The Weathered Life

I live a weathered life. I'm weathered and worn from experience after experience. I've been tossed, turned and torn to pieces but somehow I manage to continue in this life. I've been walked on like a welcome mat but I'm still here. I'm not complaining about it, just placing it somewhere new.

I try to think of excuses for those who hurt me but why? What's the point? I think most people have good intentions. I think circumstances change situations. She had a lot of classes. She was busy with work. There was someone else she's been talking with. She doesn't have a lot of time. Sometimes I really treat myself with very little respect. I tear out a section of my heart knowing it will grow back. Do I do this to others? Then why should I do it to myself.

The main reason I had for writing this post was the new artwork included in it. I'm not really down. I have feelings that run the gamut. Don't run to me with words of sympathy. Still, I don't want to be ignored but it's so hard for me to say. It's easier to write down. I struggle to write myself up. But you, my friend, keep your head up.

Somewhere a Blank needs Filling

It's like there's something stirring in-between my shoulders, somewhere between my ears, at the space between my knees. But I can't point it out. It's a loneliness, a discomfort, and a knowledge. It's a spark of anxiety but a hint of excitement. I can't put the proper words in order so that I may describe it. I can't remove it because I can't find it. It's a loneliness that feels sheltered. It is sheltered and safe but trapped and restricted. It's not that I'm trying to hide it but rather that it is trying to hide me. It's trying to convince me I'm someone else and if that doesn't work it's working to make me that person. It's writer's block for a specific topic but an open mouth exploding with words through the hands. Perhaps it is a writer's clog; not everything is shut off. Some words, some ideas, some emotions still escape. But if here is where they go who is the sponge to soak them?

I'm not the best at expressing these emotions in picture, moving or otherwise. My face may not be the proper place to look for true feelings. These words allow me to paint something true although I'm not exactly sure what it is. I do feel a longing to be more than alone. More than lonely. More than one. But I also think perhaps it's not time yet. Perhaps I'm not ready. And over in my mind run words to another. Over in my mind run words not yet spoken. Words and emotions longing to be dispelled from the inside and poured over to another. Certain people may wish to be my canvas but it seems only a specific few will right now do. There aren't exactly tears but a knot wells up in my chest. It hasn't figured out where to spill. After several times of exploding thoughts my being has covered each hole with its own weak adhesive. Each new time the thoughts must find a new hole to escape. When a new cavity isn't found a weak one is busted and my head falls down. But not outwardly. I try to stay up, at least where they see. But that's not always easy on the inside of me.

The small shake of anxiety is built at least partly of obligation. Partly of tasks that have yet to be done. Is that not one of the grand mothers of anxiety? Incompletion?

"Look out below!" cries my mind to my heart.

And, "look out above!" comes the reply from my heart.

Still they're not sure if they're arguing, so neither am I. They're just exclaiming what comes to them. They're warning each other of potential disaster. They're working to decipher what really is going on. And so living as the puzzle that these pieces make up, I am left wondering how much is in the cup. Is it half full or half empty? Or has it just blown up?

I'll leave you with that you soaker of sentiment. In time, I'll go back to understanding the immediate. Maybe someday I'll come back to this stage to ponder and gaze. Perhaps when I do so, I'll understand what I feel in this age. But until then I'm off to places not known. I'll be out and about without even goin'. Perhaps we will meet, perhaps truly a treat, but for now I am off to fill in the blank.

No distance to hold us back

In the words of John Lennon, "another year over and a new one just begun". It's been a good year. I know the new one hasn't begun yet but it's close. There have been some changes in thought. Some developments in self. I think big things are happening. Actually, I know big things are happening. I serve a God who is beyond grand. He is doing huge things. In my life I feel improvement. I'm learning to live with who I am. I'm learning to take that as it should be. I have more to write on but now is not the time. Just a small update. Not all the words I'd like are here but perhaps one day soon I'll share them with you. Until then, Happy Old Year and Embracements of the New one!

Technology, Children, & Their Parents

I've been meaning to post this for some time now. I had this image in my head and thought I would put it on here sometime, so here goes:

Technology has changed our world forever. In many cases, life has improved but it has also gotten worse. Access to information is much easier than it has ever been. That has made research for papers and gathering information on popular opinion very easy. But it also means that so much is available for our youth. Meaning if little Johnny asks his parents a question but they feel he is not ready for the answer he can easily search for it on the Internet. But the answers he finds may not be far from correct. We must be careful about allowing unlimited Internet access to our children. This is not to say that we should place strict limits on Internet use for children, but then again maybe that is not such a bad idea after all. We need to trust our children to seek out information in reliable sources and when they receive false information we must learn to teach them the right way. Sure, children will find information through other sources, such as friends, television, movies, video games, etc. but we need to be aware of what is being fed to them. Parents must be present in their children's lives. They must be a source that children can go to for advice and guidance.

I am but a child of twenty-two myself and have no children of my own so there are obviously things that I am leaving out but I just think that parents should play an active role in their children's lives. After all, isn't that the number one job of parents: raising their children? They don't say that child-rearing is a full-time job for nothing. Just a thought from one spinning cerebrum hoping to spin others.

Run it's a Chocolate Jefferson Aero Plane!

Here is me. For whoever may still read this. I do not say still because I have forgotten about this Blog. Nor do I say it because I no longer write in it. Perhaps I say it because with such large gaps in between posts it is hard to know when to check back for another one. Or maybe it's because I figure some people probably won't read this, at least for a long time.

Nevertheless I am here. I have remained the same person since last time. Perhaps this time it is a shade of different person. Maybe a reflection of that shade. Maybe a fraction of that reflection. Possibly a hint of that fraction. I'm not really sure what I'm getting at; only that I'm the same with differences. We all change from day to day don't we? Sometimes the changes are much larger than they are at other times. Subtle changes can grow into grand effects. So certainly there is hope for change. We must be careful though, not to let the subtle damaging changes to creep into the lives we strive toward.

One thing I wanted to share with you (whoever that may be) are a few song lyrics where the writers seem to share a similar shade of life with me. Or at least there is a relevancy in my life to these lately. Here's the first:

"Goodness knows I saw it coming

Or at least I'll claim I did

But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done?

It's too late for that"

and the second:

"To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do"

and the third:

"and I'll go

to undergo a surgery

to purge me of this lonely mood

and my ego

the status quo provides me with a decent attitude

and i'll go

to undergo a change of heart

a change of clothes

and when i'm home

i think i'll go

eat cereal and stare

out the window"

But that's just me. And just now. Or just recently. Who knows what the future holds but God Himself?

The Kiss of Autumn

A quick word:

As Autumn approaches it begins to become visible
It's as if someone has kissed the tops of the trees
The leaves are green from the ground up
But the tree tops are kissed with color
It is a transition from one season to the next.

Is that like me?
Am I in a transition of seasons?
Are you trying to leave me behind?

I'm not really sure where I'm going this time
There have been times of death
And places where death should be
But reviving my flesh might be the death of me.

So I'll go on living
Knowing there is life out there
Knowing life can be in here
And that I should not seek to define myself in anything outward.
Even things that come from within shouldn't be who I am.

But I plan to go on living
And hope that certain aspects will again begin dying.

Sorry Charlie

Sorry peanut butter but I guess I just didn't realize what I was doing. Who knew this ship sailed two ways? Perhaps someday we'll all discover where it is You're taking us.