home in the least bit. I love my family and have some really good friends around that area as well. But I really just don't see myself there at this stage in my life. I can't get stuck there, like a fly on paper. I was made for so much more than a lukewarm life. Maybe that's why I don't want to be there. I feel like I'll sink too easily into comfort and become more lukewarm than I am. I don't want that to happen.

And then there are people here. My heart nearly cracks thinking of the fact that there are probably some people I will never see again. I know it may sound unreasonable to say that but I look back on people from just four short years ago and feel like some of them are all but forgotten. How does this happen? How does such a significant stage in life just evaporate from true existence? How do people live on separately and in my life become only memories? There are several people that I don't want to become memories. There are times that I don't want to live without. Times that have heavy influences on my life. I don't want to be alone on Thursday nights instead of worshipping the One True God with my peers at CRU.

And I know that the only way to experience new things is to move on. But is it possible for me to move on somewhere while I live on somewhere else? I cannot live in two places but it's like my heart will be in two places. I don't recall feeling this way when leaving home to go to college. I felt so much potential and still felt I would see my friends down the road. But that road has become a dusty path and only a few remain near the mile markers. How do I keep that from happening here?

To put it short, but not exactly simply, I feel halfway. I know there is so much potential that lies ahead, so much joy that is still before me. But I'm just not ready to leave this all behind me. Not yet. I'm just getting to know people I care for. I'm reaching out, but perhaps I'm reaching too far. I'm stepping into lives that I want to be a part of. I'm wishing to walk alongside some who probably don't have the same intentions. Perhaps they only see me as a passing glance. Not even two arms holding. Maybe to them I am just a butterfly on their windshield of life. It was beautiful to watch me fly while we were together, but now that I've collided with them, the time has come to wash me away. If I were to stay in view, they would not be able to see all that lies ahead. Perhaps my wings no longer have a purpose here. Perhaps the time has come for me to learn to fly somewhere else.

Talking to others, I try to make it better, but it only makes it worse. I see them and enjoy their company and cannot help but to think it will soon be over. Soon we will be hundreds of miles apart. Then perhaps thousands of miles apart. Yes, we'll see each other in pictures and maybe passing glances by coincidence, but what is that? Even in moving pictures we'll see each other and talk about our lives, but is that really the same? Maybe what I'm trying to say is that I want something that I can take from here. I want someone who will tie me back to this place. Someone who when I leave, has a tear-drenched face. I want to know that someone feels like I do. I want to know that this time has been worth it and that I'll be missed. But I want to be able to come back into arms.

My arms are empty but they don't want compromise. My heart is cracked, although it's been circumcised. I'm broken within and on the way to fullness. So I'm just trying to say, this time is difficult for me. I need more than a way to get by. I need a beginning that will not forget this time. I need a way to remember and be satisfied. Will memories ever satisfy the desire to return? Will, for the rest of my life, I look back on this time?

So, to conclude, I will say this: I'm not ready to go but I'm ready to stay. Yet I'm not equipped to stay, I'm almost halfway. I'm living somewhere between where I am and where I'll be. It's difficult to tell how I feel in a sentence. But maybe someone will understand me. Maybe I'll find contentment, or it will find me...

Don't just wear a smile, Be it!

Hello world. Can we talk? I've just been lifted today. It has been one of those days where I can feel joy shining from the inside out. I have felt the joy growing from my heart, leaving through my arteries, and standing firm in my mouth. I want to share it. I want to show this love. I've had signs of love, signs of life, that have are typical of myself. I've walked along the slippery slope called love. Here, so easily, do I fall, but perhaps many times I find myself in a well of infatuation. Some of these wells are harder to escape than others; sometimes I find myself jumping back in, forgetting that the water only flows one way. My love will be a river. My love will be renewed and renewing.

Though today is a holiday, it does not feel like one. It's not that I'm down today. In fact, I've been quite full of joy today. The climate spiritually, relationally, and meteorologically has been great. But today we celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Have I done that? I wore green, not much else. But it's a great today to be living. Graduation is near, about a month and a half away. And community is here. I feel community in this place where I live. Now that I'm leaving I feel acceptance and friendship. I feel relationship with my fellow man. Life is a fisherman pulling me toward reality. I'm not ready to leave this, I still feel new discoveries. Inevitably the hook will attach to me and I will have to leave. Perhaps not outwardly will I fight the pulling line, but inwardly my heart may leave something behind.

So I'm not ready to leave, though sometimes ready to be done. Not quite ready to be gone. I see changing winds in the future, but not before a steady calm. I can smell the salt of the sea that is far off in the horizon. My life will soon be something very different, yet I will be a man made for mission. I will live out what I feel within, is there any other way to live this life. I do not wish to live a life of regret. So in due time we will see the next stage. It's an exciting transition, it's just hard turning the page.

I will leave you with a song. It may seem general, sending it out into a constantly expanding web of information, but that is not my intention. I want you to know in a very personal and true way that you are beautiful. You are the way you are for a reason. Don't change yourself because you were made with intention. You were made with an ability to love. You were made to be loved, and indeed you are. Don't let it go to your head, unless by way of your heart. Know deep inside that no one can take away the love that God has for you. No matter what you do, you are loved by One who cannot love you less and cannot love you more. His love is perfect, there is nothing that would increase it, try as hard as you wish. There is nothing that will ever cause it to leave you; all the mess of your life is washed clean in His love. Did you "hear" that? You're clean!

It's Time to Live Awake

You are at once a reason for joy and sorrow. You give me hope that I will not have to compromise. You show me that perhaps, at times, I have compromised who I think she is. And you're not with me. It's a simple sorrow. A love you have for another. You're sincere. You're gentle. You're true. You're authentic. I want that. I want someone who is that. Then, I see you with yours. I know him too. I appreciate him too. I know you both are great (and at the same time no one is good). So it's hard to be saddened because I know you both are happy. I know he appreciates you. He knows he is fortunate to have you. That is what I would want.

I also want that for myself. Someone I can appreciate. Someone who I may not truly deserve.

But sometimes I find myself seeing that potential in so many. It's as if I want it so bad that I am willing to give my love to anyone. I know that it's true that I should love everyone. But I also just want to find that one. I want to know she is there. I have high hopes that she is. You may call me a hopeless romantic but I have a burning hope. Does that make me even more hopeless? Perhaps in some human eyes.

I know I should not envy. Envy has no place in this new life. So how do I wait? How do I live patiently? I know "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." (1 Corinthians 13:4) It's just, it's hard sometimes, and by sometimes I mean many times. I want to love. I want to show appreciation. I want someone to know me for who I am and how I can love. I know God is perfecting us. God has created us and is still creating us. We were not created for each other; we were made for Him, to serve Him. So I cannot spend my time wondering where she is or when I'll get to meet her, when I'll get to spend time with her, when I'll get to love her for who she is. I must focus on the time at hand. I must learn to live this sacrificial life. Life isn't my own. The day I was born I was given a gift, and that gift is my life. How can I just lay down and let days roll over me like an ink press? I was made for so much more than that! I was made to love, to serve, and to live. Do I do each of these three things on a daily basis? Not as often as I should.

My life is not my own, though I live it as such. All these years that I've grown, I've just wanted someone to touch. But that is not the point of life. Life is living. Living awake. Life is living each day brand new, because indeed it is brand new. How can I even think to live differently? It's time to live in and live out this gift that I was given, this life that I have. Why start tomorrow when today has just as much potential. Live. Love. Serve.