Mostly ghostly questions

 It’s been a while, but what is normal anymore?  All the melancholy and deeply steeped despair we held before is nothing like the apocalypse we live in these days.  We hope would have thought we’d be here back then?

When I was a boy, I wanted to be a man, and now that I’m grown, I long for youth again.  I guess it’s true what they say, youth indeed is wasted on the young.  And me, the one who needs company, the one who could use a chair so that someone would push him, I’m the one that’s out here lost in the wild.  How could I let myself be tricked into this?  How could I succumb to this?  Did I succumb to this?  Didn’t I elect to do this on my own?

On my own.  On my own again.  There it is.  Here I am and there they are, the screams on the other side of the wall.  Screaming inside my chest, something wants out but my arms aren’t long enough to reach to where you are.

Why does my heart do this?  We never were anything, we never had anything.  So why does my heart reach for something that was never there?  Where does all of this longing come from?  Every time I see another one gone (paired up) I’m a wreck.  Every call that goes unanswered.  Every time you never say “no” because you’re afraid of how I’ll respond.

It’s more than a few men and they’ve ruined it for us all.  It’s more than a few men and I understand why you’re afraid.  I wish you could just say “no” so I know.  I wish I could hear something back.  There is a gap, a void where you could be but I don’t know if that’s where you should go.  I don’t know where you belong, but your nobody’s property.  It’s okay to be afraid, I just wish I could hold onto that for you.

Everything I do in this little gap in the wall.  Everything I do in this exposed brick of a chest is futile.  Do you see the aesthetic of my upper body?  Do you see who I’ve become?  Like a shadow on the wall that you walk by.  A shadow speaking with no response.  Am I a phantom to you?  Am I a catfish you left out in the sun to dry?

Who am I telling this to?  Why are you listening?  Why isn’t there an audience to any of this?  Just whispers, My words are barely audible, but you hear them.  Why don’t you respond?  Who will help me find something to plug this soul into?

A little equity and More than Just Plus Signs (+)s

 It can't be just a buzzword.  It has to be more than a trend.  We can't be a people who just use our words for our own selfish "likes" and comments.  We need action beyond a screen.  Our sisters and brothers are literally dying.  No, I am not using that word in the recent trendy fashion; I mean what I say.

I can't stand to witness my the death and defamation of my family members.  I'm pulled into the story because our chords are connected.  I cannot swipe past it and try to pretend that it's not happening.  Even if I did, I cannot claim ignorance.  That is not ignorance, that's indifference.  That's numbing.  That's wishful thinking that maybe I'll forget about it and can go about my day.  That's privilege veiled under the mask of indifference.  I cannot abandon my own kin.

And you are my kin.  You are my brother.  You are my sister.  We are in this together.  Victim.  Perpetrator.  Mother.  Father.  We are in this together.  We cannot keep painting with such thick brushes and hope that magically things will get better some day.  Small stones create many ripples.  Sure, large rocks make a big splash and if that's what you have then do it, but if all you have are pebbles then make the most of them.

Please do not give in to the selfishness that tries to tell you that your greed is something to be celebrated.  And you too, don't let those liars convince you that taking time for yourself is selfish.  We all need our own time.  We all need different things at different times.  As I like to say, "we have different relationships with different people for different reasons."  It's okay to be in a different place than those around you.  It's normal.

Speaking of normal, that's okay too.  It's perfectly normal to be imperfectly weird.  There is no problem with being a little mundane or ordinary.  You don't have to do something extraordinary to prove your meaning.  Don't you know that your being here is already so significant?  How fortunate the world is to have someone just like you!  How lucky are those who get to surround themselves with you!

And you, in the back, by yourself.  You too!  No, you're not going unnoticed.  Nor are we here to call you out.  We just want to say we see you too.  We know you need your alone time too and we respect that.  We celebrate you for having the courage to lean into that.  People may have tried to call you out for that at different points in your life, saying you're too shy or timid, but you know yourself better than that.

You're not too shy, you're just as you were meant to be in this moment.  There may be moments when you need to push yourself to jump out of your comfort zone before it becomes complacency, but that's not always you and that's okay.  The world needs your quiet, your soft-spoken absorption of your surroundings.  Even when you're not talking, we know your wheels are still turning.  Your silence does not mean you are absent.  On the contrary, there are moments when you are more present than the rest of us as you soak in all your surroundings.  Thank you for setting such a profound example for us about what healthy boundaries can look like!

To all the rest, or no, to all of you.  Something good can still be coming.  We were the generation of potential, but we haven't lost it yet.  We're still creating our world.  Everyday we're creating the world we want.  These little ripples feel so shallow sometimes.  This sliver of hope often feels like despair, but we can make it.

So

until next time

don't let the fear

of the unknown

keep you from

curiosity and

        being

known.

Uppercase Space

I thought I left you in the background somewhere.  I thought you were the one that even if I returned to we'd never be.  I guess I was wrong.  I thought I left you in the recesses of my mind, somewhere I'd never find you.  So then why do I go looking for you.  Why do I look for hidden love and profound emotions in a place where the strings have been cut, or perhaps burned at both ends?

I see you in the distance and then feel the feathers on my fickle heart.  "Let go," I tell it.  "Let go, so you won't fall deep into the great despair again."  But it cannot hear me among the shouts for connection and something true and firm to hold onto.  I'm wasted or wasting this life again.  I'm living in the place between moments once more, these capital or uppercase spaces.  I'm somewhere between the there and then and can't rely on myself to put me back together again.

Sure Humpty Dumpty fell, but it wasn't up to him to place all the pieces back where they belong.  There was no way for him to fix himself.  An egg cannot reach his legs, let alone learn to glue his fragile shell together.  That's me; a fragile shell with some sort of yolk inside sloshing around.

Mindful moments for me are about living in the present and really feeling it.  Living in this uppercase space means learning to emphasize the here and now and nothing.  It means everything is now, everything is here.  There is no "What will tomorrow bring?" or "I could have done so much more."  No, there is only this, here, and now.

I've made it through everything up to this point I guess one could say, but what does that even mean?  How does any of this work?  How does any of it even begin to make sense?  I don't want to numb myself to get by.  I don't want to fall asleep so I don't cry.  And I don't want to find somewhere to plug myself in just to abandon the thoughts (the truth?) of who I am.  I am still exploring everything here, although the discovery is such a slow process.  With all the tasks and chores ahead of me, I find myself in a mental paralysis unable to move forward or make headway on anything that matters.  I'm a doorframe; just step right through me and go about your life.

"Next.."