Swimming Again

It's time again to go swimming.  No, not in the waters of winter.  It's much too cold for that.  I'm going swimming in a life that is giving up to gain more.  I am going swimming in Your waters because that is the only place where life is.  I've been living too much on dry land lately.  It's too safe here.  I am guaranteed not to drown, but I don't like it.  I want to live where it's risky.  Where I have to trust You.

And what I'm giving up is something I've tried before.  I'm giving up the pursuit of relationships.  I cannot keep living as though there is one relationship that will solve everything.  One relationship that will make it all better.  I have all I need here.  Here in the waters of Your love.  That's what I need to remember.  Only a few hours ago I was thinking about how I had made it through over 24 years and only ended up with some shirts I like.  What kind of a way to live is that?

I had also thought, perhaps this quarter-life crisis is much closer to the end than I would like to admit.  That may be true, but I can't let that cripple me.  If death is closer than a quarter of my life away, isn't that more reason to be living it?  Still, everyday I must die.  I must die to the things that I'm putting on to avoid truth.  Why can't people see the real me?  Why do I sometimes feel I have to hide who I am?  Why can't we be who we are at the moments that we are?

So I'm choosing again to go swimming.  Swimming with You.  I'm diving into what is mostly unknown.  I don't need to know where I'm going before I get there.  I trust that You do and that's enough.  I don't need relationship.  Why do I keep pursuing it?  Am I lonely?  Sure!  That's alright.  Perhaps loneliness is a part of life.  Or even better, perhaps loneliness is the death I need to see beyond myself and into real and true life.

So.
I plan to not plan.  Within reason and without.
I will be okay with what's going on because it's all a part of a greater story.
I will not look at everyone I meet as a potential girlfriend.
I will start again.
And again.
And again.
And I will not let my past influence my future.

Though I will learn from my mistakes, my mistakes will not have power over me.  Even if they may not have been mistakes, they will not control me.  They are dead and I am alive now.  I am living where the water flows freely and no power can stop me.  I will break free, for these chains are melting beneath me.

I will swim again.