It's Always Different

I haven't had it this way.  That's always it though, isn't it?  If life isn't progressing, it's retreating.  We can't stay stagnant like the last 3 and half years have felt.  Sometimes I'll tell you and you'll run.  I'll tell you and we'll stay "friends" enough for you to keep the story going and by the time our commitment is over, you'll disappear into the ocean.  My lifeboat was tethered to you and I've been left at sea.

I'll tie myself to a passing vessel with a strong hull that births gentle waves.  A ship that carries me with her.  I'll tangle myself in weeds and brush, thinking surrounding myself with all this algae and life has to be getting me somewhere.  My heart dreams of letting go and holding onto you.  You're a ship that sails just close enough to leave me wanting more.  I fall under and the near lifeless drowning sensation excites me.

I fall and the voices inside tell me not to tell you.  I fall and the motivational posters say Seize the Day!  I don't know where to live with the sturdy ground.  I don't like standing still.  I'm not content with seeing my reflection staring back at me.  I want to hear your voice.  I don't want to just hear you whispering nonsense into my mind.  Your vessel close to mine and we're both steering our ships intentionally.

You're not the coal in my engine keeping me going.  You're not the heart in my chest that keeps pumping until one day it won't.  You can't be my solution and my problem at the same time.  Can you?

Can I cut off this string without immediately looking for somewhere else to tie it?  My heart is light.  So light that it's almost heavy with a sixth sense of knowing it's not realistic.  Who is going to save this one?  Can one live in a lifeboat alone?  Are you a tiger or the Coast Guard?  Are you my saving grace or empty space?  You can't be either; it all happens for a reason.  Love is just a season.  I want it to be a lifetime.  I want the honeymoon beyond the horizon.  Is that too much to ask?

Return to Sender

To the one who I thought she was before,

I thought I found you pining for my heart but you I was mistaken.  In fact, you're still reaching for the fire escape from another's.  I've got time and I won't wait for you alone.  Not now.

To all the people beside my insides,

You don't control me.  You might try to console me, but you are not me.  You did nothing here.  I'm a little firework.

No.  My words are gone again.  In the car, or almost anywhere outside of the vacuum where I live, the words flood.  Here the drought fills up the room with so much emptiness it's almost too hard to breathe.  I hear voices in the distance telling me wait.  I feel silence in the shadows and it crawls in through the tear in the gate.  I can't keep tripping over empty footsteps as I make them myself.  I make no sense but want desperately to compose with you.  I want to compose with you.  Where are you now?