Somehow Still Living

Life is a lesson.  A lesson made up of several lessons within.
Life poses questions.  Like who were we before we began?

Sometimes it's a state of frustration though we know there is much to be joyful about.  Sometimes I'm stuck in place so I guess it's true that "forward motion is harder than it sounds."  Sometimes I feel so desperate to get moving and do something meaningful but it the first step is almost always the hardest.

Dear Anxiety,
     You don't control me.  You're not my lord, not my master.  You cannot and you do not rule my life. You're not the one I'm living for.  I just thought you should know.

Living with a heartbeat can be challenging.  We have to move but aren't told where to go.  I just want someone to tell me where to go.  Tell me what to do.  Is this codependence?  Am I wasting my life?  Can anyone out there even hear me?  Do I sound like more than just a frustrated complainer to anyone?  Is there anything to this other than whining?  How can I change what is unchangeable unless You change me?

When I remember that this is the time of my life where life happens I sometimes feel the nails pounded into my skull.  What am I living for?  Who would want to share this life?  On my best days lately I'm just talking with others.  Spending time with others.  Life doesn't feel like anything special though I'm sure it is..somehow.  It's difficult to believe that I'm in Texas.  Or maybe that I have to be here for another three years.  It makes me feel tied down though I know that as soon as I'm about to leave I'll long for these days.  Why does that always happen?  Why can't I train my brain to think that way now? Why can't I enjoy today today, not tomorrow?

If you're playing operation will you remove these thorns from my heart and my head?  But please make sure that they're still attached to each other.