Halfway

Here's my heart. Or, to put it another way, here's how I feel:

It's a time of transition, as I've mentioned before. It's a time of excitement. A time of joy. But it's also a time of uncertainty. A time of sadness. I'm becoming more conscious of the people and the places that I am going to miss. I'm thankful that I'm able to have a great time cramming some final hang out time and some final journeys and excursions. I'm thankful I've been able to have some new experiences and some mind-rewinding experiences. At the same time though, they make my heart a little heavy. I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to leave these people. My life is here. What I go home to doesn't really feel like home anymore. Going home feels more like a vacation. But I also don't really want it to feel too much like home. I don't want to get stuck there. I don't want to return and my feet get stuck. This decision does not reflect the feelings I have for the people back home in the least bit. I love my family and have some really good friends around that area as well. But I really just don't see myself there at this stage in my life. I can't get stuck there, like a fly on paper. I was made for so much more than a lukewarm life. Maybe that's why I don't want to be there. I feel like I'll sink too easily into comfort and become more lukewarm than I am. I don't want that to happen.

And then there are people here. My heart nearly cracks thinking of the fact that there are probably some people I will never see again. I know it may sound unreasonable to say that but I look back on people from just four short years ago and feel like some of them are all but forgotten. How does this happen? How does such a significant stage in life just evaporate from true existence? How do people live on separately and in my life become only memories? There are several people that I don't want to become memories. There are times that I don't want to live without. Times that have heavy influences on my life. I don't want to be alone on Thursday nights instead of worshipping the One True God with my peers at CRU.

And I know that the only way to experience new things is to move on. But is it possible for me to move on somewhere while I live on somewhere else? I cannot live in two places but it's like my heart will be in two places. I don't recall feeling this way when leaving home to go to college. I felt so much potential and still felt I would see my friends down the road. But that road has become a dusty path and only a few remain near the mile markers. How do I keep that from happening here?

To put it short, but not exactly simply, I feel halfway. I know there is so much potential that lies ahead, so much joy that is still before me. But I'm just not ready to leave this all behind me. Not yet. I'm just getting to know people I care for. I'm reaching out, but perhaps I'm reaching too far. I'm stepping into lives that I want to be a part of. I'm wishing to walk alongside some who probably don't have the same intentions. Perhaps they only see me as a passing glance. Not even two arms holding. Maybe to them I am just a butterfly on their windshield of life. It was beautiful to watch me fly while we were together, but now that I've collided with them, the time has come to wash me away. If I were to stay in view, they would not be able to see all that lies ahead. Perhaps my wings no longer have a purpose here. Perhaps the time has come for me to learn to fly somewhere else.

Talking to others, I try to make it better, but it only makes it worse. I see them and enjoy their company and cannot help but to think it will soon be over. Soon we will be hundreds of miles apart. Then perhaps thousands of miles apart. Yes, we'll see each other in pictures and maybe passing glances by coincidence, but what is that? Even in moving pictures we'll see each other and talk about our lives, but is that really the same? Maybe what I'm trying to say is that I want something that I can take from here. I want someone who will tie me back to this place. Someone who when I leave, has a tear-drenched face. I want to know that someone feels like I do. I want to know that this time has been worth it and that I'll be missed. But I want to be able to come back into arms.

My arms are empty but they don't want compromise. My heart is cracked, although it's been circumcised. I'm broken within and on the way to fullness. So I'm just trying to say, this time is difficult for me. I need more than a way to get by. I need a beginning that will not forget this time. I need a way to remember and be satisfied. Will memories ever satisfy the desire to return? Will, for the rest of my life, I look back on this time?

So, to conclude, I will say this: I'm not ready to go but I'm ready to stay. Yet I'm not equipped to stay, I'm almost halfway. I'm living somewhere between where I am and where I'll be. It's difficult to tell how I feel in a sentence. But maybe someone will understand me. Maybe I'll find contentment, or it will find me...

Don't just wear a smile, Be it!

Hello world. Can we talk? I've just been lifted today. It has been one of those days where I can feel joy shining from the inside out. I have felt the joy growing from my heart, leaving through my arteries, and standing firm in my mouth. I want to share it. I want to show this love. I've had signs of love, signs of life, that have are typical of myself. I've walked along the slippery slope called love. Here, so easily, do I fall, but perhaps many times I find myself in a well of infatuation. Some of these wells are harder to escape than others; sometimes I find myself jumping back in, forgetting that the water only flows one way. My love will be a river. My love will be renewed and renewing.

Though today is a holiday, it does not feel like one. It's not that I'm down today. In fact, I've been quite full of joy today. The climate spiritually, relationally, and meteorologically has been great. But today we celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Have I done that? I wore green, not much else. But it's a great today to be living. Graduation is near, about a month and a half away. And community is here. I feel community in this place where I live. Now that I'm leaving I feel acceptance and friendship. I feel relationship with my fellow man. Life is a fisherman pulling me toward reality. I'm not ready to leave this, I still feel new discoveries. Inevitably the hook will attach to me and I will have to leave. Perhaps not outwardly will I fight the pulling line, but inwardly my heart may leave something behind.

So I'm not ready to leave, though sometimes ready to be done. Not quite ready to be gone. I see changing winds in the future, but not before a steady calm. I can smell the salt of the sea that is far off in the horizon. My life will soon be something very different, yet I will be a man made for mission. I will live out what I feel within, is there any other way to live this life. I do not wish to live a life of regret. So in due time we will see the next stage. It's an exciting transition, it's just hard turning the page.

I will leave you with a song. It may seem general, sending it out into a constantly expanding web of information, but that is not my intention. I want you to know in a very personal and true way that you are beautiful. You are the way you are for a reason. Don't change yourself because you were made with intention. You were made with an ability to love. You were made to be loved, and indeed you are. Don't let it go to your head, unless by way of your heart. Know deep inside that no one can take away the love that God has for you. No matter what you do, you are loved by One who cannot love you less and cannot love you more. His love is perfect, there is nothing that would increase it, try as hard as you wish. There is nothing that will ever cause it to leave you; all the mess of your life is washed clean in His love. Did you "hear" that? You're clean!

It's Time to Live Awake

You are at once a reason for joy and sorrow. You give me hope that I will not have to compromise. You show me that perhaps, at times, I have compromised who I think she is. And you're not with me. It's a simple sorrow. A love you have for another. You're sincere. You're gentle. You're true. You're authentic. I want that. I want someone who is that. Then, I see you with yours. I know him too. I appreciate him too. I know you both are great (and at the same time no one is good). So it's hard to be saddened because I know you both are happy. I know he appreciates you. He knows he is fortunate to have you. That is what I would want.

I also want that for myself. Someone I can appreciate. Someone who I may not truly deserve.

But sometimes I find myself seeing that potential in so many. It's as if I want it so bad that I am willing to give my love to anyone. I know that it's true that I should love everyone. But I also just want to find that one. I want to know she is there. I have high hopes that she is. You may call me a hopeless romantic but I have a burning hope. Does that make me even more hopeless? Perhaps in some human eyes.

I know I should not envy. Envy has no place in this new life. So how do I wait? How do I live patiently? I know "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." (1 Corinthians 13:4) It's just, it's hard sometimes, and by sometimes I mean many times. I want to love. I want to show appreciation. I want someone to know me for who I am and how I can love. I know God is perfecting us. God has created us and is still creating us. We were not created for each other; we were made for Him, to serve Him. So I cannot spend my time wondering where she is or when I'll get to meet her, when I'll get to spend time with her, when I'll get to love her for who she is. I must focus on the time at hand. I must learn to live this sacrificial life. Life isn't my own. The day I was born I was given a gift, and that gift is my life. How can I just lay down and let days roll over me like an ink press? I was made for so much more than that! I was made to love, to serve, and to live. Do I do each of these three things on a daily basis? Not as often as I should.

My life is not my own, though I live it as such. All these years that I've grown, I've just wanted someone to touch. But that is not the point of life. Life is living. Living awake. Life is living each day brand new, because indeed it is brand new. How can I even think to live differently? It's time to live in and live out this gift that I was given, this life that I have. Why start tomorrow when today has just as much potential. Live. Love. Serve.

Living Sacrifices

In Romans 12:1 the Apostle Paul writes: Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship.

I feel that the Holy Spirit spoke multiple things to me last night at my weekly Community Group (Bible Study) that I attend. Sure, the Holy Spirit is probably constantly speaking to us but I don't think we're always listening in a way that we could. We weren't even focusing on this chapter but rather a section of 1 Thessalonians chapter 4. Anyway, I put the verse above up there for a reason. For a large portion of my true Christian life I have heard the phrase "to live our lives as living sacrifices" and for whatever reason it seems to have really set in last night. I haven't really known how exactly to do this but I now have a better understanding.

I think of it as there are times when I want to do things to bring temporary enjoyment or satisfaction to myself. Living my life as a living sacrifice means that in these times I am not to give into these selfish desires. A life that is a living sacrifice is a life where we give up immediate comfort, happiness, or any other type of acceptance so that we might receive it later. We give these up to show that we are not of this world. We live in it but are not of it. We give these things up because they are of little to no importance to us. What is much more important are the souls of those around us. We should long for those around us to be filled with a passion for our Lord, Savior, and Friend Jesus Christ. We should long for people to know the One, True God, and that He calls us friends, even through all that we've done and will do. All these other things are so temporary, they do not merit near as much attention as we let them. So I pray that we can learn to "offer our bodies as...living sacrifice[s], holy and pleasing to God". After all, this is our reasonable act of worship.

The Weathered Life

I live a weathered life. I'm weathered and worn from experience after experience. I've been tossed, turned and torn to pieces but somehow I manage to continue in this life. I've been walked on like a welcome mat but I'm still here. I'm not complaining about it, just placing it somewhere new.

I try to think of excuses for those who hurt me but why? What's the point? I think most people have good intentions. I think circumstances change situations. She had a lot of classes. She was busy with work. There was someone else she's been talking with. She doesn't have a lot of time. Sometimes I really treat myself with very little respect. I tear out a section of my heart knowing it will grow back. Do I do this to others? Then why should I do it to myself.

The main reason I had for writing this post was the new artwork included in it. I'm not really down. I have feelings that run the gamut. Don't run to me with words of sympathy. Still, I don't want to be ignored but it's so hard for me to say. It's easier to write down. I struggle to write myself up. But you, my friend, keep your head up.

Somewhere a Blank needs Filling

It's like there's something stirring in-between my shoulders, somewhere between my ears, at the space between my knees. But I can't point it out. It's a loneliness, a discomfort, and a knowledge. It's a spark of anxiety but a hint of excitement. I can't put the proper words in order so that I may describe it. I can't remove it because I can't find it. It's a loneliness that feels sheltered. It is sheltered and safe but trapped and restricted. It's not that I'm trying to hide it but rather that it is trying to hide me. It's trying to convince me I'm someone else and if that doesn't work it's working to make me that person. It's writer's block for a specific topic but an open mouth exploding with words through the hands. Perhaps it is a writer's clog; not everything is shut off. Some words, some ideas, some emotions still escape. But if here is where they go who is the sponge to soak them?

I'm not the best at expressing these emotions in picture, moving or otherwise. My face may not be the proper place to look for true feelings. These words allow me to paint something true although I'm not exactly sure what it is. I do feel a longing to be more than alone. More than lonely. More than one. But I also think perhaps it's not time yet. Perhaps I'm not ready. And over in my mind run words to another. Over in my mind run words not yet spoken. Words and emotions longing to be dispelled from the inside and poured over to another. Certain people may wish to be my canvas but it seems only a specific few will right now do. There aren't exactly tears but a knot wells up in my chest. It hasn't figured out where to spill. After several times of exploding thoughts my being has covered each hole with its own weak adhesive. Each new time the thoughts must find a new hole to escape. When a new cavity isn't found a weak one is busted and my head falls down. But not outwardly. I try to stay up, at least where they see. But that's not always easy on the inside of me.

The small shake of anxiety is built at least partly of obligation. Partly of tasks that have yet to be done. Is that not one of the grand mothers of anxiety? Incompletion?

"Look out below!" cries my mind to my heart.

And, "look out above!" comes the reply from my heart.

Still they're not sure if they're arguing, so neither am I. They're just exclaiming what comes to them. They're warning each other of potential disaster. They're working to decipher what really is going on. And so living as the puzzle that these pieces make up, I am left wondering how much is in the cup. Is it half full or half empty? Or has it just blown up?

I'll leave you with that you soaker of sentiment. In time, I'll go back to understanding the immediate. Maybe someday I'll come back to this stage to ponder and gaze. Perhaps when I do so, I'll understand what I feel in this age. But until then I'm off to places not known. I'll be out and about without even goin'. Perhaps we will meet, perhaps truly a treat, but for now I am off to fill in the blank.

No distance to hold us back

In the words of John Lennon, "another year over and a new one just begun". It's been a good year. I know the new one hasn't begun yet but it's close. There have been some changes in thought. Some developments in self. I think big things are happening. Actually, I know big things are happening. I serve a God who is beyond grand. He is doing huge things. In my life I feel improvement. I'm learning to live with who I am. I'm learning to take that as it should be. I have more to write on but now is not the time. Just a small update. Not all the words I'd like are here but perhaps one day soon I'll share them with you. Until then, Happy Old Year and Embracements of the New one!