Somehow

Every day is brand new.  Every day I hold you.  I don't know what else to do.  I've got a hook that I am aligned to.  I don't even know how this can be true.  I don't want to worship you, nor do I want to leave you.  You somehow seem to hold my heart.  Something inside is beating from the start.  I don't know where to go.  This smile seems unending.

You've so much enthusiasm and it's almost contagious.  I don't know what it is.  Your whole body smiles.  I can barely stand it sometimes.  How is this my life?  If you're looking for a worn heart, you've found it.  Though lately it's been beating beyond its normal capacity.  It's been working overtime, or perhaps just normal.  Is this what life is?  Is this how others experience it?  But really, it doesn't matter what it's like for others.  This is my life.  Not that I have permission to be selfish.  On the contrary, we are all siblings here.

Does perfect ever feel like
it's not what it used to be?

Though worn and torn
through drought and storm
my heart has somehow
been reborn.

Life and Death: We Cannot Escape

Every day is a new chance at life beyond survival.  People swimming in oceans of others and crowds circling the small space we occupy.  Who will save us?  What will become of us?  Why are we here?  And no one really seems to know for sure what will become of us.  The life beyond seems to be so close to some, yet beyond all of our reach.  Some reach for it, longing to know more.  Others dance around this life, as if this is all we have.

Everything here is short.  Once we discover our meaning or we begin to understand our purpose, our souls start to evaporate from these tents we live in.  No one can leave here on his or her own volition.  Leaving and returning seems to be out of the question..for most.  Our entire lives here, stretched out or barely given a breath, are but a blink, a blade of grass in a field.  The day we're born death is not far off.  It lies in wait for us as we grapple with what we may think are such significant decisions.  Or perhaps it actively pursues us as we try to deny its very existence, hoping somehow we might escape.  Whether it approaches us quietly while we're placidly sleeping or it steals us abruptly in the prime of our time, one day we will all get to know her no matter if we believed or acknowledged her at all.

Of Two Minds

So now I'm awake but dreaming.  I'm exhausted but full of energy.  There are two minds inside and we both get along.

It helps to talk.  And it helps to listen.
How can this be real?
Again.
Though some words may be left unspoken
I know that there's life enough to share.

I'm full of passion but my word bank is empty.
I've got life ahead of me but I'm living now.
I'm sitting still but moving forward.
I'm living life one step at a time, though every breath is one closer to my last.
And it's all a gift.

Someone's watching.
Someone's paying attention.
And I'm moving further.
Ever closer.
To who I am.
And who I will be.

And alas!
That's enough.
For now.

Sorry if you've had enough 'cause it just keeps coming

Stop.  Don't turn me around.  I've got enough just being found.  Just here.  Don't overdo it.  I've never been this far.  It's never been this good.  It's never been this true.  It's so hard to believe sometimes.

Wake me up.  Wake me up.  Wake me up.  There's somehow something wrong with this consciousness.  Is there though?  I don't think so.  I'm just trying to figure out why I've suddenly been so fortunate.  Why this grace?  Why this mercy?  I'm not complaining, it's just surreal.  I guess the answer is in their definitions.  It's not warranted.  It's not deserved.  It just is.

Put streamers on the steamers.  We've got time to celebrate.  Dance around the candlesticks.  It's a party and you're invited.  Don't whisper the invitations.  Share the joy from the mountains.

Be calm.  Be cool.  Be collected.
And we will move forward
and understand when
brokenness itself
will break.

Wondering Still

You tell me the reasons, though it's not that I don't believe them, it's just hard to see.  Hard to know that someone could see so much in me.  And I don't really know where to take this.  Or where to go from here.  How can love grow?  Who can know?  How do I show the things I don't know?

And also, I'm learning that this pursuit I've been on may not have been as much love as I've proclaimed at times.  I want to love Him whole heartedly.  With all that I am.  I want to love Him with all my heart, soul, strength, mind, and my entire life.  I want to love Him in what I do and what I don't do.  Do I want to love for the right reasons or do I want to love because it's the "right" thing to do?  Do I long to spend moment to moment with Him.  Do I desire to climb into His Word and be with Him there?  To just hear Him speak, to sit at His feet, or His side, and just be?

This relationship is teaching me.  It's teaching me about the Relationship that matters.  There is so much beyond feelings.  Beyond words built to flatter.

Love.  It's a delicate thing.  It teaches us lessons.  Or rather, He teaches us lessons through it.  And at the same time He is It.  Oh the mystery!

I'm not beyond repair.  Welcome to my life.  I'm here to share.

Barely Awake

My eyelids are drooping, slowly falling to meet exhaustion.  I'm wandering around without leaving this room.  Sometimes I'm watching something else and my mind wanders.  Sometimes I'm speaking and even forget what I am speaking about, at times mid-sentence.  Perhaps I'm not a good listener, even to myself, at times.  Sometimes one of the better parts of the day are when the moon lays low and shines bright through my window.  It is then that there is no guilt in sleeping.  Then, You allow me, even encourage me, to rest.

Maybe so many of the words are gone lately because I already have someone to share them with.  What haven't I shared that's on my mind, that's in my heart?  Have I given it all away and we've barely begun?  What is next here?  Really?  Perhaps patience.  And time.  And gaps between meetings.  Still, that's okay, and perhaps it's best.  Let's enjoy each other now, and somehow still prepare for the days to come.

You woke something up in me.

Love is Patient, Like is Fleeting

I've got a problem.

It's love.  I can't help it.  I can barely stand it.  Love is patient. is patient. is patient.
Yes love is patient and I can take it.

Just look into my eyes.  Hold my hand.  Remove your disguise.  I've got baggage that weighs hard on me, but you hold it inside.  I hold you beside.  I don't really know where to go.

All this time I was looking.  And trying not to look.  And seeking.  Though seeking to be content here. My heart somehow beats out of time.  A hummingbird feather and some words even rhyme.  It's okay to be here.  And you're here.  I can't can take it.

Just wait.  Love is patient.  If one day I close my eyes, will you be gone?  I don't want these moments to end.  How can this be so far from pretend.  We'll make it.  We'll make it.

Even now this smile is hard to erase from my face.  You leave an imprint on my heart when you leave this place.  Though this life is not relationships, this life is so much more.  Still, somehow at the same time it's so much less than we think of it.  Life is simpler than the complications we make of it.

How are you you?
Is this real?

Step 2

We're getting there.  No really, we're getting there.  These conversations and this time we're spending together.  My heart's still beating and we're waking not sleeping.  Smiles stretch further.  Can the elasticity be worn?  So much together, so much alike.  So much to say and so few words.  My heart just keeps coming up.  It's on my sleeve, in my chest, in full motion, and it's at rest.  Even my shame has a name and it won't hide me in the dark.  You still accept me..and beyond.

Does it get any better?  Just hold my hand again.  Thank you.

And thank You.

And is it kind?  Most assuredly!

Step 1

Life.  Living.  Smiling softly.  Does it ever stop?  Do I want it to?  No.  Every conversation.  Every moment we're together.  Can it get better?  I don't really have much to say tonight.  Here's a smile for you.  Just trying to share.

Is it time?

Let's do one this time.

Is it patient?  Possibly.  I think it'll be tested soon enough.

Does love wear glasses?

Better?  Could it be getting better?  Is it possible?  Is it real?  Is it rational?

I'm not really sure but there's something here.  The nadir of my heart seems so well-rounded.  The root of this love seems ever so grounded.  Something's happened and I'm almost dumbfounded.

Can we stay still and keep going?  Like passengers on a train, watching the painted skies as we pass them by.  Moving somewhere but sitting still.  Don't leave me here now.  Not perfect but so close.  Some might say that love is blind, but perhaps it's just nearsighted at times.  If it's true we'll see further, looking to the sustainable.  And there are different forms and different "norms."

Thank You.  Lately that's a lot of what's been on my mind: Thank You.

For the times in this life, the times I'm having.  Just sitting down with her.  Just being together.  Thank You.  That's really about all I can think of.  You're so kind.

And
      You're
                so
                   love.

You're Living No Matter

Sometimes life happens.  Actually, life is always happening.  It's happening around us and it's happening within us.  Life is what happens while we're living.  Whether we're waking or sleeping, life is being defined and as we live it.  Sometimes we may find ourselves unable to wake from dreams or perhaps even the lack thereof.  In these moments however, life doesn't cease to exist.  We continue to be go on living.

At the same time this world is full of the signs of death.  Everywhere we go there are reminders of the Fall.  Even places where some may think that we are supposed to appear "together," our brokenness is on full display.  These sacred spaces fill up with broken people; there are people with broken dreams and the dream destroyers.

Still we welcome each other in these places.  We realize that none of us is perfect.  None of us have this whole thing figured out.  In the end we die and we don't really have a say in that.  Money won't pay the cost of eternal life.  Medicine won't cure us from the death that our inevitable death.  Even today we're all dying.

As someone once said, "Today we're younger than we're ever going to be."  We would do well to remember that, though not as an excuse to lose all control and have little or no disregard for others.  No, instead we should learn to "thrive, not just survive."  Not only that, but let's live this life with each other.  Though none of us really understand this life completely, we can still teach each other lessons from our own mistakes and experiences.

Perhaps we're really made to share this life with each other, not to define ourselves in each other but to see ourselves in our brothers and sisters and everyone in-between.  Maybe we're here to love those who don't know love themselves.  And we're here to experience this together and to learn the value of the other.  Still, that can't be the entire reason, for life seems to go on for those who have reached that goal.

No matter the purpose or reasoning behind this life, as well as the mystery of death, we will all keep living with death at our side, and discover more that will only lead to unknown.

Appreciation

Lyrical?  That's okay.  I mean I like that.  Lately though it hasn't seemed much like that.  I've just been writing to meet the deadline.  Or so it seems.  It's not really a deadline, it's more of a goal.  I'm glad you're enjoying it.

What is this?  A letter to you?  I'm not sure what this is for anymore.  Well, maybe.  I sense the dreams are soon coming.  I'm glad my paper's done.  I'm glad the war is won.  The tension is released..for now.

There isn't much left for me to say.  Thank you for your curiosity, for being invested in me.  Thank you for showing me that it's okay to be myself.

And though I'm running, or maybe just jogging, I'm aware.  We're aware.  Watch my heart and I'll watch yours.  We can make it through.  There are tough times ahead but my smile is here for you now. You encourage me to be better.  To be who I am.  To live.  I release you of the pressure that this may make you feel.  Just know that it's so nice to have someone who is real.

Thank you.

A Kingdom Here and After

You can try and hide me in the shadows but His light will shine through.  You might try to tuck me away where I'll keep quiet, but I'll only do so if the silence speaks truth.  I won't claim to be perfect, my heart is been through its share of touch-ups and scars.  Some of those marks and scrapes might only get bigger, but it won't knock me down for good.  It matters little, or so I'm working toward, what you do to me while I'm here.  My goal is not a comfortable life, nor is it anything that can be found here.

Sure, there are passions and ideas that I like to pursue, but those aren't my end goal.  They don't define me.  I want to love people and show them there's true love.  I'm not the spotless example.  No, I'm a smudged magnifying glass aiming to point you at the Truth.  There is life there.  I don't want to reflect the sun in a way that burns or destroys you.  I want to reflect the Son in such a way that you might experience real life with real joy.  That you might experience life as it should be and life beyond life.

This life is more than just waiting and anticipating the next step.  Every moment we live can be lived inside the Kingdom.  The Kingdom is here and now and the Kingdom is coming.  It is at hand and already within arm's reach.

Whether you are happy or sad, living or dying, seeking or finding, running or lying, failing or winning, ceasing or trying, know that there is hope beyond hope for the days inside this life and out.
Have faith.

That is all and That is okay

Dear Blog,

I almost forgot about you tonight.  I was climbing toward my dreams and remembered the goal I set.  So I'm here.  It was a good day, though I'm trying to get some sleep because I know the next couple nights could be long ones.  I'm also doing so on a welcome suggestion.

I don't think I've ever been close to someone the way that I am with you.  That different kind of different is proving to be quite true.  I don't want to lose this.  I don't want to lose you.  I may have been with others longer, but never like this.  You've just got something and you make it easy to be true.  I just like being with you.  In the car.  On the phone.  At the park.  There's something about this togetherness.

Thank you for being you and for allowing me to be myself.  That's really all that I have for now.  Staying awake isn't necessary right now.  Really.

Just Hold Me

A pistol pointed in both directions.  I've got feelings to spare.  There's something in the air.  I'm manic, though not.  I've got a lot on my mind.  Nothing to do but everything remaining.  Tears in my eyes and a light in my heart.  A mask, a disguise.  Time has passed me by.  It's just another day.  I hear your voice and time stands still for a second.  The words flood and it's perfect, though I'm working at it.  How can I explain it.

Love fires forward and I cannot reach my own mask.  I'm drowning in this dream.  Who took my drive?  Spring Break is now over, though did it even begin?  Am I taking this for granted or just taking advantage?  What do you even see in me?  Who am I?  Is there even anything to see beyond the skin?  I want to see more of me lately.  Is that fair?  I'm not sure who I've become but some days I feel more myself than others.  Just hold my hand and the world will be okay for a while.  I've got a beating heart and I want to share it, though I'm not sure if I even know what it's for or what it's worth.

Tell me I'm worth it.  Don't lie to me.  Don't flatter me.  Be real.  I sometimes feel like a slowly fading tattoo.  I'm still here but the world has long forgotten about me.  I'm just drooping down as the world ages beneath me.  Who will save us?  It's okay to be broken for awhile, is it?

When I hold you, you hold me.
Do you realize that?
You hold me.

The beauty of love As Is

Did you know that it's okay to be in love?  Some have even said that, "the beauty of love as it was made to be."  Which I had thought went "the beauty of love is it was made to be."  That makes sense to me.  God is love and love is something that isn't a result of our rebellion.  In fact it's something leftover after the Fall.  We're allowed to love.  We're encouraged to love.  Love is something that is built inside of us.  It's something that we're made with and we're made to share.  Holding it all inside isn't how we're meant to live.

Some people may misuse it, abuse it, or claim something is it when it's not.  I too have been guilty of that.  However, when we learn how to love for real it's a beautiful thing.  Hearts jump, smiles grow, even from the inside out.  Wings we've never owned almost convince us their ours as we flutter about.

Love is a good thing.  It's not an aspect of God, but rather His entire being.  Think on that.  I read that a month or so ago and it's kind of rocked me.

Also, this may seem obvious, but to many it's not.  Don't forget to ask, seek, and knock.  How else will anyone know what you're looking for or what it is you desire?  Surely the Lord knows all things, but when we ask it helps make it clearer to us.  He is pleased to hear the desire of our heart.  The Lord is not a formula, meaning it's not about asking the right way, the right number of times, or anything like that.  Rather, the Lord gives and takes in His timing and His timing is perfect.

Aquí Estamos (Por Ahora)

Dile a la luna de miel que no se vaya.
Pregúntale si es posible que ella no nos separa.

Me gusta donde estamos y no hay nada más que quiero.
Yo sé que va a salir y para ese día no espero.

Los últimos días yo he vivido aquí.
Y cuando viene mi finde yo duermo demasiado.
El corazón está abierto y la mente cerrado.
Quiero la mitad donde los dos dicen sí.

Tengo sentimiento que esto va a durar,
que la paciencia es algo que tengo que guardar.
Porque sobre todo el amor es paciente,
y por fin he llegado al destino en lo que demasiado pensé.

Is it happening?

Are you looking for a different kind of different?
I found it!
Chemicals bonding.  Smiles on both sides.
Not just infatuation.  Smiles inside and out.

You make me want to be better.
And your heart is servant-shaped.

How could I possibly deserve this?
Though I may not, my heart keeps beating.
Not an idolatrous love, but still something true.
If you're looking for me, I've been found.

Just holding you is enough.
Just being close.
Share your life with me.

We'll take it slow,
though it's as if I'm wearing my heart
on my face, not my sleeve,
and that's okay.

Hold my hand one more time.
Don't let me fall apart.
You're not perfect,
nor am I, but it sure is great in this place.

And my heart is also firmly in my hands.
As we hold each other, you hold it too.
You hold me and my life melts a little.

Smile Softly

It was worth it.  It is worth it.  You're worth it.  Not my idol, but you're enough.
My heart may not be jumping but it's at the perfect place.
I'll be okay here.  No, I'll be more than fine here.
Thank you for being yourself.  We'll make it.
Slowly.  Slowly.  Don't push me, let's go
slowly.

Thank you.

Put on your own oxygen mask first; it's not selfish

Don't try to hard.  Don't run against the wind.  Someday you'll make it, even if you don't make it in this life.  Trust Him.  You may feel like this will never end but you can endure.  It's better for you to keep working at it now than to face the eternal flames later.  And really, there isn't very much that you have to "work at."  Most of the work has been done for you.  Just accept it.  You've been given so much meaning.  You have so much value.  Do you not know this?  You'll make it.  Trust me.  And even if you don't trust me on this, trust Him.

Also, know that there may be moments when you have to put your oxygen mask on first in order to make sure that you can help others do the same.  That's okay.  It's not selfish if it's necessary.  What help would you be as a gasping body to the child seated next to you?  If you do not care for yourself to a certain extent, you may be ill-equipped to care for others down the road; remember that.

Not shadows, nor reflections, but a Heartbeat

You're getting there.  You're another step forward even if you seem stuck in the concrete.  Even if your footprints and shadows call out to you, you're moving forward.  Don't forget that you've made it this far.  Even the days where your the only beat you can keep is your heart's, your alive.  You are not purpose in and of itself but you have one.  Don't spend so much time trying to find it; trying to discover who you are.  Do you not know that you are who you are now?  It's true.  Your shadows may grow from behind your legs and your reflections may be a visions of the future, but they also may just be tricks meant to keep you from moving forward.  Just keep going.  You've got nothing to prove and you've got a life to live.  Living still is still living, so make an effort and move!

Oh! And "you are a novel in a see of magazines."

When Verbs are Just Words

Late nights, shimmered lights.
Caught beneath a sunset's dream.
Wake me up before I scream.
No one will hear you,
and your midnight scheme.

Tell me who to vote for.
Tell me what the show's for.
Give me enough that I can go for.

Dolphins swimming in the moonlight
and your heart is as a Bug.

The man who syphoned my motivation
lives inside.
The man in my ears says,
"Listen to me."

There are sheets and blankets,
towels and pillows,
shallow hearts and regret.

Still no one will
push me off this cliff.
Don't be afraid,
I was made with
wings to fly.

Just push me
ever so gently.
I need a forceful freedom.
Or is it freedom?

Break me where I'm rusting
so the steel wheels
will start spinning.

Push me off this bed.
My wings will spring forth.
Push me quickly.

I'm sick of sleeping,
watching myself dreaming.
Move me,
don't tuck me in.
I'm sick of this
                       bed.
I'm ready to
                       soar.

Somehow wake me,
though I'm not sleeping.
Someone please
open
my open eyes.

A Brief (Necessary) Soap Box

How can people take other for granted without being held accountable?  Is it all in the name of money? Are these recruiters just seeking their own version of the "American Dream"?  That's not what the "American Dream" is; it's not a dream at all.  For thousands of vulnerable people from rural areas in developing nations, this American greed is a nightmare painted in false hope.

You may say your giving these people an opportunity that they wouldn't have otherwise.  Really?  Is that what you tell yourself?  Is that how you validate your greed?  You "promise" people who are struggling to find any way to just get by in their own countries a chance at being able to provide for their families, but you don't follow through.  Your capitalist green eyes see your own opportunity.  It doesn't matter who you trample on the way to your own success.  How fortunate you are, that you can provide for your own family, meanwhile destroying an innumerable amount of lives.

Perhaps you have removed yourself enough from the abuses in the fields, at the recruitment sites, and where these humans are treated like dogs, but you share in the blame.  So someone else does your dirty work?  Are you less at fault?  Do the tax collectors not represent Caesar when they collect more than their allotted sum?  Must you blame the minds of both Caesar and his money-hungry minions?

You're the early pioneers in this country who drew up treaties for your own benefit.  "They signed the treaty," you say, "it isn't my fault that they didn't read or understand all of its terms."  So, by that logic one might assume it is reasonable to have a child, who is not yet literate to sign an agreement that his identity is not for him to choose.  Throughout his life he will be forced to move without his consent, after all he signed the paper.  "I told him the consequences and they were clear to me.  I even consulted with my lawyers and they seemed clear to them.  What's wrong with that?  It's not my fault he doesn't understand my logic.  Maybe that will teach him not to trust people so easily."

Sometimes I'm ashamed of who I represent.
Look passed the color of my skin.
See through my ignorant kin.
I'm not proud of who we are
or who we were.

I don't claim to be perfect
but I'll be honest.
When people take others for granted
my heart breaks a little.

Because after all
I am my brother,
and my brother is me.
I am my sister,
and my sister is me.

Not until their chains are broken
can I truly be set free.

Fictional Dream

And just like that, I woke up, my face toward the ceiling, only the ceiling was gone.  I was looking up and where the dull light had been flickering when my eyes shut, there was an expanse, a gap, a hole.  A gentle breeze tiptoed across my shoulders.  The stars blinked their eyes at me, as if they too had just awoken from the most lucid of dreams.  The tall, shadowed oaks waved their greeting to me, as if to remind me that their shadows aren't to be feared.  I waved back with a few short blinks from my barely conscious eyes.

The breeze on my shoulders now tickled my down my spine.  Could I still be dreaming?  I reached for my blankets that had fallen off the bed, as usual.  As I pulled the first over my now shivering body, I felt an ocean of warmth rush from my toes to my head.  The stars starred at me, though not in a gawkish manner.  Their gaze somehow felt soothing.  I reached for the second blanket, though I'm not sure why.  I was warm enough, as I lay there returning the stars' gaze.

What happened last night?  Or was it tonight?  What time is it anyway?  Or what day?  Suddenly, I realized the breeze was producing a strange sensation on my face.  There was something foreign wrapping my chin like a scarf.  With one quick swoop, I took a swing at it.  What?!  How could this be?  Didn't I just shave yesterday morning?  I felt it again, though not as a baseball player this time.  I brought my hand to my face, like someone about to take a bite of a fresh, juicy peach, only, I was intentionally reaching just below my mouth.

It was true!  I had a full-grown beard.  I traced it from my chin my earlobes, then from there back below my nostrils.  How is this possible?  How long have I slept?  Where am I taking this life?

One final wave from the trees and everything was black again.

Already

"Don't tell me you don't know
already.
Don't tell me you let go
already."

But if I tell you that I miss you
already
will you stay around?
Or will you run and hide?

Simple thoughts,
simple actions,
yet they mean
so much in my mind.

Do you realize that?
The language you use
makes me think we
need definition,
though it also
puts me at ease.

Tell the heart
with the skewer inside
I've got feelings,
up my sleeve I can't hide.

I can't just push you aside.
You make it easy to be
me with you
and me.

Still, I want to learn
your story.
I want to dig deeper
To hear the more
profound,
where are you lost
where are you found?

It's okay to pull me down,
to pull me back onto the ground.
Let's be realistic.
Let's be real,
authentic.

After all
we're just the
"already
but not yet"
and together
we can make it.

We don't need each other
but we can be kneaded
together.
Are you ready to
work at it?

Shallow Rumination

So much
on my mind and so few
words to explain
them.

If you talk to the motivation
debater, tell her
I'm looking for her, but
my eyes are closed.

If you see
the Judge,
I'm working
hard, but that's
just what it is.

Will this be enough?  Words
jump from
the page, it's empty though
sprinkled.  Like my mind; can
I fast-forward the rewind?

My two things,
or one?
Serving others,
loving others,
putting others
before myself.
Or loving people
and the creative process,
writing, instead of righting.

An empty soup can
two nickels,
one dime,
is that all
that's inside?
Can you
hear my mind?

It's not
enough today.
Words are just
s
 p
  i
   l
   l
  i
 n
g
     this time.

If you
catch me
I'll be fine,
but I can't count
on you
all the time.

There is little rhyme,
little time.
Time is money
though I'm broke
and breaking
all the time.

What
are you looking
for?  Is there something on
your mind?
If you want something for
you, I'll give
your line a hook:

I know
you're soon leaving, but
something says
it's okay.  Something
says you'll stay.
Not here for now
but
these days
these moments
seem more purposive.

I'm not writing you
a book; am I?
A carefully scripted page.
Don't read too much
into me,
these words
aren't from
a sage.