An Olive Branch

Another one on here before I return to the other. Perhaps this time it will be the feeling I meant to be for yesterday. When I have something later in the day I find myself waiting. Waiting it out. Just waiting. I think it's better when I make plans for the empty days because if I don't, I find myself not doing anything. And while I think it's nice to have a day off, I would much rather have a day with real plans.

My heart sometimes sinks into wonder...and I can't figure out where to go. I think for Lent rather than give something up I'll resolve to spend at least 5 intentional and uninterrupted minutes outside everyday. Because when I'm inside all day, this "cabin" seems to almost give me a fever. I sit at home and wallow in songs of my situation. My lungs breathe the recycled air that circulates my box. And I wonder...why doesn't she think of me as often as I think of her? and similar thoughts. I let my mind wander and still it can only go as far as these walls that hold me in. Though, I realize that with present technologies (like this Blog) I am able to let some escape. My hope though, is that they would bring something back in return, some sort of olive branch or sign of life. I hope that my heart isn't beating in vain. I hope that I'm going somewhere.

But as for right now you probably just see this as a public journal. Some place where I ramble. And in a very true way, it is that, but I hope for it to be more. A man can hope can't he? If the answer is no, please don't tell me because I must have something. Something to keep me going. So whenever you read this, whoever you may be, let me know you're there somehow. Let me know you're still reading, you still value my sharing. For if I do not know, perhaps it's time I just crawl back into my journal that is seen only by my eyes and heard by much fewer. If you have found me by coincidence, you too can let me know. Just an olive branch. That's enough for me right now.

A Well-rooted Heart

and I feel comfortable enough in my own skin today. Comfortable enough that I didn't do much but I don't feel lazily unproductive. Somehow I have feelings that I believe have roots in my heart. I don't want to tell her yet and I want to tell her. I want to say it in person though I've said it a couple times before. Once by text and once by written word. The times have made the media necessary. But I believe this time it must be in person. This time it seems different..Doesn't it always? My mind makes me think, "Won't she wonder why she has to keep explaining her lack of similar feelings to me?" But if that's the case then why do these words seem so easy? Why are we so comfortable with each other? I know I feel it. Does she see friendship and nothing more? Why though, would she want to come all the way out here? Sure, she likes it here, likes the location, but is that even fair? I don't want her to feel she's not welcome but if she's not interested why is she so interested?

Lately life feels good and often times words come easy. The roots of my heart seem to stretch, longing to become a part of someone else. I will give what I have because You first gave it to me. You gave it to me to give and so my life is not mine to live. Not alone anyway. After this life I feel like comes the return to perfect and authentic companionship with the One who made us. In this life there's no way to get back to the garden. No way to live life exactly how it was. Our souls long to be fulfilled and we try so much to do it ourselves. Nothing works. All of our effort is in vain. But we can cling to the hope of life after life.

Verbal Sketch

It's as if I've been locked in here for days. And the same goes for these words. I've wanted to share but had not anyone to share them with. My mind has been a trampoline of ideas bouncing around and no one will come inside. No one will enter if I don't give them the key.

So I'll write a verbal sketch and hope to give you at least part of the picture. Perhaps an idea of the inner-workings.

Have you heard the words "patience" and "longing" come from between my teeth? If you lived on my pages or in my nerve endings, they would be familiar words to you. But why? Why can't they be replaced with "contentment" and "joy"?

I have the greatest love and still I long to be loved. The Maker of the multiverse (or whatever this is where we live) never lets go of me, still I long to be held. I want a tangible love though His love can be felt in the smallest of feelings. My heart breaks and I long to be made whole, though I know He is working. I have nothing to do and the world is waiting on me. And I'm just waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting for this life to make sense.

I feel like my days are waisted inside the prison of my mind and no one can help me escape. No one but myself. If I don't leave, how can I expect to get to know others for who they are? I have been around myself too long. Still, I must learn to be content with being around only me. How can I be comfortable with another if I cannot be comfortable with myself?

The problem is, I think, I am too comfortable around myself. I don't have to be around anyone else. Then, I long to be around others and it is as though I have forgotten how that works. Anxiety shakes from the inside and nothing moves on the outside. I want to be with someone else and when I am, I just can't.

My life spins in spirals but I can't tell if I'm going up or down. Who will save this one? Most of the time the tornado is just my life flushing away. Some days, or brief moments, though I feel strong winds of positive emotion. And I know I cannot let emotions control my life or my feelings. When how I feel is controlled by when I feel then I cannot trust this life to be real. Something along those lines.

Perhaps my life is a picture made of dots. Some to be connected to each other. Some to be seen from afar in order to understand more fully the complete picture. And some just need to be left alone. "Don't edit me," my mind says, "credit me." "Don't read and run; read and tell me what you've done."

I want to know that I matter though I know I do matter. I want to know that I'm more than some matter, floating around outside Saturn. I know that I'm cherished, I'm loved, I'm worth something, but I cannot always feel it. Is it that I need to feel it from this earth? Is it that I'm looking for acceptance among the broken? Am I looking to be put back together by one whose pieces are as tattered as my own? How is it that the greatest love doesn't seem enough and yet mere acceptance from another almost seems to keep my heart beating?

If you understand what I'm saying or have words to add to connect the dots which need connecting, please tell me. Please show me how words from a sponge fall onto ears that can read. Thank you.

Everyone is Worth Dying For

Today I drove by a homeless man and I felt guilty.

I said hey to him and he said hi back. My window was open and his sign read: Homeless, Anything Helps. As I drove down the road I thought of a poem entitled Okay by Lowell Jaeger and a discussion that I had with some coworkers about it. I thought about what I could do to help, what I should have done to help. An internal war waged within my being. A war of guilt, shame, and disgust. I thought of how I could turn around and take him to lunch and almost did so at several turns. "Who knows if he's even there still," I thought to myself. "He'll be fine, someone else will help him," I tried to convince myself. But I couldn't help thinking that Jesus is found in the "least of these." I did not feed Him when He was hungry, and the guilt and shame grew like a thorn bush around my heart. I imagined myself having a conversation with this man over lunch, him sharing his story. And I imagined his life without my having stopped for him. What were his holiday plans? Was the season even colder for him. I saw him crying himself to sleep, somewhere on a street downtown. My heart broke and nothing came out but a couple small icicles and a pebble or two. Why didn't I turn around? Why do I let fear and discomfort determine my actions?

I told myself if I saw another such person on the way home I would do something about it. I did see one as I passed another intersection ten or so blocks down the road. But again I convinced myself that it was too out of the way. Too inconvenient. He was facing the other way and I would have to turn around. HAVE TO TURN AROUND!? What remained of my heart fell like a paper weight made of glass onto a cold cement floor. I could not even turn around?! Could I have saved this man's life by giving him a temporary relief from sorrow and strife? I thought of who I am and who God has revealed Himself to be. I thought of how I was like a crying baby left out on the street. I was as good as dead with no one to help me. I could do nothing on my own to save myself but God did not leave me there. He saw my pain and He took it on Himself so that I might live. It was not easy for Him. It was more than just turning around. More than giving of earthly resources like money or food. It was giving His Son and enduring unimaginable pain. But He knew it would be worth it. He knew that through the pain there was gain.

So I prayed. I asked God to teach me to how to love as He loves. Then I thought, "Have I not been taught to love in this way already?" So I prayed for boldness. Boldness in love. I prayed that I might learn to be bold in the way that I love others. I don't want to be bold about foolish things that exalt myself. I want to be bold in ways that show people that they are truly cared for and truly appreciated. When I'm testifying about what and how my life was, I don't want it to be a shame to look back at. I want to know that I was bold in how I loved God's children. Every person who has lived on this earth was made in the holy and precious image of God. No one should be left out. No one should be excluded. Every person, man or woman, should be loved as a brother or sister.

I write this as a warning to my brothers and sisters. Do not let anything convince you that you are more important or valuable than anyone else. You are valuable and you matter so very much, but you must keep a humble heart. You must remember where you come from. Where you have fallen so that you can know how to help others up who are on the ground. Have a plan for when you come into contact with people you're uncomfortable with. Learn to love patiently and without hesitation or second thoughts. Don't let the world or anyone convince you that life isn't precious or that certain people don't matter. Everyone has a story to tell and sometimes all we need are listening ears and an open heart.

Words to Remember when Day Breaks and Night Falls

We say the night falls. Another name for the dawn is daybreak. It would seem that we have brought brokenness and the fall into every part of our lives. I think that we have. We have done nothing to bring redemption to the world. It was nothing on our part. Nothing we could help. We can claim redemption but we cannot claim its authorship. The day breaks because the heart of the world is broken. That's right, it's broken, bruised, torn, bleeding, and in need of repair. This world we live in is worn and needs mending. If any of us claim perfection we are lying to ourselves and the world. What can be done to fix us? Nothing on our part. Anything that we do in an attempt to mend the world is a defunct screwdriver screwing broken screws; it just won't work. True, it may seem to fit together for a time, but that won't last. We, as humans, only know how to temporarily solve our problems.

No one has cracked the code of death. No one that is, except Jesus, the One who is both God and Man. The One who was before and will still be after time ends. It is through Him that we find redemption. Through Him that we can claim Truth and Life and Wholeness. As broken as we are, He is that much more whole. He can make us whole. And while we are here on earth we may never truly experience the gravity of our togetherness, but we can experience small glimpses of it. Our bodies long to be a part of something whole. We long to know true gratification and acceptance. We long to be accepted for who we are, not what we are, how much we are, what we wear, or anything like that. We want to know if true, lasting love is possible.

That's why so often we try to find love and acceptance elsewhere. We forget what we were made for. We try to put off some of the feelings that we're having for the sake of temporary gratification. We think an ounce of happiness will help hold us off until we find the unlimited joy. We deceive ourselves into thinking we'll be happy with the small imitations of joy in this life. This life is not all that there is; we so quickly forget that. Many times it's not a forgetfulness but rather an ignorance. We want satisfaction now. We're impatient. But we must learn patience for we will be held accountable for this life.

Please remember that His love never ends. His care for you will not dwindle. His pleasure in your life remains. Though this world bends you back and forth until you are torn, broken, bruised, and bleeding, He can revive you. Though things may not seem to get better, or nothing seems to be new anymore, He can make all things new. The One who knows everything and has seen and felt it all, somehow manages to make it all brand new.

Hopes, Fears, Pride, and Humility

If I'm honest I don't have the best confidence. Or perhaps more specifically I have little confidence in myself. Maybe it's an issue of self-image. I feel that we're typically our most critical critique of ourselves. But I have gotten better about it. It is hard to find the balance though sometimes between humility and pride. I'm also sort of confused about where I stand in some situations lately. Well...maybe

I'm trying to stay clear of pursuing relationships with the opposite sex for a time. I want to rely fully on God for my fulfillment and it can be a difficult lesson to learn. Maybe the way to do that is not to dwell on singleness but to love everyone equally. It may seem cliché but it seems that something went off in my mind this morning, showing me how this may be possible. It's a love that doesn't play favorites and a love that doesn't pursue relationships out of selfish interest. I want to learn about people, male and female, and how they desire to be loved. I want to learn about people's hopes and fears and share life with them. Not with a desire to find "the one" but simply to show them they are loved. I want to show people this love that I have so graciously received. I know that I don't deserve an ounce of this love that dwells in my heart but God gives it freely, and how can I not share that? We all want to be held in some way, part of life is just finding out how. I have spoken before about how laughter can build bridges but also close doors. I believe that if we use it to build bridges people will be willing to open their heart's doors to what we have to say. When we build bridges that connect our funny bones, people aren't so afraid of the words that follow. There must be a healthy balance between laughter and love. Love must overcome all emotion, but laughter is just a tool used to gently ease into conversations of Truth. I don't mean to sound cultish and I'm not sure if I do, but maybe that's just the lack of self-confidence coming out through my fingers as I type.

To conclude, I just want to say that I'm learning to love with little self-interest. It's a difficult task, but with help I can do it. Life must be a sacrifice and we must remember that even the boring moments are included in our lives for a reason. The times where we do little, or have little to do, are not breaks in our lives. They are moments with every amount of potential as the rest. Let us remember that we will be held accountable for the moments of action and the moments of inaction. When in doubt, choose to love and not shout. Use gentle words when possible but remember that love is not genuine without at least some discipline.

Restoration

Hey there. If you are like me, sometimes you need a little encouragement. So here you go:

When your heart is breaking, the pieces are falling into His lap. He'll restore you. When you feel like you can't even trust yourself, know that His trust hasn't waned a single bit. When love is hard to find, and you don't feel worthy of anything, remember Him. He became the lowest so that He could know your feelings and love you where you are. When you seem to be constantly reminded of your failures, seek Him; He will show you just how precious you are in His sight.

Jesus be my shelter that I can live inside. Be the place where I can run and hide. I don't want to hide myself in tents made of tearing plastic. I want to be found in You. If I'm broken, may it be for You. Take my heart and mold me like the clay that I once was. Purchase me from my desires and the death that seems to so easily entangle my life. Change me for You and make me a liberal giver of all of the resources that You have so generously given me. Take my life and make it Yours. In Your most holy Name, Amen.