Dear Son

Dear Son,

I grew up in a world where the people who wanted to go against the norm were the honest ones.  It was a place where politicians said what the people wanted to hear and (if we were lucky) apologized for not meeting expectations later.  There were also many musicians who got sucked into this as well.  Some though, were different.  Some true artists spoke what was on their mind and how they really felt no matter what people would say about them.

It was a world full of darkness and brokenness.  The fact that the nonconformists were the speakers of the truth was a sad one.  Lawyers found clever ways to choose their (clients') words so as to not indemnify themselves.  Public figures spoke in clever tongues that the populous could relate to.  Words were chosen so carefully that to hear someone speak honestly was often viewed as offensive.

Living in a world that values eloquence over authenticity is not an easy task.  I constantly find myself worrying about what people will think of me.  What will they say of me if they hear me speak my mind?  What is running through their mind as they read my written words?  It's really a constant task to try and find the balance of what to share, not to share, and with whom to (not) share with.  There's an old adage that says, "sharing is caring," but too often this world that I've grown up in has tried to teach me that this does not apply to emotions or true feelings.

One of my good friend's mothers growing up taught me something that she said she learned while she was studying to be a psychologist.  She said an important goal of a psychologist is to "make the covert overt."  That means openly displaying how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way.  When we're children it seems like that is all we know how to do.  Somewhere along the journey toward adulthood many of us lose that ability, or rather it becomes tremendously tamed.

I sincerely hope that you do not lose this ability.  Don't buy into the belief that to be a man you must hide your true feelings.  It's okay to not understand everything, but if you don't ask questions or let others know that you're confused you will not learn.  Change can be hard but staying the same stunts your growth.  I hope you will come to me with questions that you have.  When you don't know where to go, have the humility to admit it.  Don't let pride ruin you.  No one is above hurt.  We all experience it, much deeper than we may care to admit.

Be honest.  Be true.  Be real.  Be authentic.  Love without abandon, but love sincerely.

Sincerely,
    Your dad before you knew me

A Daydream at the (Self-)Reflection Pool

Life.

I can sense it's getting harder.  And I can sense it's getting easier too.

What happened to everyone being so sincere?  Where are our motives?  Why do we do what we do?  Does anyone understand anymore?  Life isn't football.  Life isn't making others laugh.  Life isn't making money.  Life is loving because He first loved.  How can so many not see that?

I get passed by.  Daily.  And as I do
I watch the others as they get passed by.
And I watch passers.  So immersed
in their lives.  Is that me
at times?  Do I walk by
as others live?

As my eyes wander to
those around I wonder:
where
would You be here?
Are You here?
Would You be
cleaning up
after us or
would you even be here?

If I can
disappear in a crowd of
"love,"
how much easier
it must be
in the world,
right?

But at least
there is
sincerity
out there.

Could that be
my mission?
My call?
Is that
what You want
from me?

Not to be
an island floating,
a dream waiting
to be awoken,
but a loving
alarm clock?

How
do I start?
Where
do I go first?
What words
do You have
for me?

I can
't worry.
You'll be here.

If
You want me to (too)
I'll be Your Moses.
With Aaron's mouth
and Your words,
I'll be Your Moses.

Lead me
and guide me.
Hold my hand
don't leave me.

I'm on my way,
please show me (Your Way).

Move me
out of my way
and show me.

I'm on my way,
please show me (Your Way).

Not Abandoned

"And you shall be called 'Not Abandoned.'"

Lately there've been couple of phrases that have run through my mind and while some of them seem to come from a dark enemy with bitter intent, I try to remember the good ones instead.  One that I have been hearing often is, "He says He still loves you."  That one has been so important for me to remember because I often feel like I've used up all of my chances and there will be no love, let alone grace or mercy for me.  The truth is though, that that is not possible.

The God I serve is more than a god of second chances.  The God I follow, the God I love, He is the God of sideways eights.  He will love me the same no matter my life circumstances.  There is life in this life.

So today another phrase entered my mind from what may seem like an outside source:

"And you shall be called, 'Not Abandoned.'

"Though you run far from your home and often find yourself lost in between vital moments, I will never abandon you.  I will show you that even now is a time to be found.  Even now is a time that I am working.  Do not fear for I am here.  Hear me, for I am."

So this stage in my life is not an in-between one though it so often feels as such.  I will keep moving and will be me today, not long for the me of tomorrow, nor overly reminisce on the me of yesterday.  Though I will move when it is time I will also be sure to make time to stop, listen, and be still because life isn't always movement.

This life isn't mine.  Empty me of me and fill me up with You.
Amen.