Forward Slinky Heart

There are so many books to read.
So many lives to lead.
Words to write.
Wrongs to right.

I can't stop looking down at my feet.
Drowning in my own pain.
Though it's all perspective.
What is my current objective?

There's pain in my brain.
I want more thunderstorms
perhaps to mirror my mind storms.

When the lightning crashes my
heart doesn't budge,
the pages don't smudge.

Who will save this slinky spiraling sideways?
I'm tangled up in loose threads.
What happens when I move on?

I barely even move while I'm
here.

After some good days
I get lost
in a streak of haze.

Pay no attention
to me.
I'm
just lost
in a daze.

But when I can move
I will.
I will move forward.

When I can feel my heart
You'll know I've moved on.

Anywhere?

Here?
Now?

You say wherever so it must be so, but how does it work?  I'm hanging on.  Where do I go?  It would seem to be nowhere but I do not wish to be complacent.  The tears in my eyes don't even reach my cheeks.  I'm running from something but don't know where I'm going.  Nor do I know where I'm coming from.  What happens next?  I'm in a rut.  Some say stuck.  I can't hold this anymore.

I'm also not completely sure where this is coming from.  Something just feels like an empty canvas.  Like I can't find the words but feel like they have been around lately.  Where do I go?  What's next?

I'm Not the Broken One

I was wrong.  All this time.
I thought it was me who was broken but it isn't so.  You broke Yourself so that I wouldn't have to live broken.  I have been living as though I am the broken one, but that is not the case.  You allowed for yourself to be broken.  To be torn.  To be misshapen.  So that I may be made whole.  Thank You.  I must learn to live in that.  To run toward those who think they are beyond repair.  I must learn to run to them and show them that they need not worry any longer.  They were fixed before they even took their first breath.  Sometimes I try to mix my own yeast into this dough of life but it's not worth it.  All that I need is in You. Thank You.
I deserve none of this but You broke Yourself and became nothing so that I could be something.
Thank You.

Nostalgia for a Time Not Lived

Do you remember when we used to dance to the radio?
When we would turn it on and would dance like every song was ours?
We danced through the night and never had to leave the house.  The kids all tucked in and our shirts were loose.  We had not care in the world.  The lack of sleep somehow kept us on our feet.  We danced and I held you close.  The world watched as we lost ourselves for a moment, but we couldn't be bothered.  Our bodies swayed and we moved together.  Our hearts held hands and wore their best dancing shoes.  The eyes that saw us were invisible and we were stuck in the moment.  Stuck in the most beautiful way imaginable.  Do you remember the romance of the times gone by?
Do you remember?
Oh to be a fly...
Can we return?  Can we go back?  I'll pull the elevator gate and we'll crawl back if we have to.  No one will even know we're gone.  We'll slip passed the security and enter again to the middle of the century.
And war changes it all.  I can never go back to where we were.
Do you remember?
     Me neither.

My Glue Won't Hold This Life Together

"I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life.
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed."

Maybe that helped a little bit.  But something's up.  My heart is made of clay and and tearing it apart myself.  Maybe there's some help.  My feelings change with the weather and depending on the moon.  My feelings flutter like feathers and something's changing soon.

If you see me walking downward don't get too concerned.  I've got a heart sunk feeling, but I haven't yet been burned.

Speaking of the heat, what's keeping me from the flame?
Will I be saved, will I fall victim to fame?
My own life scares me
and I can't trust myself.

Who then will love me
if I cannot love myself?

I want more than a knowledge of love.
And no not a love of knowledge.
I want to feel this love that You have.
I want to share it with You.

Take me away from myself
so that I can be more of You to
those around me.

Breaking means I'm broken
but You made me something else.
To You I'm the lost token,
You'll save me from myself.

You don't need me
but
You want me.

Thank You

Where to turn

Crossroads.

Maybe I'm not quite there but I'm feeling it.  Something's happening.  The wind blows storms in.  Though I cannot see it, I know it is there.  I'm not sure how to say what I've been feeling because I'm not exactly sure what it has been.

I know that the wise man thinks before he speaks, but what of the man who thinks of what he thinks?  Not the kind of thinking that is overthinking.  I'm talking about thinking about why I have come to particular solutions.  Why I have I become the way I am?  Is this the way that I should be living?  What am I doing now that I shouldn't be?

I'm stuck because I'm living here in Rome.  Rome, the new Babylon.  Where do I turn?  All of this technology makes life so much easier.  This imperialism allows me to live frugally, but what of those who slave away so that I can do so?  I don't want to take advantage of the voiceless.  I want to speak for them.  My heart is torn.  My flesh is worn.  I want to write something that will be remembered but don't want to tear the flesh of trees or break others' backs as they bend their knees.

I want to sell it all but yet I've got where do I go?  I'm torn, worn, and sometimes it's as if I wish I was never born.  I can't say these out loud because you'll worry.  Even saying them here is a risk.  How will I manage when I'm not provided for?  But I'm always provided for.  All these things, these thorns, these thickets, they scrape at my soul and I don't know where to turn.

Just hold me for now.  Til I realize that I am satisfied in You.  I am satisfied in You.
My place is the place You've placed me.

The Key that is Connection

I had been trying to find the words what I was looking for and now I think I've found it.  For the last few months something has felt a little different but I just couldn't figure it out.  I feel like I've learned a lot.  Some I learned through reading a couple books, some through interactions with people, some through personal reflections, and some through just trying to be still before the Lord.

One of the big realizations that I have come to is that I many times all that I want is connection.  I want to connect with other people, and I want others to feel a connection with me.  For that reason, I'll do something with the intention of making them laugh, or making them think, or just trying to bond with others.

And it's an interesting thing this life.  I'm still learning about a lot about myself, relationships, and the most important relationship in (and out) of this life: the one with God.

I think my words have just evaporated, so this post is a little shorter than normal.  I hope it'll do for now.  We'll see what is in store for next time.  Just know that there are a lot of colors on the horizon and it's only getting brighter even in this dark world.

Oh, and Happy Easter!