I thought I left you in the background somewhere. I thought you were the one that even if I returned to we'd never be. I guess I was wrong. I thought I left you in the recesses of my mind, somewhere I'd never find you. So then why do I go looking for you. Why do I look for hidden love and profound emotions in a place where the strings have been cut, or perhaps burned at both ends?
I see you in the distance and then feel the feathers on my fickle heart. "Let go," I tell it. "Let go, so you won't fall deep into the great despair again." But it cannot hear me among the shouts for connection and something true and firm to hold onto. I'm wasted or wasting this life again. I'm living in the place between moments once more, these capital or uppercase spaces. I'm somewhere between the there and then and can't rely on myself to put me back together again.
Sure Humpty Dumpty fell, but it wasn't up to him to place all the pieces back where they belong. There was no way for him to fix himself. An egg cannot reach his legs, let alone learn to glue his fragile shell together. That's me; a fragile shell with some sort of yolk inside sloshing around.
Mindful moments for me are about living in the present and really feeling it. Living in this uppercase space means learning to emphasize the here and now and nothing. It means everything is now, everything is here. There is no "What will tomorrow bring?" or "I could have done so much more." No, there is only this, here, and now.
I've made it through everything up to this point I guess one could say, but what does that even mean? How does any of this work? How does any of it even begin to make sense? I don't want to numb myself to get by. I don't want to fall asleep so I don't cry. And I don't want to find somewhere to plug myself in just to abandon the thoughts (the truth?) of who I am. I am still exploring everything here, although the discovery is such a slow process. With all the tasks and chores ahead of me, I find myself in a mental paralysis unable to move forward or make headway on anything that matters. I'm a doorframe; just step right through me and go about your life.
"Next.."
