An Olive Branch

Another one on here before I return to the other. Perhaps this time it will be the feeling I meant to be for yesterday. When I have something later in the day I find myself waiting. Waiting it out. Just waiting. I think it's better when I make plans for the empty days because if I don't, I find myself not doing anything. And while I think it's nice to have a day off, I would much rather have a day with real plans.

My heart sometimes sinks into wonder...and I can't figure out where to go. I think for Lent rather than give something up I'll resolve to spend at least 5 intentional and uninterrupted minutes outside everyday. Because when I'm inside all day, this "cabin" seems to almost give me a fever. I sit at home and wallow in songs of my situation. My lungs breathe the recycled air that circulates my box. And I wonder...why doesn't she think of me as often as I think of her? and similar thoughts. I let my mind wander and still it can only go as far as these walls that hold me in. Though, I realize that with present technologies (like this Blog) I am able to let some escape. My hope though, is that they would bring something back in return, some sort of olive branch or sign of life. I hope that my heart isn't beating in vain. I hope that I'm going somewhere.

But as for right now you probably just see this as a public journal. Some place where I ramble. And in a very true way, it is that, but I hope for it to be more. A man can hope can't he? If the answer is no, please don't tell me because I must have something. Something to keep me going. So whenever you read this, whoever you may be, let me know you're there somehow. Let me know you're still reading, you still value my sharing. For if I do not know, perhaps it's time I just crawl back into my journal that is seen only by my eyes and heard by much fewer. If you have found me by coincidence, you too can let me know. Just an olive branch. That's enough for me right now.

A Well-rooted Heart

and I feel comfortable enough in my own skin today. Comfortable enough that I didn't do much but I don't feel lazily unproductive. Somehow I have feelings that I believe have roots in my heart. I don't want to tell her yet and I want to tell her. I want to say it in person though I've said it a couple times before. Once by text and once by written word. The times have made the media necessary. But I believe this time it must be in person. This time it seems different..Doesn't it always? My mind makes me think, "Won't she wonder why she has to keep explaining her lack of similar feelings to me?" But if that's the case then why do these words seem so easy? Why are we so comfortable with each other? I know I feel it. Does she see friendship and nothing more? Why though, would she want to come all the way out here? Sure, she likes it here, likes the location, but is that even fair? I don't want her to feel she's not welcome but if she's not interested why is she so interested?

Lately life feels good and often times words come easy. The roots of my heart seem to stretch, longing to become a part of someone else. I will give what I have because You first gave it to me. You gave it to me to give and so my life is not mine to live. Not alone anyway. After this life I feel like comes the return to perfect and authentic companionship with the One who made us. In this life there's no way to get back to the garden. No way to live life exactly how it was. Our souls long to be fulfilled and we try so much to do it ourselves. Nothing works. All of our effort is in vain. But we can cling to the hope of life after life.