"The only thing keeping you from achieving greatness is yourself." They say it all the time - heck, I've even said it myself. I don't always believe it though. I don't think I can do this life alone. Sure, I've made it this far, but if I'm being honest I've been far from alone. These last five years or so have been in and out (mostly in) of the sphere of aloneness. The more "connected" we become, the further isolated I feel. I can't keep looking back to the past with a romantic gaze.
I will say here and now that this time is not romantic. It's not so pleasant living here alone, with nothing but my shadows to accompany me. Most weekends find me restless staring at the walls and wishing for someone - anyone - to talk back. Too often I fall asleep because if I were to stay awake I would just fall apart. I feel like plaster peeling from the walls, my dry life scraping away the pleasure to make room for a painless and complacent discomfort.
I didn't paint my walls this color, so how did they turn out this way? I didn't want a life like this, so who's life am I living? What is the life I've chosen or where did it go? I'm like a whisper on the tongue of a timid student, too afraid to escape and too vital to give up. Who's life is this that I'm living, and if I want to start over where would I even begin again?
If life is but a dream I want to wake up, I want to get moving. I want to go back to where I was, or who I was. Someone save my head from this vice grip; I'm gradually losing brain cells, energy, and the strength to continue. Who else is here? Who else can enter into this without falling down the hole that I'm trapped inside?
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up as someone else. Maybe in a few days I'll realize that the last several years have all just been vapor and I have another chance. But the chances are more than likely that I'll have to continue where I am and learn to reach further with the strength I have. The probability that I'm awake and living is overwhelming out of my favor. So, I guess now is as good a time as any to start doing something. But that's the thing. I don't know how to start because I don't know where to go and I don't know what I'm missing. It's like trying to find the missing piece to an inverted puzzle. I don't know what piece is missing, and if I did I wouldn't know where to place it.
Maybe I'm not as much of a mess as I think I am, but I can't convince myself of that yet. I know myself too well to believe the flattering clichés and hollow words I try to tell myself. I can't lie to myself and hope to believe it. How will anyone believe me if I don't believe myself? That's why I need community. That's why I need another's touch. I need someone to come and wake me up because I haven't seen my true reflection in years. Who am I anymore? Why should I care to continue this life if the current trend is nothing but dull, repeated shadows?
