Writing Incomplete Sentences

I hope I'm not rushing.  I want to live this life.  Not in the death.  I want something here but do I know what it is.  What am I asking for?  Or how do I ask?  It's a difficult question.

And am I just saying things for a reaction?  Or just doing things for a reaction?  That's not a trait I want, not one that I want to be known for.

These are just simple words this time.  Barely even complete sentences but I'm trying.  Can I tell you what I want to tell  you?  Will you hear me or will you listen?  I'm wondering where this will go.  Or rather, where we will go?  Hoping I don't say too much too soon.  I don't want to scare you away but I know I've got to say something.  I've got to let you know that I've begun to feel something.  I'm okay if we tell, just tell me that you are too.  I don't mind staying here if it's staying with you.

But "I have other things to fill my time.  You take what is yours and I'll take mine.  Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind....But I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck."  Do I have other things to fill my time?  Is it even worth trying to fill?  What am I going to do over Spring Break if not?

Maybe it's time to "see the world hanging upside down."

"Oh no I've said too much"

I'm learning how to be still.  Or well..I'm trying.  What does it mean to be still before the Lord?  What does it mean to sit and intentionally not do anything for a time?  I'm trying to figure that out, or I'm trying to figure out what I'm trying to figure out.  Perhaps I'm just trying to figure out where You're taking me, or where I'm going, what's next.

A part of me sort of hopes I don't get into either of the graduate schools that I've applied to.  Then I can be free to make the next step.  I can go south.  I can figure out sooner where I can go.  Or I can stay.  I can tell you how I feel.  A part of me wants doors to close so that I know which ones to walk through.  A part of me wants to tell you so much and another part of me says I've already told you too much.

And there's another thing I thought about just today: why do I separate the Christian life from the rest of my life?  Why can't I love the same always and everywhere?  I don't want to put blame on anyone or anything else, but could it be at least partially a result of us having "Christian" music, "Christian" art, and other "Christian" things?  With that it is as if I should only be a Christian in certain settings, but that is not what I am meant to do.  I am meant to love all of God's children, everywhere.  There is no limit to His love, why should I have a limit to mine?

Granted, it is sometimes difficult working for a federal program or a public school district, and similar settings, but I can still love.  I try to but sometimes I may put a limit on the way that I love because I don't want to offend, or I don't want people to associate me with those who shove words of "love" down others' throats.  I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

And I've invested so much of my life to pursuing relationships though it feels like I have so little to show for it.  Relationships can't be all that I focus on because I will never find the perfect one, especially if that is all that I am looking for.  If it's all I'm looking for, when I find it I may miss it or I may mess up the opportunity.

I'm also sometimes a little afraid to speak my mind when it comes to relationships.  I decide to wait until I'm in something officially to share how I feel, but if I wait that long how will anyone know how I truly feel.  So then I end up waiting until we have an official name to our relationship (which is rarely the case) or until I know she is not interested.  I wait until it is too late.

Why do I wait to tell someone how I feel?  Is it really because I don't want them to run away?  Perhaps if it's the right person being myself and saying how I feel will work.  After all, I do want to be honest in my relationships.  I do want to build relationships on authenticity.  If I wait too long to say how I feel it could be too late.  She may think I am just trying to pull her back in.  That I'm just trying to say what she wants to hear in an effort to get her back.  That's typically not the case.  No, instead I'm just realizing that I never had the chance to say how I really felt.  Or actually, I had the chance but I was perhaps just too afraid of what she would think.  Afraid that she might think I am overdoing it or that I am saying too much too soon.

Maybe now I've said too much but it does feel good to get it out.  It's not going to save me.  It's not going to give me life but it does feel good in a positive way.  Something's right about this.

A gentle arm's touch

Hello everyone.

I'm back again but what was I going to say...  There's been a lot on my mind lately but at the same time there hasn't been a lot going on.  I think I've been wanting something and know that I have to wait.  I've also been around myself too long.  It's been a little upsetting to have so much time alone.  I'm striving to be content where I'm at and trying to learn to be present in the present.  It's such a difficult thing.  As soon as I stop my mind almost senses that something is wrong, but that's not the case.

Or if I'm too still my veins begin pulsing.  That's only sometimes, like if I feel like I should be doing something but don't know quite what.  There is love available and I need to learn to sit in it.  Sitting is good.  It can be good.  I just do too much of it.  I sit while the world keeps spinning and then I remember that it's not spinning on my axis.  I'm not the center of it all.

And I know that.  Some people think that we want to help others because we want to make ourselves feel better.  Is that true?  Could it be that that is only for some people?  I just want to help people because I feel a deep desire to do so.  I want to help because I know that I have been helped and I know how it feels to feel alone.  I know how it feels to be too ashamed to ask for help.  Too scared to ask for help.  I want people to know that it is okay to ask for help.  I want to be that person who uses what he has to help those around him.

And I don't want to do it to lift myself up.  How many times must I say that?  I legitimately want to help people.  The problem is comes when I am trying to find someone to help.  How can I be of assistance?  How do I put my skills to use?

And arms.  That's what I want (to be).  I want arms to hold and I want to use my arms for that as well.  I am a lonely man but there is hope, right?  I know there is.  I know there is.

My life is a popsicle melting in the sun.  Does anyone seize the day with a mind on the future anymore?  Is it possible to live a sustainably present life?  Take my heart out and use it for someone else if they have a better use for it.  I'm holding my heart out and wondering if anyone will stay long enough to share.  Or if I can hold their interest long enough.  It seems more like it's me who does the leaving lately.

Does this life ever feel like it's too long to be not long enough?

Moments of Meaning

Grandma says God has a reason for me to be here, otherwise He would've taken me back long ago.

It's nights like tonight when I feel like that purpose is being realized.  Nights with heartfelt conversation, where the word heartfelt feels like more than a metaphor or more than an adjective.  These conversations feel like two hearts embracing at just the right moment.

These talks calm me down.  They feel like I'm being held right where I am.  I don't need to go anywhere.  Somehow I already feel myself missing it but I won't let it pass me by.

Nights like this You teach me about myself.  You're always that listening ear and I really feel it at such times.  Words flow from my lips like juice:

Am I just being so personal because I hope that eventually someone will get me?  That someone will catch me where I am and understand me?  Am I just waiting for that person know who I really am and love me there?

I want to be loved and I want to love.  This desire for intimacy is human.  I live in reality and I must remember that.  I live in today, not tomorrow, and certainly not tomorrow.  Something's beating inside my chest and it's not for the past or future.  The beating keeps me going today.

There is something calming, something soothing, about being here now.  I don't want this to end.  Still, let's keep moving, one step and then another.  Don't look at my footprints, nor the path ahead of me, I must just move with time.

And one last thing I just remembered, a quote from someone not myself though I'm not exactly who, "You view God the same way that you view yourself."  It's goes something like that and I believe it was from a professor at Denver Seminary.  To consider.

Speaking into clouds

Dear Reader,

I'm not sure who I'm speaking to so it shall be to you this time.  My life has been quite ordinary lately.  I haven't had much to going on but perhaps I can think of something.

Like last night when I was thinking about a time I don't really remember but I recall being told of it.  A time when I said something to the effect of "It seems like everything seems to happen to me."  This was when I was much younger, probably sometime in early to mid-elementary school years.  Apparently my saying gave my mother the impression that I thought I there was something wrong with me.  So rather than think that, she said, "You're just really special," or something like that.

But it does seem like so much happens to me and yet not enough.  And could this time be the reason that I sometimes feel like I have to be different to fit in?  Or that maybe if something happened to me people would care?

I don't want to think of that but is there truth in it?

There's clearly something broken inside me but I don't want to blame my behavior on something or someone else.

I'm probably just speaking words into clouds and no one will see them for days or perhaps months.

Oh, and another thing.  I read this this morning.  So no matter my desire, no matter my effort, none of this matters.  Nothing but the mercy and compassion of God.  So I must love mercy.

But I think that's all for now.  If I'm speaking into the clouds tonight their ears are already tired or they have better things to do.  And the wind blows steadily.