In a weird mood right now. I painted/drew in pastels something that's been on my mind lately. Something I've wanted to portray to people outside of my mind but can't get the picture from my phone to upload here so maybe I'll put it on later when I sync my phone with my computer. The work is called "Good students wear masks" and it's about how in order to be a good student it seems that our society is teaching us that we can't be ourselves. We must be equipped with several masks so that we can adapt to different situations. Letting people see our real selves is faux pas. Really? I think honesty is so much more worth it. But still I have to get by in this world I live in so I fall into the trap of needing to cover myself again and again. If I don't fit in with the mold that people have made I need to invest in another mask. But that's not what I was made for! I wasn't made to constantly change who I am to please others. I was made to be who I am. And I have a God who loves me for who I am.
How great!Another thing..I've been hoping for a relationship for some time now. I mean like I'm pretty much always hoping for that one relationship that will fill this void that I feel. It's strange 'cause I know that a relationship with God is the only great, perfect, and true relationship there is. But I also know that He will provide. He is preparing my wife and I for each other. Even now. So I've been planning on what to do come this fall when I go back to school. But you know what? I don't have to be planning that. I must know that He has it all under control. And when the time comes I will know. But (I know I'm probably repeating myself) so many times feel like it could be the right time. And so many times I am in it so much deeper than the other. Most of the time the other person doesn't even know that I have feelings for her. A true relationship involves the giving and receiving. I'm just not so good at the receiving part. Perhaps that's the part that God is preparing in me now, even as my heart splits in at least two parts and I try to plan my next move.
The strings of my heart must form a pendulum because it seems to swing from one side to the next quite easily. Very recently it has been leaning to
one particular
side. But the two directions in which the pendulum swings require patience. They require waiting until late August. And right now that seems pretty far away. Each day it gets closer and perhaps this vacation approaching will help the time pass. But I really just want someone to talk with. I've been at home for too long it seems. I'm ready to be somewhere. I like being at home and it has been relaxing but still sometimes I feel something slowly crumbling. Or perhaps it is something expanding. It needs somewhere to expand into. Somewhere to empty out. Or it will drive a hole in my being. I need to be free and right now I sometimes just feel restricted. I'm stuck in a box with nowhere to go. Calls aren't answered. People don't respond. Others are hours away. My life stands still and life seems to go by without even waving to me. So I'm just trying to live everyday and I'm waiting for the surprise from a God who saves. The surprise of who it is, the surprise of when. I know that new days come and everyday is already planned. It's just hard not knowing when..
